I ate. And tried to fake a smile. (My birthday bash had to be postponed due to stupid snow and I was P.O.ed!)
I was uncomfortable all the time. Uncomfortable in my own skin. Unhappy with myself.
I tried not to have too much of a good time and felt uncomfortable standing next to my gorgeous and skinny friends. I heard the laughter and jeers from all around me and, even though I tried to ignore them, it broke my heart and my spirit.
I tried to find my best angle in the lens...but started to realize the best pictures were those with the least of me in them at all. Plus, everything looked puffy...all the time. No sharp angles. I didn't think this is what they meant by "curves."
One thing I couldn't escape was my reflection...and I didn't like it anymore.
I was sad and tired...
And then I went out one day, and I bought a bed just for me. One that I wanted. With my own money (and it wasn't cheap!). It was the most expensive thing I ever bought. A king sized bed for me and Hubs. Partly because our bed had broken down under my weight, and partly because we had never, not once, owned a brand new bed bought by us for us.
I got more sleep and I started to realize that I was falling back into hiding because I was scared of what people thought of me. (Sleep does wonders for mind, body and spirit!)
So, when we went on vacation, I tried to stop hiding. I wanted to ENJOY my life, not hide from it!
And I let myself be silly again!
And though it hurt to think that this was me...and it took me all week...I finally accepted it.
I guess I knew where I was headed long before I knew it, if that makes any sense. When I pre-ordered our tickets for Medieval Times, I ordered a vegetarian meal for me. And that night I began to realize how amazingly good and filling, and better than any greasy substitute, healthy foods like peppers and wild rice could taste! Healthy food that tasted great - not diet food that tasted like some cardboard-like horrible imitation of the "real" thing.
But I still had a lot of learning to do in the meantime...
I had to forgive and apologize to my legs. I had to accept that they couldn't carry me as well because of what *I* had done to them, the pressure I had put them under. I was ashamed of myself for letting it get this far...again.
I had to embrace my beauty and passion for myself again. I needed to remember why my body was so important to me on a purely aesthetic basis.
And I had to remember what was really important to me.
I knew change was coming when I did THIS on the beach...
I pulled that halter necktie right over my head and sunbathed on the beach. And not once did I worry about what other people thought. I got lost in my head. I got lost in the beauty of the moment. And it was beautiful...
And I had a drink...
...and I told myself to relax. Not at goal weight, but now. I was going to enjoy now.
That trip...and this hat ---
Changed my life. (April 2010)
I was about to graduate. A dream I had once deferred, had been pursued once more. And this time it would not end in guilt and remorse and failure. I had won. I had fought, and I had won, and that diploma in just a short month and a half, was going to be mine.
Suddenly I realized that it's okay to put our goals on hold for just a minute if we need time to readjust. I had become the person I was, and had the success I had in school, because the first time was an utter failure for me.
That next month, I would change my life in other ways. I thought about waiting for a better time...but I soon realized that the best time is RIGHT NOW. While you're thinking of it. While you're motivated and it's fresh in your mind. Tomorrow is never a guarantee, so start today.
Who knows...it could change your life, and take you from this:
(April 3, 2010...just 2 weeks prior to joining SP)
(Today - 12/30/10 2:20pm, while finishing this blog)