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All is Not Lost

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Last night I was watching Tabitha's Salon Takeover with Hubs. (I know, strange, right?! *lol*) Anyhow, there was a woman on there, the salon's co-owner, who seemed defensive whenever the employees told her anything was wrong. Hubs and I started talking about her getting emotional when it was improper in business situations and I said something to the effect of, "She seems like the kind of person who never loses and I think she's scared because she knows she's failing at this." And Hubs looks at me, laughs and says, "Well that's silly! You can't have success without failures!"

Wow, right?!

It goes right along with a Spark article I read this morning on the successes and failures of Abe Lincoln. (Fitting considering my recent trip to DC, and my theory since childhood that Lincoln was my favorite president of all time. Funny, my kids asked me why and I couldn't really tell them...but after reading this article, I think it's firming up my belief that he was a triumph because he kept getting back up after every fall.)

Read the article here:

The point is, little Abe struggled, and both little and big Abe failed many, many times. It took him 3 times to get elected to Congress. He never succeeded at getting elected to the Senate...and that great speech he gave that we now have our children study in school? It was considered a flop. And yet, ask most people what they think of Lincoln and they'll likely not have much bad to say about the man.

This all ties in with something I commented to someone in a blog recently...about how falling is normal and human, but how getting up again and continuing to move forward is what separates us from those who never succeed.

I think you see what I'm getting at here. In order to win, we have to learn how to lose. It's not the fall that's important, but the refusal to stay down, the fight to get back up, dust ourselves off, and get going again. And falling can happen a lot in life.

I failed the first time I did Zumba. And now I'm sort of a pro.
I failed when I started to attempt to run. And now I'm doing C25k.

I have fallen over and over again. And this feeling I'm experiencing? The experience of the past three days? It's just another fall I need to get through.

I still can't get my 24s on comfortably, though it was a goal for Thanksgiving or Christmas.
I haven't reached, and likely won't reach, my goal of under 330 by Christmas.

But last week I walked about 20 miles. I worked out at the gym. I ate healthy options except a few exceptions here and there. (Seriously, that french dish was probably awful for me....penne pasta, Roquefort cheese and black truffle shavings...and that was just the STARTER!...but it was SO TOTALLY worth it!) I made good choices, I kept moving, and I felt more alive than I've felt in so very long!

Sunday night I took a literal fall in my living room. And it took me a while, but I did finally get up. I kept thinking to myself the entire time, "Why are you still on the ground? It hurt, yes, but you're fine. Just get up, stupid!" But then I realized that I was scared. That fall hadn't happened because my knee went out. My knee didn't even go out when I fell. I didn't break anything. And all I could think was, "Is this was it feels like to fall as a skinny person?" Yes, I actually thought that.

I'm scared right now. Awfully scared. The kind of scared that keeps you from moving. The kind of scared that makes you retreat backwards.

I'm scared because this new body of mine is just that - new. I don't understand it. It feels so strange and foreign to just walk and walk and walk, and only feel completely exhausted after hours of walking and realizing that you've walked 6 miles and have every right to feel completely exhausted...especially considering you already "ran" 2 miles earlier that day.

I'm scared because my collarbone hurts. The right one. It hurts to touch it. Is it bruised? Is that the one I've broken twice in my life? Is that the way it's supposed to feel? Is there supposed to be a little bump there?

I'm scared because I heal quicker than before. The day after my 6.5 mile walk, I was fine the next morning. Even the windburn/rash/whatever on my legs didn't hurt quite as bad as the night before.

I'm scared because I look in the mirror sometimes and I don't recognize myself. I think, "Wow! I look great!" and then I second guess myself, because there is no way, mentally, I can wrap my head around being thinner.

I'm scared because my husband constantly compliments me.
I'm scared because a size 2x dress sent to me last night fit...and I didn't think it would.
I'm scared because the 24s still don't fit, and I know it's because of my stupid "stomach apron" or whatever it's called.
I'm scared that I'll never get rid of that thing.
I'm scared of what happens when I do.
I'm scared to realize that, if I try hard enough, I could possibly see 230, my PT's set goal weight by the end of 2011...what then?

MEZZOANGEL wrote a blog about this feeling she got after realizing she was so close, after realizing she was standing on the doorway of that final goal she set for herself. And I agree with her 100%...it's scary. And I guess we're going to have to be scared together. I may not be standing on the doorway, but I've reached a mental halfway point (and almost a physical one as well), because my body is so differently changed from what it was when I began.

I may have fallen Sunday night. I may have "fallen" Saturday through Monday (nope, I did NOT work out last night. I ate a ton of crap and sat on the couch watching TV with Hubs). And even though it might take a little while, I'm going to get back up.

My husband is right...you can't succeed without falling. Why? Because you have to learn the lessons of success each time you stumble, or you're bound to have a huge fall from grace later. This fall of mine? I'm looking at is as a lesson, and one I really need to learn.

30 is coming.
2011 is coming.
Vegas is coming.
A new body is coming.
A lack of stomach is coming.
A bounty of clothes is coming.
230 is coming.

