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Where I Be

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

The whirlwind that has been the past few months is now settling down (I hope).

Christmas turned into a crazy affair.
NYE found me with both a sinus and an ear infection.
I've been sleeping a lot due to illness and wear-and-tear.
I was saving every penny for Vegas and spent likely every dime.
And Vegas. Drama. Excitement. Confusion. Frustration. It was a whirlwind of emotion.

So I spent the past four days sleeping and/or half-asleep! So what?!

Oh, yeah. There's that little issue of wanting to lose some more weight this year and losing something like none so far in the month of January.

There's that whole issue of wanting to run, but doing a little of nothing in the way of ST so far to prepare my body for it.

There's also the whole issue of missing my boys like crazy and wanting to spend every waking (and sleeping) moment with them, no matter how boring it might be.

So, I woke up late this morning. 7:38am. I need to be at work at 8:30am and I live almost an hour away. I also needed to have the boys on their bus by 7:25am. CRAP! I rush out of bed, only to find that both of my sons have gotten up on their own and, I assume, got dressed, ready and out the door without a peep from their dear mother, asleep in her bed after hitting what she THOUGHT was the snooze button at 6am on the new alarm. (I guess it wasn't the snooze button....)

I had taken my shower the night before, due to the constant nagging of my Hubs as he had hoped to work on the bathtub drain while I slept and, hopefully, get it unclogged so we don't have to deal with standing water that has to be flushed down the toilet to be removed. I never take showers at night. I'm glad I did. I was out the door in 10 minutes and was only about 3 minutes late for work.

But on my mind all day has been my sincere lack of focus for the past 2 months. I have flashes of brilliance now and again and plan up a storm, but I have little to no follow-through right now. It's frustrating. I feel myself slipping. And while I continue to receive compliments about weight loss I'm not exactly having right now, I'm not loving this new body quite so much anymore. I want to see what it will look like when it's smaller. Namely, when the belly flap is gone. (I have discovered that it's come up at least an inch since November, so YAY me!)

I have a plan. I do.
I also have little hopes of following through with it.
But I also have no expectations for this week other than "TRY!"
Yep, I said it. My only expectation is to try.

I MUST go to the gym tonight because I have a meeting with the PT. And while I'm there, I might as well work out, even if I don't want to. 30 minutes Cardio (elliptical), 30 minutes ST is my minimum requirement for myself, because I was doing that at 390 pounds, so there's no single reason why I can't do it at 330. Excuses are for losers.

Still, my head is a mess. Things are in chaos inside me.
So until I figure out what it all means, I'm going through the motions.
I'm showing up and doing the bare minimum, because that's more than the nothing I've been doing.

I feel like Vegas was a loss, but I know it wasn't.
Why do I feel that way?
Why do I feel like a failure for not frequenting the gym every day, when I know that nearly every day I wanted to strangle the life out of my friend, who insisted we keep moving and never needed a break as we walked through hotel after hotel after casino? The same friend that told me that she easily walks 8-10 miles a day at work, and I wanted to gag with an onion because I know I walk like .001 miles to my car from the office every morning and evening? I actually had the thought in my head on no less than 3 times on 3 different days, "OMG! I just want to DIE! I'm SOOO tired of walking!" and then I kept going without saying a word. I just kept going. And I have no clue how far I walked, but I know I'm not in horrible shape, so it had to be more than a mile a day to have me so exhausted...right?

But in my head that sounds like a cop-out.
I didn't lose any pounds.

But everyone has said I lost more weight in that week and returned skinnier than when I left.
And my clothes don't quite fit anymore.
And even the shirt I bought there on Saturday fits me better today then it did when I bought it.

I have to say, that where I be is in a land of confusion and uncertainty.
So instead of planning and figuring out what I can accomplish, I'm going to skate through however long it takes to figure it out by doing the minimum Spark requirement.

I may not lose that much weight.
I may not gain that much strength.
Or I might surprise myself.
But at least I'll be building a solid base to get myself back in the game.

Oh, and I know I still owe you pictures. I was so tired last night I nearly crashed twice on the way home...so I skipped the gym and went home, where I let Shane drive to the Mexican restaurant and finished off all my food and went home and watched two movies before taking that shower and passing out in bed and sleeping in.

I've been tired a LOT lately.
And I've been eating a LOT...constantly hungry. UGH!
But I told myself last night that it's time to remind myself what hunger really feels like. No more feeding the monster inside. Time to feed me - body and soul - exactly what I need.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • JIBBIE49
    3756 days ago
    You are really hard on yourself in this entry. You should know (by now) that activity amps up your metabolism and allowed you the food that you ate while you were there. And what was it you said? You KEPT GOING. That's AWESOME! I weigh over 100lbs less than you and I sit down every chance I get. So stop selling yourself short. Please :)

    I hate it when I'm too tired to sleep... I don't know if I could spend 4 hours awake and alert enough to watch movies if I'm tired enough to fall asleep driving home... I hope you got some good rest because it sounds like you need it. You need a vacation from your vacation, lol..
    3758 days ago
    Is it just me, or is it this time of year? It's hard to get psyched up, when it's clearly the right time for cuddling up and eating comfort food.

    The holidays, being sick, vacation--you've been out of routine for a long, long time. It catches up, and now all the habits you had may not really be habits anymore; you may have to retrain yourself. At least that's what happening with me, I think. I've felt tired a lot too, and I haven't felt like working out, and I've been having cravings, and I just haven't felt like trying. But I think I need to fake it until I make it right now. I need to force myself to eat right and do my scheduled workouts, whether I like it or not.

