Ugh... I have to admit it. I think I have my first REAL hangover.
For over a year I've been a very good girl (fretting over my weekend calorie intake too much to have any fun), but this weekend I decided to let loose much more than I ever have before. That has to do with my decision to become a better version of myself and though it may not sound like it, having an alcohol soaked weekend is a step in the right direction for me. It had nothing to do with calories.
You see, I've never been much of a drinker. EVER. Before, anytime I felt myself getting slightly inebriated I'd start having an anxiety attack. This has to do with my need to have control, to know at all times exactly what is happening to my body. Which is funny, don't you think? If I had any REAL control, I wouldn't be over 300 lbs!
I've been mulling over my ridiculous delusions of control for weeks now, ever since we had (by Texas standards) a blizzard that shut everything in our city down for four days straight. I love winter - being bundled up and cozy, and that's exactly what I did for the majority of the time. Then cabin fever set in and my husband and I went out (if only down the street) with our friends for a little frolicking in the snow. You should have seen me... I was afraid to walk more than a few steps without hanging onto my husband's arm, terrified that I would slip on a patch of ice and crack my head open. It didn't matter that I outweigh my husband by leaps and bounds and would probably only end up dragging him down with me. I was just convinced that I couldn't walk on my own! It sounded pretty pathetic to me even then.
And then came the sledding... We happened to be next to an almost perfect hill and I realized I'd never been sledding, not really. At first I refused. I watched my best friend go down the hill and crash into the chain link fence at the bottom. She said it didn't hurt and she sure looked like she was having fun, but I kept thinking: "I weight more! I'll go down that hill so much faster, crash much harder!" Eventually, I gave in to a little friendly peer pressure and decided that I could go down that damned hill at least once! So, I wiggled myself onto the innertube and off I went. I was wailing the whole way as if I was being assaulted and I kept trying to dig my feet into the snow to slow myself down. I succeeded, slamming the breaks before the fence because I just knew if I hit that fence I would surely break my arm! I spun around, giggled at the little thrill and claimed it was great, but my legs were shaking to badly I could hardly climb back up the hill. I didn't go down again and that's been bugging me ever since.
I'm not saying that I want to become some crazy, thrill seeking machine. I just want to allow myself to relax and have some fun and that's exactly what I did this weekend. I'd decided that it was perfect timing for a break. I'd just cancelled my membership with Weight Watchers ( Long story short: The points plus program was wreaking havoc on all the progress I'd made over the last year. It just wasn't working for me, so I wanted to try out SparkPeople again) and I could take the weekend to enjoy myself without being strict about points. It was an experiment to see if I could relax without freaking out. We went to a wine tasting and then went bar hopping on Friday. On Saturday it was wine and shots with a side of game night at home and you know what? I got a little drunk and had a fantastic time!
I can't tell you how happy I am that I took a break. I feel refreshed. I'm ready to start again, satisfied that I proved to myself that I don't have to be so uptight and hard on myself all the time. I learned something else too. I do NOT miss bar food.