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I Broke It Off...

Friday, February 25, 2011

That's right. This morning I told my bed that we were through...well, at least until tonight.

I'm feeling better today - THANK GOODNESS! I even managed to feel actual hunger pains, instead of the other stomach hurts.

Tonight, however, has me a nervous Nelly. Tonight is the opening of our production of The Vagina Monologues, and due to taking Ethan to the ER and being sick, I've missed the last 2 practices. I know my parts for the most part, because that I can do on my own. We'll have the books with us in case we forget lines or such, but I wanted to have the monologues at least mostly memorized so I didn't have to read them. Still, I'm nervous because I'm not quite sure when to stand up, sit down, etc. I guess I'll get a quick run-through before we start tonight.

I'm also stressed because I can't control everything. I can't control the high winds coming through our area. The heavy rains that might keep people at home. The mud that might lock in my in-laws. I can't control getting my husband to the theater or getting my kids off to a babysitter beforehand. Honestly, I don't know that he'll even show up tonight as we've been fighting off and on lately (being sick and being around each other too much can do that to the best relationships, I think). I can't tell you how my hair will do in this awful weather all day. I can't tell you if everyone else will be as animated as I want them to be. I can't control when the audience laughs no matter how well I deliver my lines. I can't even make people fill the seats...and my biggest fear is that it will all be for nothing and no one will show up.

But that's why I signed myself up for these adventures in the first place. What good would it do me if they were all easy? What good would I get out of it if I didn't learn how to let go a little bit and just trust that things either will or won't work out, and I'll still survive no matter which it is. I'm not jumping out of a plane. The worse thing that could happen would be humiliation, and I've been through that before and survived.

Do you know what else I couldn't control? My boxing instructor needing to reschedule our session. Do you know what happened when he called to reschedule? Uhm, we rescheduled. The world didn't fall apart. I didn't die. My life didn't come to a screaching halt just because the plan changed. I wish I could communicate just how important this lesson has been for me this year...and it relates directly to weight loss and fitness.

Crap happens. You can't control every detail. You can do the best you can and be almost perfect and STILL hit a roadblock. But the world doesn't stop just because you need to take a step back and reevaluate before moving on. Life goes on...and so will I, with a new plan, or even blindly until I find my way. The path does not need to be paved for me to take it. I can make a new path for myself by cutting away the brush if I need to. I don't have to be confined to plans made months and years in advance.

Still, I will make plans.
How could I not?
I'm the girl with the vacation binders! I will always make plans.
But 2011 is teaching me that even when all the plans fail, there can still be fun, there can still be laughter, I can still move forward.

Speaking of plans...did I share the one with you that includes me traveling by myself in a car, driving 16 hours to MN to walk in the 7k with MEZZOANGEL and RAVENSONG? Did I share with you all the plans THEY have made that I'm just going to go with? Anyone who knows me would do a double take if I told them all of this.

First of all - I'm driving alone. I don't exactly do things ALONE very often. I will, but only as last resort. And, sometimes, I say no to things I want simply BECAUSE I don't want to do them alone. But, at least for this trip, I'll be Thelma without my Louise. I'll enjoy the countryside. I'll enjoy the freedom of stopping when I want, eating where I want, taking a detour if I want. I get to make those choices, and I won't have to ask for any permission or worry that I'll hear any whining when I make them. If I want to stop and see the roadside attraction of the world's biggest golf ball or something, I can. That's completely up to me.

Second of all - I'm walking a 7k. I'm facing the challenge head on of not being able to run by putting myself in a race with two friends who WILL be running. My headspace is still a little off when it comes to this challenge, but every day I challenge myself to be proud of the me that is walking, not to shame the me that is not running. As my computer desktop says right now - "I may not be there yet, but I'm closer than I was yesterday."

