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Right and Wrong

Friday, December 17, 2010

All week I've been on a kick to discover what I've been doing right and what I've been doing wrong. When I got back from DC I weighed in at 335, and I was angry and upset. Why? Because I had put in so much work and, yet, I hadn't seen the results I had been hoping for. And all week I've only done half of what I know is right. As I told MEZZO, I have all the tools I need, but I've only been using half of them...and where has that gotten me? Maintaining.

On Sunday I weighed in at 335.
On Monday it was a low 336.
On Tuesday it was a high 336.
On Wednesday - 337.
On Thursday - 335.
And today? 337 again.

I'm fluctuating between those same 2 pounds up and down, and I know in my heart that I won't likely see lower than 335 on Sunday's weigh in. And I'm trying to remind myself that that is OK. I'm also trying to remind myself that not reaching my goal of being under 330 by Christmas is OK too. Why? Because I know I haven't done what I've needed to do, but I also know that I'm teaching myself a lesson and making myself stronger for the journey ahead. Because, the truth is, I haven't given up...at least not completely.

I haven't been strong this week. On Monday night, I worked out. I didn't do a full work out. I copped out on my ST because I wasn't feeling well. I just did my C25k and went home. And I overate a little that day.

On Tuesday I did a little better. And I dragged myself to Zumba even though I did not want to go. And I went home feeling a little better about myself, but ate a little too much for dinner.

On Wednesday I fell apart a little. I started giving myself the wacky permission to give in to my cravings...and this time they didn't end. Why? Because I didn't have control over myself like I have in the past few months. I let myself go because I was angry, upset and hurt. I received yet another rejection letter for a job, and I let that speak to me about the rejection I had been getting from life in general, and i rejected myself a little.

Yesterday, I let go of everything. I didn't work out. I ate no less than 4 pieces of pizza for lunch. I told myself it was alright because it was snowing endless snow outside and I hadn't packed a lunch, but I know I could have handled the situation in a much more productive manner. There's a CVS down the strip mall from me, and I could have chosen to eat the soup I bought there, light vegetable soup. But I didn't. I gave up and gave in. And when I got off work early, I chose to go home, to eat more throughout the night and not work out at all. I was confused and angry and got yet another rejection letter in the mail. And I fell apart and let myself fall into old habits. I told myself I didn't care anymore...but I did.

All week I've only done things halfway...and I've always hated people who whine about not seeing results when they only do things halfway. So I let myself hate myself for a little bit this morning...and then I took a breath and told myself to STOP.

What are my tools? What worked before? Where have I gone off track?
1) I worked out. Even if it was just the minimum for the day, I did what that minimum was.

2) I stuck to calorie ranges, even if I didn't stick to a fully health-filled diet of good foods. When I started I just ate whatever we had in the house, but I limited myself to my calorie ranges. Lately I've allowed myself some foods I had previously cut out of the majority of my diet, and I ignored the calories...just plain and simple ignored them.

3) I read Spark articles. I let Spark be my guide...but lately (and this is a big one) I got to thinking I knew more than everyone else. I'd lost 80 pounds, so I thought I didn't need the advice anymore. I knew what worked, so I didn't need the support and tools here. I was wrong. Majorly wrong! I don't know where this came from...I've always been the kind of person who said there was always something new to learn, more to know...I never used to let myself think I had all the answers. I don't. I need to bring myself off the pedestal I put myself on, humble myself, and get back to learning again how to make this new life work for me.

4) I logged and blogged everything. All week I've been avoiding my tracker like an idiot. I didn't even log last week all the walking I did (going to try to go back and add that, as I logged most of it on Nike's site). I logged a little of my food, but the rest of the time, I just avoided the thing like the plague. I didn't want to know. I let go of my thought that honesty is the best policy and told myself that I was better off not knowing. WRONG!

5) I found opportunities to move and make good choices. I walked at lunch. I did squats in my office. All I've been doing on breaks lately is sleeping and reading. I feel tired and lethargic, and I attributed that to the snow outside. But yesterday, when I got home from work early, I looked at the winter playground around me and just wanted to play in the snow...to run around and enjoy the season. And, you know what? I didn't do it. I let go of the happy feelings and instead gave into the negative ones. Bad move.

So, I guess what I'm saying is...I'm going back to step one in the process. I've lost 80 pounds, and I learned what opportunities were out there for me in the summer months. I learned how to use what was around me to get me where I wanted to go. And then I got a big head and thought I was too special for all that, and then I got a little lost when the snow hit the ground. So it's a winter restart for me.

Spark Diet - Step 1:
6 Fast Break Strategies

1) Do you know what you're eating? TRACK everything!
2) Finding the time - Learn what habits can fit into a realistic day.
3) Setting up shop - Reorganize your kitchen to prevent temptation, promote convenience and purchase wisely.
4) Site Tricks & Tips - Learn how to use SparkPeople.com to your advantage!
5) Keeping Goals Top of Mind - Create a vision collage.
6) Which diet strategies will work for you? - Go over your Spark program and set it up to make it work for you.


