Actually, at least 90% of them understand better than you think.
But most of that 90% don't understand what it's like to be THIS overweight.
You know better. First of all, there is a large portion that DOES understand what it's like to have more than 60-80-or even 100 pounds to lose. Second of all, who do you think you are?
I'm me. And nobody understands me.
What do you think makes you so special? How is your journey so much different than theirs? Why is your story more unique? Don't you have respect for the struggles they have face, especially when so many of those struggles are the same or, at least, similar.
Well, it's just... I'm not saying I'm special or anything... but I do have a certain unique set of circumstances. I mean, how many of them started out at over 400 pounds?
Quite a few of them actually.
Yeah, well all of them are skinnier than me now...and it was easier for them than it was for me.
Oh, now I know you must be joking. That's ridiculous!
But I have so much on my plate right now. Two jobs, looking for a new job, a better one, plus the husband and the two kids and the friend's wedding coming up and...
And tell me, what did you do yesterday?
I worked both jobs and I had to drive home in the horrible snow, nearly sliding off the road several times.
*rolls eyes* You slid twice, MAYBE 3 times, and you were never in danger of going off the road. And, besides, what did you DO at those jobs.
I wrote my article really quickly last night! *proud*
Okay, I'll give you that. You worked efficiently at your second job. And the first?
Well there was that big fiasco with the co-worker. I had to do her job as well as mine!
And exactly how log did it take you to do both jobs?
*hangs head* About 2 hours total.
Out of 8? Two hours, out of eight...is that correct?
And, tell me...is there ANYTHING you could have done with those other 6 hours to better yourself? A workout perhaps? Maybe a few plans for next week? Menu planning? Anything?
Well, I did take care of my student loan stuff.... Oooh! And I went to the grocery store to buy new lettuce when I realized mine was bad. I could have gone to Wendy's for a cheeseburger like I wanted.
That's right, and that was great choice. But, speaking of that, what else did you buy at the store?
A single serving Skinny Cow ice cream.
*sigh* Okay! FINE! I bought a thing of chicken salad and proceeded to eat more than half of it, making 2 sandwiches when I should've only had one, and a chocolate bar, which I ate not long after, even though I already had salad and ice cream and 2 chicken salad sandwiches... THERE! Are you happy?
The question is...are you?
*a tear rolls down her cheek* No. I'm not. I could have done better.
And the time constraints of work and family...?
I could have done a workout at my desk, or walked around the building on breaks, or done some ST - crunches, squats, push-ups. I could have put on the Kinect when I got home and had fun with Hubs with that game. I had opportunities. I could have done better.
And what did you do instead, when you got home?
I stayed up too late watching TV and eating 3 bowls of chili with cheese and crackers in it... *breaks down sobbing* I'M SO SORRY!!! I CAN CHANGE, I SWEAR!
You and I both know you can change. You did. You were on it for so long and lost 85 pounds. And then...well, what happened?
Things got crazy stressful and everything started piling up and it wasn't exciting or easy anymore.
But was it always exciting and easy?
No...but I don't know that I ever remember it being this hard.
*confused* What do you mean? How could it have gotten more difficult? That doesn't make sense.
Actually, it does... sit down and let me tell you about it...
...in the beginning, it was new.
I kept going because I knew hard would fade away and because I could get away with doing so little and getting a lot of return from it.
...and then the races started...and it was good.
I struggled through each one, each time learning a lesson about myself. I went from barely walking, to half-running a 5k. I raced with friends and family and really enjoyed the praise that came for doing what I was doing even though I was still so big.
...and then winter came. The dark, cold days of winter.
Things got crazy. Holidays, work, trips...it felt like a lot. For a while I did well, because I knew that getting through the challenges would teach me something...because I knew I had an 85 pound loss behind me.
But then...then things changed. I let myself have a bite of this and a bite of that...and I remembered what I had been missing. And I took time off when my hip went out...and being lazy felt so good too. I remembered what it was like to have time to just decompress and not think. I remembered what it was like to crumble onto the couch and not move.
So, yes...by remembering, it's been much more difficult to forget again and move back into what I was doing, into what was successful. Plus, I'm still getting compliments, even though I'm not doing anything. I can ride that out for a few more weeks without anyone really realizing I've stopped being a goody-two-shoes.
Can I ask you a question?
Sure! Fire away. *confident*
Do you remember anything else? I mean, have you been remembering anything else?
....I don't know what you're talking about...
Are you sure? Anything that wasn't such a wonderful memory.
No. *looks away*
I don't believe you.
*stares, patiently waiting*
*frustrated* FINE! It's been a little harder to breathe lately...but that could just be the weather change...
Sure. Of course. Anything else?
*crosses arms* Stamina.
My stamina. It feels like it's gone. I don't even know if I could walk a 5k anymore. And my strength is gone too. I'm weak. And tired. And sick all the time.
Are you sure?
Sure about what? Look, I confessed, alright! I said it. I'm a sad, pathetic, weak, fat person again. Do you have to rub my nose in it?
I think you're mistaken.
