Wednesday, March 09, 2011
I lost my dad two weeks ago. I found out when I got back from my trip that my dad had had a heart attack and passed away in his sleep. I have so many emotions running through me, I am a complete wreck.
My father was only 52. He was my best friend. He was the one who pushed me through college, supported the decisions I made, and was always there to cheer me up.
My dad had been having left arm pain for a month before my mom and I urged him to get to the doctor. Once there he had a stress test, which he failed and then they were going to schedule an angiogram.
I'm mad at my dad for putting off the angiogram for another month, I'm mad at the doctor for allowing such a time gap, I'm mad at myself (a nurse) for not getting on him more- pushing him (like he always pushed me) to take care of himself.
I'm sad that I will never hear his voice or his laugh again, I'm sad that I won't get those random cards in the mail telling me how proud he is or that I will always be his little girl. I'm sad that I have to watch my mom go through this, I'm sad that my little brother won't know the support of a father like I did.
I'm jealous that all of my friends still have their dad. I'm jealous that people come in everyday to my hospital and they survive heart attacks. Why?
My heart breaks because I won't have my dad to walk me down the isle someday, my brother won't have my dad at his college graduation. Someday when I have children, they will never know their grandfather. My heart breaks because my mom is devastated, she has a hard time getting off the couch; she just lays there and cries.
How do you build yourself back up after a such a tragedy? When do things get back to normal? When will the sun shine again?