Third - I'm not the best at meeting strangers. Now, Becks I already know, of course, and love dearly. And while I love Mezzo as well, we've never tried the Real Life on for size, at least not yet. So far I've done well with my Spark meets. Hollynn and Ron are absolutely wonderful people and I crave their wisdom all the time. Becky is like the strongest force of positive energy I've yet to meet who doesn't put on the positivity in a sickeningly sweet sort of way, but in a matter of fact, things are lookin' up, you are going to do what you set out to do, honest to goodness sort of way. As we've already decided, we're sisters from other mothers. Still, I get nervous. Will we get along? Will the online connection translate into real life? Or will we drive each other crazy? What's more - I often find that vacationing with a friend is a true test of any friendship. Anne Marie and I are so close because in 2008 we spent 5 days in cramped quarters in NYC and not ONCE did we fight, not ONCE did we feel like we were getting on the other's nerves. Somehow we just WORKED. So me, going on vacation, and meeting someone new and hanging out with Becks again while both of us vacation...and, oh, why not, let's add in the whole 3 girls thing...because that has NEVER worked out for me for very long. (Though...it did with Sarah, AM and I, so I guess I can't say that anymore).

Anyhow, I guess my point is, this year has so far been more about challenging my own misconceptions of myself and less about simply "losing weight." So far I've boxed and started heavy lifting...but as of tomorrow evening I will be able to say that I acted on stage, and by the end of next month I can say I met another Sparkie, took a 16 hour road trip alone, and challenged myself to a 7k walk when all I really wanted to do was run. And who knows what else I'll be able to put on my list once their plans come out to me fully. (Oh, yea, add to the list the fact that *I* am letting someone else plan! EEP!)

The plans:
February 25th & 26th - Vagina Monologues
February 27th - Master Zumba class?? and Boxing lesson (4pm)
March 3rd - Last night at the paper
March 16th - The journey to MN begins...

Oh, I wonder what other trouble I could get into along the way.
I wonder what the rest of 2011 holds?

Having plans is a great way to keep yourself motivated.
But learning that plans change and the world doesn't fall apart, is a great reminder that healthy living involves LIVING. Gotta roll with the punches if you want to keep going...
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • SWEETLIPS
    I am so glad that I found your blog through Crystal and read this post especially. I need to get out of my comfort zone and you just helped me - thanls
    3730 days ago
  • no profile photo CD7009225
    Look at you rolling and walking and working on running! Such adventures! This is going to be your year! (and the next and the next...this is a lifelong journey, right? That means the adventure only continues!)
    3732 days ago
  • ATREAT4ME
    Break a leg, Esther!

    I wish I could join you on your March 16 adventure. I think we'd have fun traveling together and I know we'd laugh each step of the 7K.

    You are going to have an awesome 2011.
    3732 days ago
  • PNW_GIRL
    you're going to have so much fun at the 7k!!! Don't stress about that. You girls will have a blast :)

    so glad you broke it off w/ the bed :) Time to get back to living! Enjoy the VMs!! I bet your performance will be awesome!
    3733 days ago
  • _COSMOPAULATAN_
    First of all, I know you rocked it. Congrats! You looked beautiful.

    Second of all, now you are freaking ME out. What if YOU guys don't like me? Or what if you don't have fun? When I picture that weekend, I see laughter and friendship abounding. I hope you experience the same when you get here.

    Third of all, I'm super curious what you are going to wear to dinner. :)

    Love you Esther.
    3733 days ago
  • SARAWALKS
    Love it love it love it, I am so excited for you, it is so scary and WONDERFUL to lose control!
    But you still control YOU and that is the important thing.
    You will be emoticon , in fact, you already are! emoticon
    3733 days ago
  • HOLISTICJESSICA
    Have fun with your play. I'm gad you are feeling better, you sound as though you were having what ever bug I was.
    3733 days ago
  • RUSSELLORAMA
    Taking risks and trying new things can be frightening, but the sense of sheer exhilaration when you pull it off is amazing. Break a leg tonight!
    3733 days ago
  • KENDALL7261
    Breathe, just breathe.
    The rest will fall into place!
    emoticon
    3733 days ago
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