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Coming Down

Saturday, December 18, 2010

A big part of yesterday and today for me was accepting that I'm not perfect. That sounds completely ridiculous, but it's 100% true. After losing 80 pounds, I thought I had all the answers. I thought I knew what I was doing for sure. I took a trip for work, and I vowed that I wasn't going to be like everyone else and gain weight while I was away. I was stronger. I was better. I would lose the same 2 pounds or more. I would use every opportunity to eat right and exercise. And while I did use every opportunity to work out, walking everywhere and really making the most of it, while I did eat healthy and in moderation whenever I could, I stepped on the scale when I got back and discovered that I'm just like everyone else...and I gained a pound.

I spent the last week lost. How could I have done all I had known and still fail? Was I doomed to fail in everything? What did I do wrong? What happened?

It's taken me days of talking it out on here, trying to ignore it and move on, trying to forget, trying to give up...and then, this morning, I laid in my bed, staring at the ceiling, asking myself all these questions about who I was and what I wanted. I don't have all the answers. I don't even know if I have some of them. What I do know is this -- I didn't do anything wrong.

I just logged my workouts for that week, and I didn't even log it all through Nike from the few times I forgot to set it. What I did end up logging was 490 fitness minutes and 3009 SP calories burned in one week. There is NOTHING wrong with that. And I ate pretty sensibly. Probably had a few too many coffees from Starbucks, and that French dinner was a killer calorie-wise, and Chinese is never the best idea for me - but I did alright, good even. So, all in all, I did exactly what I set out to do. What's more, a burn-out period when I returned is completely understandable.

This week I only logged 105 fitness minutes...just 75 off my goal. And I burned 1304 of the 2230 goal calories I hoped to burn. So this awful week of mine wasn't so awful after all. Even if I get up tomorrow and see 338 on the scale again like I did this morning.

One thing I really need to realize, though...one thing I discovered through all of this is that I need to come back down to reality. I am not better than everyone else. I struggle and strive for greatness just like everyone else. I fail from time to time, and I succeed too.

So after gazing at the ceiling for a few minutes, and after asking myself, "What do you want your day to look like today?" I dragged myself out of bed, got dressed, dragged Ethan outside, headed to the gym and ran more than I ever have before in my life. Today I proved to myself that I could run for 5 minutes straight, and for 16 minutes total. I slowed down my pace, but I kept telling myself, "You can go slower, you can turn down the pace, but you CANNOT stop, you CANNOT turn that treadmill off." The first 5 minute run went really well...the second, not so much...but I did it, and I felt pretty proud after. I pushed myself through, got in a tiny ST routine, and then I left telling myself that I had done alright.

I've had enough of feeling sorry for myself.
I've had enough of feeling lost.
I've had enough of thinking I can't.

And I've also had enough of thinking I'm beyond what I am.
I am human.
I laugh, cry, try, succeed and fail just like everyone else.
And my moments of triumph make me no better.
And my moments of failure make me no worse.

I am who I am, and it's time I start figuring out who that is and what that means, beyond what the scale says.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    What great, down-to-earth, realizations! i see you and I benefit from -- and suffer too! -- from the same tenacity (pigheadedness!). We have to watch out for that.

    I love how you wrote this:
    "And my moments of triumph make me no better.
    "And my moments of failure make me no worse."

    Very wise to remember. Thanks for the reminder because I needed it today, right now.

    3812 days ago
    Girl - you are a RUNNER!!!
    3835 days ago
    What a wonderful blog! The problem with eating out, and Chinese in particular, is always the sodium, so that alone can make you gain a pound. You exercised and Sparked and didn't forget your goals, despite being away, which is fantastic. The important part is not to give up.
    3837 days ago
    This blog was incredible. It just shows you are human and that every day isn't going to be perfect. But you made progress! So think about all the things that could have went wrong if you weren't on some kind of eating and exercise plan. You did a lot right! Even though the scale isn't showing it, taking some time to analyze it and seeing all you did right is huge progress. And...traveling for work and staying on an eating plan is incredibly hard and you did pretty well!! So don't beat yourself up - celebrate the fact that you did pretty well considering all the challenges that were in front of you. Even better, today you got up and got out there to exercise and do great. You're doing AWESOME!!! xoxo

    3837 days ago
    80 pounds is amazing! What an accomplishment and an inspiration.

    I loved the line: What do you want your day to look like today?
    3837 days ago
    You are one of the most honest people I know. Thanks for blogging this.
    3837 days ago
  • no profile photo CD1324592
    You do have all the answers and you put them to work. You get up and you keep on going. Think on this just over one pint of water equals a pound. How much water do you take in a day? I drink half to over a gallon thats 8.35 pounds every day and zero calories.
    3837 days ago
    You ran, you are doing it !!!! Always look forward, you have lost 80 pounds Esther - amazing, you can do it.
    3837 days ago
  • no profile photo CD7428910
    I am giving you a huge round of applause ~ standing ovation! I loved reading this.
    3837 days ago
    Great thoughts, they got me thinking too! Keep up the good work and focus on the positive! Thank you.
    3838 days ago
    What a great blog! If you've lost 80 lbs, 1 lb in the scheme of things is no biggie, even if it feels like it. AND because you were away and eating in strange places your sodium intake was probably up, so that could be the pound right there. You had a great week! None of us is perfect but you sure did great for being away on business, and you kept up your exercise, which is exemplary!

    I especially liked this "what do you want your day to look like?" I am going to borrow that and use it every day before I get out of bed. That is an awesome way to start the day. Thanks for the tip, and thanks for being human. It makes it a heck of a lot better on the rest of us who are, after all, human too.

    Ruth emoticon
    3838 days ago
  • JLITT62
    I almost always gain when I go away -- and I eat pretty well and I exercise. I've come to the conclusion that it's most likely the sodium from eating out a lot more than usual (cause once a week is the norm for us).
    3838 days ago
    3838 days ago
    Esther, I am so proud of you. For running, for challenging yourself, for striving for more. I am so proud to be your friend.
    3838 days ago
  • ERIN1128
    Can't tell you how much I love your honesty, and how much it helps the rest of us too!
    3838 days ago
  • no profile photo CD8301081
    You constantly amaze me with your self reflection and positive attitude. If I could bottle it up and take it out on my bad days I'd have it made. Well, I have the next best thing I can come and read your blog. Thanks for putting yourself out there and sharing. It is not easy to be real and that is what I like most about your blog. It feels real and I can relate. Our weight goals are not the same but the struggle and the journey is very familiar on a lot of levels. May you continue to push toward the prize of good health and strength in all areas of your life.
    3838 days ago
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