Wednesday, December 22, 2010
As those who follow my blogs have gotten to see, I've spent the last week and a half or so in utter chaos. My self-control flew right out the window. I was trying my best to stay on task, but my focus was gone and I couldn't keep it going for very long. I still worked out 3 days last week, but it did nothing to really improve my mood. I ate good when I felt that control, but then it all went to hell and I was back to eating whatever I wanted, whenever, and however much. I didn't care. That's what I told myself in those moments. I was too tired to fight anymore. I wanted what I wanted and I didn't care about the consequences.
Each day I woke up thinking, "Okay, restart...let's try this again." I had a few days where I had a few good hours, but it mostly fell apart by the time I got home. I cried at random. I cried until it hurt and then, at times, I refused to cry. I didn't know what was wrong, even though I tried and tried to narrow it down. I'm still not even really sure where the rock came that made me stumble and fall, but I'm starting to think it was more like a collection of little rocks, little things that were bothering me, scaring me, or things I had held back on dealing with. One of them would have easily been stepped on, forgotten and moved on from...but the mass amount build-up of so many little things created a disaster zone, and I had no real hope of doing anything but what I did...trying to make it through, and falling over and over again as I tried to get up.
On Sunday I vowed that I was done. I wrote a beautiful blog about what I was learning from my fall from grace, and that helped keep me on track for about three hours. At the movie, I ate lots of popcorn. And later, I think there was pizza. A LOT of pizza.
On Monday, I went to work like always. As I was getting out of my car, I looked up at the building and said, "Okay, Esther. Enough. This is it. This may be as good as it's ever going to get, and you need to learn how to live with that." And I cried a little inside my heart, gathered my belongings and tried to have a good day. I went to the gym later and felt like a zombie. I had no plan. I was like a blind person stumbling through. I saw a girl from Yoga class in the locker room. "I've missed this class so much!" she said excitedly. I smiled and echoed her sentiment, and followed her upstairs, and got out a mat and started class. And I grumbled in my head all the way through it. I don't remember the last time I used the word "hate" so much in one hour, except maybe when I was like 16 and hated everything and everyone for a while. I couldn't focus. I stayed in class and did every move until it was complete, but I didn't really care. I couldn't even lay still in corpse pose!
After Yoga I got on the elliptical and started hating on the girl next to me. (She is rather rude and annoying, as I was witness to one of her outbursts one night as a Pilates class used the area SHE wanted to work out in and she started saying things like, "This is stupid! Why don't you people move and let me do some REAL exercise!" Her boyfriend (i'm assuming) tried to quiet her, but she wasn't having it, even though they knew I could hear them (i wasn't in the class...I haven't been back since that first one) "What?" she said. "I don't care! They're just stretching! It's stupid!" I struggled with two thoughts in that moment, "Holy CRAP! Just stretching?! I would wager you have never tried that JUST STRETCHING there!" and "OMG! She thinks it's completely stupid and I wasn't even able to do it...I must REALLY suck!"....that was another one of those pebbles I talked about earlier.)
After 33 minutes on the elliptical at a pretty high intensity (for me...biatch next to me was pedaling like her friggin' mini shorts were on fire!), I did a few laps walking around the gym, and then did a lap of running. I was testing my hip, that's been hurting since I did Week 4, Day 1 last Saturday (another pebble). I went home and told myself I'd done good...but I didn't friggin' care. I ate and ate...and when that didn't work, I made Hubs go get me more cigs (I've been trying to stop smoking...another pebble) and a Big Mac and Fries from McD's...at 10:30pm! And I ate every bite, even though while he was gone I questioned myself because I knew I was already full. (That full feeling left when the food came...)
Tuesday morning I woke up and actually blurted out loud, "Okay, Esther. ENOUGH! You've had your fun...if that's what you're calling it. Now stop!" My stomach hurt. I had already admitted to Hubs the night before that I shouldn't have had the McD's. I knew better and I did it anyways. Stupid. I had a pretty good day. I skipped breakfast because I wasn't feeling well, but ate some oatmeal when I got to work. I felt in a better mood, and suddenly started making plans for the new year. I wasn't sure why, but everything felt a little easier to imagine in my head...and I just rode that wave all day.
After work I headed to the gym, and then talked myself into a detour to my son's school, where I hoped to meet his basketball coach. When I stopped at home to pee and saw my three boys sitting there, I admitted to Hubs that I had the strong urge to skip the gym and just go get something to eat with them, but that I didn't want to actually skip the gym. I looked at the clock. 5:30pm. "You know," I told him, all crafty like, "Zumba doesn't start until 7pm..."
I ate Ponderosa last night. Yes, I went to a buffet before I went to work out, but I ate in moderation because I did not want to be in physical pain from being stuffed throughout my entire workout. I indulged a bit, but I kept it reasonable. I felt myself regaining control little by little. And I soared in Zumba class after my instructor announced to everyone that I had won our Biggest Loser challenge by losing 12.5 inches overall in 8 weeks. And then she asked how much weight I had lost, and I went ahead and told them 80 pounds, even though I knew I was up a few from that. And everyone cheered and congratulated me and I had the balls to simply THANK THEM without shrugging it off as nothing.
Later that night, I had one brief thought about eating a cookie or something, but I stuck to a simple after-workout snack of my missed breakfast from the morning, and then had some Candy Cane Lane decaf tea and went to bed around 11pm.
This morning, I felt SO SORE in my body, but SO STRONG in my mind and spirit. I'm slowing returning to stable ground. I'm slowly getting my feet back under me...and I'm looking out for those pebbles, because I know that I'm sore and bruised right now. I'm not in the best shape. I don't have my invincible attitude anymore...I have to build that up again. But while I'm scared that I'll fall down again (a reason I wasn't here yesterday...I was trying so hard to focus and to not say something I wasn't going to do..I wanted to have one day of OKAY or even GOOD behind me before I tried to say anything else), I'm here. I'm showing up.
I spent the day putting together posters for my 2011 goals (which I'll share later). Four posters, splitting the year into 3-month segments, basically in seasons/season transitions....each with 11 goals for those 3 months, and 11 rewards for those goals. I've got a little more bounce in my step today. A little more shine in my shoes. I'm not going to get cocky again, I just want to stay proud and strong so that this new foundation I'm building is even better than the last one. I'm thinking of it like this quote I found today....
"Never worry about the delay in success because construction of wonders takes more time than ordinary building." -Vipin
Tonight I have my Week 4, Day 2 run scheduled from C25k. I have to say, I'm still very nervous. My hip is still a little sore, and I don't know how that will work out in the run. But for right now, I refuse to use that as an excuse to not try. I will work through it, alter my form if need be, and simply try to make it through my run steady and slow. And, if it pulls or feels too uncomfortable, I'll do something else. I'll walk a 5k or get back on the elliptical. As for the regularly scheduled ST tonight, I may skip it but I'm just not sure... First of all, I don't want to overwork the hip, but it is probably good to work it some. On the other hand, I've done yoga and some Zumba toning in the past 2 days (including a LOT of leg and hip work last night!) and I may need to give it some real rest. We'll play it by ear, but I will vow to myself right now to work out at least 30 minutes tonight, and to shoot for 45, whatever I end up doing.