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goodbye dad...

Wednesday, March 09, 2011

I lost my dad two weeks ago. I found out when I got back from my trip that my dad had had a heart attack and passed away in his sleep. I have so many emotions running through me, I am a complete wreck.

My father was only 52. He was my best friend. He was the one who pushed me through college, supported the decisions I made, and was always there to cheer me up.

My dad had been having left arm pain for a month before my mom and I urged him to get to the doctor. Once there he had a stress test, which he failed and then they were going to schedule an angiogram.

I'm mad at my dad for putting off the angiogram for another month, I'm mad at the doctor for allowing such a time gap, I'm mad at myself (a nurse) for not getting on him more- pushing him (like he always pushed me) to take care of himself.

I'm sad that I will never hear his voice or his laugh again, I'm sad that I won't get those random cards in the mail telling me how proud he is or that I will always be his little girl. I'm sad that I have to watch my mom go through this, I'm sad that my little brother won't know the support of a father like I did.

I'm jealous that all of my friends still have their dad. I'm jealous that people come in everyday to my hospital and they survive heart attacks. Why?

My heart breaks because I won't have my dad to walk me down the isle someday, my brother won't have my dad at his college graduation. Someday when I have children, they will never know their grandfather. My heart breaks because my mom is devastated, she has a hard time getting off the couch; she just lays there and cries.

How do you build yourself back up after a such a tragedy? When do things get back to normal? When will the sun shine again?

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I am so sorry for your loss. We are here to listen and encourage you if/when you need us. I have no idea what else to say, but I can feel the love and longing in your blog. My heart goes out to you. emoticon
    3407 days ago
    My heart goes out to you. I am so sorry for your loss. I miss both my parents, but especially my mother--oh what I would give just to talk to her again. Remember all the happy times you had and know that your father is no longer in pain.
    My sympathy
    3409 days ago

    Comment edited on: 3/10/2011 7:40:32 AM
  • no profile photo BOLAURAOK
    So sorry for your loss. My dad died when I was 14. It took me a long time to recover from that. (this was a looong time ago) at that time there were n't support groups in our area for someone dealing with a loss. If you can find one It may be helpful. I was lucky to find friends in College who taught me to live again.

    Please remember it is not your fault you can not force anyone to do anything. He loved you so much. When you feel sad remember your cards. Then remember your little brother and follow your dad's good example. Again I am so sorry you have to go through this at this time. I know it isn't fair. I will keep you in my prayers . Don't forget you have people here who have been through similar, we understand anytime you need to vent.

    3410 days ago
    I am so sorry for the pain you are feeling right now. If you are near your mother try to keep her company for awhile. My father passed 10 years ago in May. I was daddy's girl. I miss him and use the lessons he taught me still today. I know it is hard to believe but time will heal you. In the future you'll think of all the wonderful times. Right now mourn and don't forget to take care of you daily. Again I am so very sorry. emoticon
    3410 days ago
    I lost my dad as well at the young age of 52 due to a heart attack. It will be two years this summer and though I miss him everyday it does get easier. The first year is the hardest. I gained 20 or more pounds after his passing. Had no desire to do anything. All I can tell you is stay strong. Your photo of your dad reminded of mine. He loved to sail and wanted his ashes scattered over the ocean. It will happen one day. I also got a tattoo of a sailboat on my foot in his memory. Prayers to you.
    3410 days ago
    I lost my real father when I was 13 months old so I never new my real Dad. My Mom remarried when I was very young (4 Years old). My step-father has been a DAD to me all my life. He has Loved me and treated me like I was his own. He has played a very important part of helping make me the strong person that I am today. The love that he has given me is a love that I have passed on to my children and his love will always be alive. I too lost my Dad on 1/26/11. It was and still is a very difficult time. I have good days and I have bad days and things will never be the same again now that he is gone. But he lives in me even though he was not my biological father and I will keep his memory alive and he will NEVER be forgotten. I know he is in a much better place and would not want to come back. Although I know words offer small comfort in your time of sorrow, I do want to express my sincere sympathy to you and your family and I will be praying for you!

    Sometimes God picks the flower that is still in full bloom; sometimes the rosebud's chosen that we feel He's picked too soon. there is a heavenly garden in which God takes great pleasure because He's placed within it the loved ones that we treasure. He walks among the blossoms giving them eternal rest, and I know that it must please Him because He chose my very best.
    3410 days ago
    I am so sorry hun. I can't imagine what you are going through. Hold tight to those precious memories and cherished moments with him. It will get you through this. I am sure that your dad is so proud of the woman you have become. emoticon
    3410 days ago
  • no profile photo CD4516954
    I am so sorry for your loss, sound like the world lost a good man!
    3410 days ago
    I am so sorry for your loss. I never had a good relationship with my father, I am glad you got to cherish him in your life.
    I hope time helps you heal!
    PRAYERS sent your way
    3410 days ago
    I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your father. He sounds like a wonderful man.

    I have also experienced tragedy in my life and to answer your questions, it does eventually get easier. Grief is different for everyone and even with each situation and everyone grieves in their own time. What I have learned is that you can't rush it. You need to feel those feelings when they arise and cry when you need to. I always found that crying made me feel better and if I tried to hold it in the feelings wouldn't go away they would just keep building.

    I know right now that you feel like the sun isn't shining and that things won't get better. I know I felt that way too. I personally found the first month very difficult and then after that things gradually started getting easier. Little by little, one day at a time I would see glimpses of my old self coming through. I began enjoying the little things I used to again.

    It has now been 17 weeks since my second daughter was stillborn and although I am functioning back at work, I still have sad times. But I find that instead of my grief being in front of me while I go through my day and that is all I think about 24 hrs a day, it is now beside me. It is still there, but I can live with it there. Eventually I know that I will be able to put my grief behind me, not meaning that I will ever forget my daughters or stop being sad. But my grief and sadness will not be the central focus of my life. I know that will happen for you too. It will take time and don't rush it. Don't be too hard on yourself or force yourself to do things that you aren't up for.

    Please please message me if you want to chat or even just to vent.
    3410 days ago

    Comment edited on: 3/9/2011 1:48:35 PM
    so sorry about your loss - I can't imagine what you are going through and can only hope that people who understand what that is like can share with you how they learned to get through a tragedy like that

    I can only imagine that I would hopefully find myself focusing on what and how my father would want me to get through it - will pray for you and your family JLMMLJ1

    3410 days ago
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