About what? What the hell are you talking about. I told you what you wanted. I told you that I'm back to being flabby and fat and disgusting and lazy again. I told you everything and now you keep pestering me about something or other and I don't understand. Do you want me to tell you I also feel completely unattractive again? Or how about that I feel like the fattest person in the gym again...and a fraud. Yep, that too. I feel like a fraud, a phony, a fake. And I feel unloved...like nobody here or anywhere cares what I do anymore and they're all just waiting for me to fail. It's been too long. I've had too much success. It was a good run, and I wish I could've gone further, but I can't run anymore - pun intended. *forces a laugh* Can you just go away now? *pouts*
All of it. Listen. Listen carefully.
You think you've failed the past two months. You've seen no progress since November, you think. You think you've lost all of your strength and stamina in those 2 months and now it will take you another 6 months to get back tower you are. I can hear that fear in your voice, and the belief that you don't have enough strength left for that.
First of all, you do. You have enough strength for an entire lifetime. Giving up is not an option because every day spent not living is a day spent dying.
Second of all, you're lying to yourself. In November you had great successes. If I remember correctly, it was the first time you were able to zip up those 24s, no matter how uncomfortable they were. You've been to the gym countless time in those two months. You rocked challenges and saw yourself shrinking...and everyone around you noticed.
The last time you were at the gym? Tuesday. That was 2 days ago. And the week before that you spent in Vegas walking mile after mile. Oh, and about that 5k you don't think you can walk anymore? I have to tell you -- you just did. Remember the 3.8 miles at the Grand Canyon? That was more than a 5k. And YOU did that. Even when it was hard because of ice and snow on the path. Even when Andrea was bugging you. Even when you couldn't breathe because of the change in elevation and the crisp winter air...you did that. You found your footing and you completed that walk and you didn't really feel all that sore after stretching when you came back. And you followed it with more days of walking all day and night! You didn't even take a rest day.
Well, I guess you're right about that...used to be that rest days were necessary after a 5k. But...I rested a lot when I came back.
You sure did. 4 days of blissful nothing that you completely earned with a week of walking, a 5k, jet lag, a sinus and ear infection that have yet to surrender completely. Your body made you sleep because it needed to repair. And, in all honesty, I don't think it's anywhere near 100% again...not yet.
But what if it never gets there? And....well, what if I never get to run again?
If it does turn out that you cannot run for fear of serious injury, you will deal with that. Just as persons who have lost mobility from a freak car accident learn to cope, you will cope with whatever medical issues you have. BUT there's no saying that you can't run again...you just need to train again. And you know that for you that looks different than it does for most people starting out.
Yeah...I hate that.
Hate what? Being different?
Okay, that's too silly for me to even address considering we are ALL different. ...moving on... Your training regimen includes at least 1-2 full weeks of strength training in your hip. You thought when you started running that the running would do the job to get your hip into shape, but you were wrong. There's nothing wrong with being wrong. We learned a valuable lesson. You need strength training in order to run.
*growls* I HATE that I have to do more work to achieve the same goal!! It's not fair!!
Get over it. Those people with mobility issues from a freak accident? They've had the option of even training in ANY way stolen from them. You get over it right now and count your blessings.
*crosses arm* Fine. ...you're right.
So, getting back to it...you train. You train hard. You work that hip in any strength training moves you can find for those hip muscles. And in a week or two, you take a tiny jog to test the hip. If it feels good, you start back slowly...once a week. When that feels alright, you can go back to 2-3 times a week. And after that you can chose to either go back to C25k or find/create a different program that works for you. Strength training, though, must stay in place the ENTIRE time you're working on your running. We know that now. Hopefully that will keep the knee strong and you won't run into the same problem -- pun intended. *chuckles* So, what do you think?
I don't even know where we were going with this conversation...
Going? Why do we have to always be going somewhere? This conversation was a chance for you to sit within yourself and figuring out what the demons are that you've been fighting. It's a chance to confront your fears head on and a chance to realize that you aren't as bad off as you've been telling yourself you are. It's also a chance for you to understand -- if you continue to ignore the problem, it doesn't go away...it gets worse. You will gain weight eventually with that kind of eating and "i just don't care" attitude. And eventually you will lose your strength and stamina and all the ability you've gained.
These conversation with yourself are important because - who else can tell when you're lying better than you can? Who else is better at remembering than you than....you!
But...what do I do with all this information?
*sighs* *smiles* Isn't it obvious?
*shrugs* *looks around* *shrugs again*
Get back on the horse. Stop lying to yourself and get your head back in the game. All is not lost. You need a heavy dose of great, healthy food - a splash of gym-time and exercise - a nice, big helping of strength training - a 'try-it-again' serving of the run - and a good quantity of sleep and rest in between.
Sounds good, actually. But I'm not sure I'm ready for all of it yet.
That's fine. Start with one thing. Or wait and start when you're ready. But know that the longer you wait, the harder it is to come back. Make it easier on yourself by trying just 1 of those things tonight...even if it is extra sleep.
I think I can do that. I'll try.
Just so you know...even trying burns calories....but doing burns more.