Last night I was watching Tabitha's Salon Takeover with Hubs. (I know, strange, right?! *lol*) Anyhow, there was a woman on there, the salon's co-owner, who seemed defensive whenever the employees told her anything was wrong. Hubs and I started talking about her getting emotional when it was improper in business situations and I said something to the effect of, "She seems like the kind of person who never loses and I think she's scared because she knows she's failing at this." And Hubs looks at me, laughs and says, "Well that's silly! You can't have success without failures!"
It goes right along with a Spark article I read this morning on the successes and failures of Abe Lincoln. (Fitting considering my recent trip to DC, and my theory since childhood that Lincoln was my favorite president of all time. Funny, my kids asked me why and I couldn't really tell them...but after reading this article, I think it's firming up my belief that he was a triumph because he kept getting back up after every fall.)
Read the article here:
The point is, little Abe struggled, and both little and big Abe failed many, many times. It took him 3 times to get elected to Congress. He never succeeded at getting elected to the Senate...and that great speech he gave that we now have our children study in school? It was considered a flop. And yet, ask most people what they think of Lincoln and they'll likely not have much bad to say about the man.
This all ties in with something I commented to someone in a blog recently...about how falling is normal and human, but how getting up again and continuing to move forward is what separates us from those who never succeed.
I think you see what I'm getting at here. In order to win, we have to learn how to lose. It's not the fall that's important, but the refusal to stay down, the fight to get back up, dust ourselves off, and get going again. And falling can happen a lot in life.
I failed the first time I did Zumba. And now I'm sort of a pro.
I failed when I started to attempt to run. And now I'm doing C25k.
I have fallen over and over again. And this feeling I'm experiencing? The experience of the past three days? It's just another fall I need to get through.
I still can't get my 24s on comfortably, though it was a goal for Thanksgiving or Christmas.
I haven't reached, and likely won't reach, my goal of under 330 by Christmas.
But last week I walked about 20 miles. I worked out at the gym. I ate healthy options except a few exceptions here and there. (Seriously, that french dish was probably awful for me....penne pasta, Roquefort cheese and black truffle shavings...and that was just the STARTER!...but it was SO TOTALLY worth it!) I made good choices, I kept moving, and I felt more alive than I've felt in so very long!
Sunday night I took a literal fall in my living room. And it took me a while, but I did finally get up. I kept thinking to myself the entire time, "Why are you still on the ground? It hurt, yes, but you're fine. Just get up, stupid!" But then I realized that I was scared. That fall hadn't happened because my knee went out. My knee didn't even go out when I fell. I didn't break anything. And all I could think was, "Is this was it feels like to fall as a skinny person?" Yes, I actually thought that.
I'm scared right now. Awfully scared. The kind of scared that keeps you from moving. The kind of scared that makes you retreat backwards.
I'm scared because this new body of mine is just that - new. I don't understand it. It feels so strange and foreign to just walk and walk and walk, and only feel completely exhausted after hours of walking and realizing that you've walked 6 miles and have every right to feel completely exhausted...especially considering you already "ran" 2 miles earlier that day.
I'm scared because my collarbone hurts. The right one. It hurts to touch it. Is it bruised? Is that the one I've broken twice in my life? Is that the way it's supposed to feel? Is there supposed to be a little bump there?
I'm scared because I heal quicker than before. The day after my 6.5 mile walk, I was fine the next morning. Even the windburn/rash/whatever on my legs didn't hurt quite as bad as the night before.
I'm scared because I look in the mirror sometimes and I don't recognize myself. I think, "Wow! I look great!" and then I second guess myself, because there is no way, mentally, I can wrap my head around being thinner.
I'm scared because my husband constantly compliments me.
I'm scared because a size 2x dress sent to me last night fit...and I didn't think it would.
I'm scared because the 24s still don't fit, and I know it's because of my stupid "stomach apron" or whatever it's called.
I'm scared that I'll never get rid of that thing.
I'm scared of what happens when I do.
I'm scared to realize that, if I try hard enough, I could possibly see 230, my PT's set goal weight by the end of 2011...what then?
MEZZOANGEL wrote a blog about this feeling she got after realizing she was so close, after realizing she was standing on the doorway of that final goal she set for herself. And I agree with her 100%...it's scary. And I guess we're going to have to be scared together. I may not be standing on the doorway, but I've reached a mental halfway point (and almost a physical one as well), because my body is so differently changed from what it was when I began.
I may have fallen Sunday night. I may have "fallen" Saturday through Monday (nope, I did NOT work out last night. I ate a ton of crap and sat on the couch watching TV with Hubs). And even though it might take a little while, I'm going to get back up.
My husband is right...you can't succeed without falling. Why? Because you have to learn the lessons of success each time you stumble, or you're bound to have a huge fall from grace later. This fall of mine? I'm looking at is as a lesson, and one I really need to learn.
30 is coming.
2011 is coming.
Vegas is coming.
A new body is coming.
A lack of stomach is coming.
A bounty of clothes is coming.
230 is coming.
So I'm just going to sit here, and eat my salad, and listen...listen to the lesson I need to hear. About how I can get back up every time. About how every fall creates a callous. About how I'm healing faster than ever now.