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Back and trying to hold my head high

Friday, January 21, 2011

I have had a rough few months and haven't lost but 6 lbs since November 11th (was 9 but gained 3 back and I'm hoping its just water weight). The holidays are always tough for me, and I knew this one wouldn't be easy what with not being able to use food as my comfort. I started off fine until my husband got laid off a month before Christmas.
Well needless to say I haven't done so well the past few months. It also doesn't help that my thyroid level was out of whack so I had to have my meds adjusted twice to try to get it to a normal level.
Because of my shame of my lack of control I haven't been on SP for about two months. That also made it easier to emotionally eat. I feel like you all help keep me accountable and offer the support so many of my family can't seem to do. My 9yr old son asked me if I think the surgery worked. "I say yeah I do... don't you?" He then says "I don't know I kinda thought you'd be skinnier by now." My heart broke when he said that. I told him it's a slow process, and that I've lost quite a bit already and sometimes our bodies don't always do everything as fast as we would like. I also have in-laws who revel in the idea of me failing.
So I have had a lot of negativity around me which makes it difficult to stay motivated. I'm also my worst critic. So I fell into old patterns of eating what I shouldn't to numb my anxieties. The vicious cycle began of eating badly, and then feeling like crap because of it, and so then I'd eat more.
I missed my December appointment for my adjustment so a whole month and a half went by with me feeling like this and no one catching on as I silently suffered. Now I know as I go back and reread this I sound like a victim and I also know that my misery was of my own making. I guess I just have to get this out so I can move on from it.
I decided this week enough was enough. I didn't go through all this, and loose over 80 lbs to self sabotage all my progress. I went in for a fill on Thursday and decided behave like I did right after surgery. I've broken out the measuring cups, and my baby spoons again. I am timing myself again and counting how many times I chew. I noticed that what made it easier for me to slide back into old habits was me not tracking my food or measuring the amounts. I would eat in front of the TV, and eat things like crackers and ice cream. So I guess all in all I'm lucky I didn't gain a bunch of weight over the holidays.
So I'm back on the wagon again so to speak...lol. I know how lucky I am that I didn't stretch out my pouch or have a slippage from over eating. God has blessed me with a second chance and I plan to grasp it with both hand and not let go.
So far things are going smoothly and I'm not hungry really even though I'm still on the full liquid phase of the after fill diet. Tomorrow I will move on to soft solids and I don't think I will have any problems.
I think that I may have finally found my sweet spot which takes a lot of pressure off of me too. I have been chronically hungry ever since surgery. I was able to still lose but when I told my surgeon I was still hungry and some times it was difficult not to over eat she would say but ur still losing so ur doing fine. I know I should have insisted on another fill sooner but I didn't want to be pushy. Although it's possible if I had, I may have ended up with a band slippage. So I guess everything happens in its own time. I am doing my best not to beat myself up too much and realize this was a learning experience. For me sometimes I have to fail in order to succeed. I'm a hard headed person who has to try it my way, and then find out that there are guidelines for a reason...lol.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Thank you everyone for your words of encouragement ♥ This is why I love Spark ppl so much!!! emoticon
    3799 days ago
  • MICKEY341
    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

    I was so inspired when I read your blog. You now have your head back in the right place and WILL succeed! Each of us hit rough spots in the road, but if we face then and know that we are strong enough to get back on track, we can! You have faced your rough road and are back on track, congrats. And best wishes to you and your family!!!
    Will keep you in my prayers.
    3800 days ago

    Comment edited on: 1/23/2011 11:35:30 PM
    Congratulations on getting a fill and getting back in the program. You will be back to losing before you know it. I think 80 pounds gone forever is great.
    3801 days ago
  • ANITA012
    It's ok! We've all been there and done that. Just look at the moments where you feel you haven't done right, as a little slip along the way. We all take little tumbles. What matters is that you get back up and keep going and trying...no matter how long it takes. Remember that you have freinds here that will always offer you encouragement and help you get up.
    I think another thing that may help you is to start re-thinking food and what it is really for. Instead of using it as a crutch for comfort when things go wrong...which is what so many of us do...me included...we have to think of it more as fuel and norishment for the body...period. When you need to find comfort, perhaps you can find it in another activity...such as a hobby, going for a walk, cleaning house...etc. Not only will you be healthier for it, but you'll also burn a few calories. I would also encourage that you drink more water if you find that you are still hungry after a meal. It will help a great deal.
    Another idea is to perhaps enjoy a nice cup of tea. There are so many kinds out there and it may help with those times where you feel you need a little extra something.
    I also know how you feel about the thyroid. I've had my moments where my brain said...Get up and do something...but my body had other ideas...like sleep...sleep...sleep! Those moments will come to pass too and you'll just have to learn to work around it and sometimes learn patience.
    My husband lost his job about 6 months ago because of health issues, which we continue to deal with today. I too have had moments where I found myself nibbling on things I knew I shouldn't. I guess it's like nail biting when you get nervous or anxious. I guess I need to take some of my own advice and do something like drink tea instead...ha ha.
    So...Please know...We all understand where you are coming from and please know that you have friends here.
    With Best Wishes for Success...Your Spark Friend...Anita emoticon
    3802 days ago
    Take some time to appreciate the positive things happening in your life. Your body has needed time to heal from some very major surgery, and as the body needs time to heal, so does the mind. This will be a learning phase, or relearning phase as you're adjusting: sometimes we all need that break and restart. You can do this, just keep at it and know that everyone at SP is here doing the journey with you.
    3802 days ago
    emoticon Just get back on the wagon and you'll be ok.

    3802 days ago
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