Back and trying to hold my head high
Friday, January 21, 2011
I have had a rough few months and haven't lost but 6 lbs since November 11th (was 9 but gained 3 back and I'm hoping its just water weight). The holidays are always tough for me, and I knew this one wouldn't be easy what with not being able to use food as my comfort. I started off fine until my husband got laid off a month before Christmas.
Well needless to say I haven't done so well the past few months. It also doesn't help that my thyroid level was out of whack so I had to have my meds adjusted twice to try to get it to a normal level.
Because of my shame of my lack of control I haven't been on SP for about two months. That also made it easier to emotionally eat. I feel like you all help keep me accountable and offer the support so many of my family can't seem to do. My 9yr old son asked me if I think the surgery worked. "I say yeah I do... don't you?" He then says "I don't know I kinda thought you'd be skinnier by now." My heart broke when he said that. I told him it's a slow process, and that I've lost quite a bit already and sometimes our bodies don't always do everything as fast as we would like. I also have in-laws who revel in the idea of me failing.
So I have had a lot of negativity around me which makes it difficult to stay motivated. I'm also my worst critic. So I fell into old patterns of eating what I shouldn't to numb my anxieties. The vicious cycle began of eating badly, and then feeling like crap because of it, and so then I'd eat more.
I missed my December appointment for my adjustment so a whole month and a half went by with me feeling like this and no one catching on as I silently suffered. Now I know as I go back and reread this I sound like a victim and I also know that my misery was of my own making. I guess I just have to get this out so I can move on from it.
I decided this week enough was enough. I didn't go through all this, and loose over 80 lbs to self sabotage all my progress. I went in for a fill on Thursday and decided behave like I did right after surgery. I've broken out the measuring cups, and my baby spoons again. I am timing myself again and counting how many times I chew. I noticed that what made it easier for me to slide back into old habits was me not tracking my food or measuring the amounts. I would eat in front of the TV, and eat things like crackers and ice cream. So I guess all in all I'm lucky I didn't gain a bunch of weight over the holidays.
So I'm back on the wagon again so to speak...lol. I know how lucky I am that I didn't stretch out my pouch or have a slippage from over eating. God has blessed me with a second chance and I plan to grasp it with both hand and not let go.
So far things are going smoothly and I'm not hungry really even though I'm still on the full liquid phase of the after fill diet. Tomorrow I will move on to soft solids and I don't think I will have any problems.
I think that I may have finally found my sweet spot which takes a lot of pressure off of me too. I have been chronically hungry ever since surgery. I was able to still lose but when I told my surgeon I was still hungry and some times it was difficult not to over eat she would say but ur still losing so ur doing fine. I know I should have insisted on another fill sooner but I didn't want to be pushy. Although it's possible if I had, I may have ended up with a band slippage. So I guess everything happens in its own time. I am doing my best not to beat myself up too much and realize this was a learning experience. For me sometimes I have to fail in order to succeed. I'm a hard headed person who has to try it my way, and then find out that there are guidelines for a reason...lol.