    But I also loved Yoovie's Opposite Day blog, because I think I have gotten to the point in my thinking where I feel like I know how to do the losing weight thing, and I just need to do it, so when I don't, I feel just down on myself like I'm a failure. But really, maybe it's time to shake up my thoughts and my actions to get a fresh perspective. Maybe it's time to try something new, make it interesting again.

    I know you will push through this, however you do. You are totally worth the effort, and I know pretty soon, you will be going for those awesome gym visits you love! And, just think, if you can get through the winter blahs, you are going to go into summer lookin' and feelin' good!

    3758 days ago
  • no profile photo CD7466362
    All the hotels in vegas are sooo far apart. So you walked more than a few miles a day, plus the plane ride, food outside of your parameters. When I get home from vacation, things are still swirling around in my head from the trip. Hard to focus on your "real world". But you'll get there. I have to believe that, for me and for you.
    3758 days ago
    1) Awesome recap of hitting EVERYTHING Vegas has to offer...I used to get there once a year and totally miss all of it now that I live in the East
    2) Vegas is TIRING....all the time, every time and you push yourself more that you would visiting any other place because you can see it all and so you keep going to EVERYTHING...on my trips there I usually either got sick or just stayed one night in the hotel doing nothing....so you walked ALOT!!!!! been there!
    3) I'm just getting back on track but have a family beach wedding deadline looming....

    Great PICS of Vegas!!!
    3758 days ago
    I love feeding your body and soul. Now if I could just figure out what that means for me. LOL!

    I am sorry to read/hear the frustration in this post. I'm feeling very much the same way and don't know the way out of it. But I think you're right -- go through the motions if nothing else -- then the rest will fall into place. At least, I'm telling myself that. (I'm not doing much about it, but I am telling myself that!)

    I SOOO wish I had better and more positive answers for the both of us!
    3759 days ago
    Hey there, I too experienced a similar down time at the end of Aug-Early Sept, it was right after a vacation (camping)which was a nightmare - and then lots of stressors came on - like a sick animal, a car accident, other finacial stressor like increased student loan payments - debt consolidation...uggh the list goes on. Litterly I was just off my routine. It took me weeks to get the stregnth back up to workout again. It was like I was comatose, a shell of me. I just didnt care to cook, try new things, go places, be social. I just wanted to sleep, curl up on the couch and hug an animal (my Hurley Girl).

    But one day I put on my runners and packed my gym bag - I made myself get through 1 workout, I went grocery shopping and cooked a few of my fav meals that week! I slowly found my spark again. Throughout this time I was on a crappy plateau that I know was weigning on my patience, but after 3 mths, I hadnet gained. I had maintained buy not working out, watching what I was eating mostly, and sleeping...so in all due respect it could have been alot worse.

    At the start of Dec I knew my gym membership was coming to an end, I decided to totally switch it up and commit to a Hot Yoga membership for 2011. This change of pace has really helped me find the joy in working out again!

    Best of all im slowly breaking the plateau - if not with lbs, definitly with inches....

    Focus on what makes you happy, and just take a leap of faith...you will be inspired before you know it!

    Sending you lots of hugs!
    3759 days ago
    Yeah - I'm with SEEHOLZ - I don't think we're supposed to be "on" all the time either. Question - have you been taking your resting heart rate? I ask because it's a decent indicator of "over training". And it sounds like you might be a victim of over training. Back when I was in MUCH better shape and good health - I over trained a lot (a little is good more has to be BETTER - the American way!) and had a reaction very similar to yours. I swear that over training and all the other "over achieving" I've done in life added up to one serious autoimmune reaction that has been life-threatening 3 times in the last 5 yrs. Let me tell you - it's not fun. Plus it's hard on your family, your pocket book, and your body. If you need to sleep more. SLEEP MORE. If you need to work out less - do that! Whatever is sustainable to you at this point in your journey.

    I'm rooting for you!
    Peace out.

    3759 days ago
    It's something about January. I've been SO tired and SO hungry lately I feel like I'm going to die if I don't just eat and sleep all day. It's crazy. And it's making me angry. And I can't get warm...ever - unless I'm eating warm things in my warm bed...haha.
    3759 days ago
    Get outta my head! Seriously, minus the trip to Vegas...we are in the same spot. How can we kick each other in the booty to get going?!?! What will it take you? Want to figure out my crap and I'll figure out yours?

    Just know that I and so many others love you to death. Hugs!
    3759 days ago
  • MAIA2011
    Argh! Winter slow down. My sis is a size 0 and even though I was training for a half she had just completed a century ride so when I spent time with her it was a little much to have to walk everywhere and move whenever she wanted. But she was also telling me about my clothes and if I had a burger I could have cheese or avocado but not both so that was over-the-top annoying. On the one hand, it is great to see how other people live and on the other it is tiring.

    If your clothes are different then you made an impact, woman! Give yourself a break but don't do it too long (I am exhibit A LOL)

    3759 days ago
    I really believe that we are not supposed to be "on" and pushing all the time. It's hard when you change your daily routine, get thrown off and then try to get back into the game. Easing yourself in is quite okay- having the try attitude is stll very positive and once you get back into a good groove, you can up your game!

    You are exactly right- feeding body and soul is the way to go!!!
    3759 days ago
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