So I'm just going to sit here, and eat my salad, and listen...listen to the lesson I need to hear. About how I can get back up every time. About how every fall creates a callous. About how I'm healing faster than ever now.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • FLGIRL1234
    You know, reading your blog reminded me so much of my sister in law and how I wish she would get to where you are mentally. Right now she just wallows in her own self pity wanting to be better but never quite gettting there mentally to actual start her journey. Your blog was so inspirational that I want to send it to her to show her it can be done...even when you feel its just no use. Get out there and just move forward. Love this blog! Thank you for sharing!
    3838 days ago
    It's okay to be scared. Just know you are not alone in all of this.
    3838 days ago
    There it is! Great blog! And THIS is why you are NOT a failure my dear. You recognize this. You have fallen and you have gotten back up over and over and over again. Keep doing it. Your progress shows and you're outstanding!
    3838 days ago
  • no profile photo CD3035359
    Fantastic blog...thank you!
    3839 days ago
    Let's all be scared together! We can totally do this. It's time to shed the mental AND physical weight.
    3839 days ago
  • no profile photo CD6721736
    you are awesome...and I am so proud of you for reconizeing these things
    3840 days ago
  • no profile photo CD6266064
    WOW! This gave me chills. Thank you so much for your inspiration!!!
    3840 days ago
  • SWELL10
    Wow! This blog is so insightful and speaks to so many of us in this journey. Thank you!
    3840 days ago
    I fell of my bicycle in late October. It was pretty hard crash and I was bruised from my calf, to my hip, to my back and shoulder. My neck hurt and I had a horrible headache for about 2 days. And all I could think was, "Wow, that didn't hurt as much as it used to hurt when I weight 276 lbs.!" Isn't funny?

    I love your insights and good for Hubs for being so smart and thank you for sharing your wisdom learned.

    Keep healing and most importantly, keep getting back up. I will too!
    3840 days ago
    "Something's coming, something good...if I can wait..." - Leonard Bernstein, West Side Story
    But NOT just wait!.. patience is part of working.
    My best voice teacher used to say, "you can't sing a good high note unless you can sing a bad one!" And then he'd make me sing a bad one and we'd both crack up!
    Abe's wisdom. Thanks, Esther, you rock and you are emoticon and you are gonna get there.
    and when you're there, there's gonna be a "there" there... emoticon
    3840 days ago
    Always look forward and not back, thanks for sharing. Great blog !
    3840 days ago
  • no profile photo CD7466362
    I agree with you... scared. I think it's because we're just days away from the end of the year, a year that was productive, full of hope and accomplishments. But it seems like it's never enough. You have inspired me to get up off my booty and start the C25K. YOU!! So just ride the wave. I just bet when the new year arrives, everyone is going to be walking two feet off the ground for the potential of 2011. 12 months to again be awesome!!
    3840 days ago
    I love you Esther!
    3840 days ago
  • NIKNAK1980
    Your words always ring true to me & I thank you for sharing them so openly & deeply in your blogs! It is a scary thing to face when you think about it. Society sees you different, you see you different, every feeling is different..I've been there, although I went on a WAY too long fall to the floor and am just now starting to get back up, so thank you again for those words!! emoticon
    3840 days ago
    Great blog--- your hubs is so right! It almost seems like a theme in your week... to be reminded of failure... leading to success.

    I might fall a million of times, but you can't fail unless you stop trying, right?

    That's what I try to remember and whenever I'm sooo upset at my lack of progress ( in terms of weight loss) I remember where I would be if I had given up. That's pretty eye opening to me.
    3840 days ago
    Isn't it strange how it takes an external comment to make us realise such an important life lesson?

    I love that you see how important it is to keep getting up. There's a major lesson there, not just for staying on the healthy eating and lifestyle plan .. but for everything else in life.

    Good for you, girlie. :)
    3840 days ago
    Amen, If you fall 20 times, get up 70. Otherwise you will never succeed. Nothing beats a try but a failure. Be Encouraged and Keep up the emoticon work.
    3840 days ago
  • no profile photo CD5190246
    Each time I sabotage myself it means I'm scared. Thankfully, it happens less and less these days. This journey scary - change is hard but it's also freeing.

    3840 days ago
  • no profile photo CD8301081
    Great blog. Thanks for putting a voice to what so many people feel but don't know what they are feeling or how to put it in words. I'm so blessed to be able to peek in on your journey. When you reach your goal I will be part of that cyber party celebrating with you. emoticon
    3840 days ago
  • no profile photo CD7275941
    It is scary! I agree and then you wonder "Am I really me anymore?" and there is all this mumbo-jumbo about the "new me" and you realize that all along you have been "the regular me" except you didn't even know it. And the funny thing is "the regular me" sticks around no matter what happens on the outside or inside. All change is scary, but you have a lot of support. I have been feeling like the world is sitting on my back and I am sprawled on the ground. But you are right! This is only a fall, and I need to brush myself off. And so do you! Thanks for always having inspiring blog posts. It really brings all sorts of things into perspective.
    ps. Abe Lincoln may have had a lot of failures, but he was one of the best presidents in my opinion too. They didn't call him Honest Abe for nothing!
    3840 days ago

    Comment edited on: 12/14/2010 12:18:27 PM
    Thank you for sharing! I also agree with Determined_Soul ~ failures are really "learning moments"!
    3840 days ago
  • MISZI1030
    Wow...I love your thought process. Keep moving!!! Thank you for sharing.
    3840 days ago
    You are doing great! It is so true...one learns from their "failures" if you want to call them that. I call them "learning moments".
    3840 days ago
  • KARVY09
    You're getting there, girl.

    No self-sabotage. Patience. Zumba. Love.
    3840 days ago
    Thank you for sharing this ... I've been battling the blahs all day and now I'm going to sit and read this again, and let your words of wisdom really sink in ...
    3840 days ago
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