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A Whole Person

Monday, January 03, 2011

That's how much weight I want to lose... a whole other person. Isn't that crazy? Not that I want to lose it but that I let myself get there in the first place. Gosh, where did that woman come from? I'll tell you where she came from... years and years of ignoring herself, her feelings, her needs. Always putting other's needs, wants, and desires ahead of her own. Make no mistake, I'm not blaming anyone but myself. I am the only one that could've given that control away. I am the only one that stuffed my emotions with food rather than deal with them on a daily basis. There was no room for fear - you just eat. There was no room for pain - you just eat. Self-doubt... eat. Insecurity...eat. And to make up for it all, you have an amazing, upbeat personality that shines no matter what.

People enjoy being around me. I'm funny, the life of the party. What's not to love. But I never let anyone in. No one came over those walls so carefully erected by mountains and mountains of food. No one tried - but even if they had, I wouldn't have let them in. Needing someone else is a sign of weakness - or so I thought.

So, as 2011 begins, 2010 ends. I spent most of 2010 working on myself emotionally. Making myself whole emotionally. Getting myself to a place where I could truly be happy with me. Tearing down the walls myself and allowing others in. Granted, only the chosen few, but a few are better than none. And now as 2011 begins I will tear myself down physically. All in an effort to rebuild.

I want to lose a whole person in order to become a whole person.
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