Saturday, December 18, 2010
A big part of yesterday and today for me was accepting that I'm not perfect. That sounds completely ridiculous, but it's 100% true. After losing 80 pounds, I thought I had all the answers. I thought I knew what I was doing for sure. I took a trip for work, and I vowed that I wasn't going to be like everyone else and gain weight while I was away. I was stronger. I was better. I would lose the same 2 pounds or more. I would use every opportunity to eat right and exercise. And while I did use every opportunity to work out, walking everywhere and really making the most of it, while I did eat healthy and in moderation whenever I could, I stepped on the scale when I got back and discovered that I'm just like everyone else...and I gained a pound.
I spent the last week lost. How could I have done all I had known and still fail? Was I doomed to fail in everything? What did I do wrong? What happened?
It's taken me days of talking it out on here, trying to ignore it and move on, trying to forget, trying to give up...and then, this morning, I laid in my bed, staring at the ceiling, asking myself all these questions about who I was and what I wanted. I don't have all the answers. I don't even know if I have some of them. What I do know is this -- I didn't do anything wrong.
I just logged my workouts for that week, and I didn't even log it all through Nike from the few times I forgot to set it. What I did end up logging was 490 fitness minutes and 3009 SP calories burned in one week. There is NOTHING wrong with that. And I ate pretty sensibly. Probably had a few too many coffees from Starbucks, and that French dinner was a killer calorie-wise, and Chinese is never the best idea for me - but I did alright, good even. So, all in all, I did exactly what I set out to do. What's more, a burn-out period when I returned is completely understandable.
This week I only logged 105 fitness minutes...just 75 off my goal. And I burned 1304 of the 2230 goal calories I hoped to burn. So this awful week of mine wasn't so awful after all. Even if I get up tomorrow and see 338 on the scale again like I did this morning.
One thing I really need to realize, though...one thing I discovered through all of this is that I need to come back down to reality. I am not better than everyone else. I struggle and strive for greatness just like everyone else. I fail from time to time, and I succeed too.
So after gazing at the ceiling for a few minutes, and after asking myself, "What do you want your day to look like today?" I dragged myself out of bed, got dressed, dragged Ethan outside, headed to the gym and ran more than I ever have before in my life. Today I proved to myself that I could run for 5 minutes straight, and for 16 minutes total. I slowed down my pace, but I kept telling myself, "You can go slower, you can turn down the pace, but you CANNOT stop, you CANNOT turn that treadmill off." The first 5 minute run went really well...the second, not so much...but I did it, and I felt pretty proud after. I pushed myself through, got in a tiny ST routine, and then I left telling myself that I had done alright.
I've had enough of feeling sorry for myself.
I've had enough of feeling lost.
I've had enough of thinking I can't.
And I've also had enough of thinking I'm beyond what I am.
I am human.
I laugh, cry, try, succeed and fail just like everyone else.
And my moments of triumph make me no better.
And my moments of failure make me no worse.
I am who I am, and it's time I start figuring out who that is and what that means, beyond what the scale says.