I'm going back to the beginning. I'm going to learn how to restart with this new body I've made for myself and discover what makes IT tick. Sure, most of it will be the same, but there could be some changes too. I gotta keep rolling with it, accepting my new self, and moving on from there. As RAVENSONG said, it's time for a reboot.

1 - I will track everything and measure, measure, measure!
2 - I will find time to workout every day, even if just for 10 minutes.
3 - I will make a list for shopping this weekend, and do a little batch cooking to fill any holes.
4 - I will rediscover Spark. There are still some parts of this site that I just don't get.
5 - I will rediscover my goals, write them down, and post them in front of my scale.
6 - And I will go over my Spark plan and make sure it's right for what I need right now.

Here we go again!
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I love your re-commitment, but I also want to point out all the stuff you were STILL doing RIGHT. You are still on the right path hon. I love you!
    3834 days ago
    I'm doing the same thing right now. Starting at the basics. Good luck!!
    3836 days ago
  • no profile photo CD7466362
    "..I haven't given up, at least not completely". My goodness, this is my situation now too. Because of your blog I looked back on my week (ouch) and when the list grewgrewgrew, well now no mystery. I just have to regroup, get back at it. Thank you for showing me this.
    3836 days ago
    What's kinda of neat about this week is now you know for a fact that as long as you work out (even if you're not at 100%), you can pretty much eat what you want without gaining. That's awesome knowledge to have. And the flipside is true, too - as long as you eat right, even if you miss your workouts, you'll maintain. To lose, you need both, but you know that, and your plan looks awesome.

    Don't be discouraged, Esther, and when you are at goal weight, this will be a great blog to go back to so that you can remind yourself that having 4 slices of pizza for lunch isn't going to set you back as long as you have done your Zumba and some C25k ( or whatever your cardio is at that point).

    You are really awesome, you know that?

    3836 days ago
  • SHEILA1505
    This will work!
    I'm going to apply it to myself, too :)
    Getting complacent isn't going to help anyone and you've given me the nudge I needed - going back to square one just has to be the answer. Start again at today's numbers and get that Spark lit properly or rather, in my case, give it a little oxygen so it can ignite and shine brightly

    3837 days ago
    Great job. And getting a rejection is hard, so allow yourself to FEEL sad, angry, whatever comes up, and let the emotion move on out and through you without numbing it with food. Way to go in working through what's been going on for you!
    3837 days ago
    The one good thing about getting off track is that you have new commitment and new energy to try again. And you clearly have that renewed sense of commitment and so, weird as it may sound, it's a good thing that you let it all go for a while, cuz you'll be so much stronger this time around. I wouldn't sweat the fluctuation of a couple pounds either. Look at the bigger picture for a while. You'll start losing consistently again. Just hang in there. Do what works. And DON'T GIVE UP!
    3837 days ago
    Oh yes, and emoticon I sent you my email address in Facebook mail. As soon as you send me a copy of your resume/cover letter, I'll look it over and give you some feedback!
    3837 days ago

    Comment edited on: 12/17/2010 8:51:46 PM
    Ok, first of all I have no idea how I got unsubscribed from your blog. Second of all, how much do I relate to this entire post? I've never really given full thought to the amount of stress everyone is under during the holidays, because I've always just numbed the stress and chaos with food. This holiday, I'm just stressed. ARGH! Sometimes it seems like you can't win, right? I'm fighting 6 pounds at the moment. WTF is that about? Well... it's probably that I'm not eating breakfast, or healthy snacks, and missing regular meals.. and barely getting enough water. Hmm. I guess it's more of a "Hi, you are a dumb*ss Paula." :) Live and learn, right?

    I've also been justifying the cravings for whatever reason. I don't like it and want to stop. Thank you for continuing to share your story, it gives me strength.
    3837 days ago
  • ERIN1128
    You go, girl!
    3837 days ago
    Hooray! WTG! I love your Frank assessment and how you keep yourself honest. Excellent job.
    3837 days ago
    It's easy to feel like an expert when you've been so successful! I'm right there with you and there's no better time than RIGHT NOW to rekindle your spark.

    3837 days ago
  • _TRIXIE_
    I'm sorry to hear about the letter in the mail; what a crappy way to top off the day.

    But each day you get a do-over. You can't erase what happened, but you have all the power you need to make sure you don't repeat it. Good luck with the reboot. I've done it before and I know I will do it again. Sometimes, you get so lost in the journey that you need to reign it all in and reassess. It's a great practice, I hope it works for you!

    And next time, go play in the snow, hon! Show your kids that you can have fun outside in the winter!
    3837 days ago
    Yes, yes, yes! You were doing so good while you were in DC and you were getting incredible mileage in but if you weren't happy, you weren't happy. Get back to the basics and give yourself a fresh start and you are going to find that spark in you again. I'm here if you need to talk!
    3837 days ago
  • no profile photo CD8301081
    Sounds like you are right on track for getting back into the swing of things that work for you. emoticon
    3837 days ago
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