Here I am, over a year and a half after the death of my brother Steven and I am at Christmas season #2 without him. If I recall correctly, last year it was still so fresh (9 months of him gone) that nothing about the holidays, in specific, really set me off. This year seems different.
The stocking. There is just something about 'his' stocking. We all grew up with our own special stockings, we never bought new stockings, or switched stockings, or any of that. We always were so happy and proud to hang up our own stockings. Yes, I am 29 years old, but every year it's a "ritual" for us. And we still hang up Steven's stocking, but where everyone else's stocking will be filled on Christmas morning, his won't be. I am tempted to put something in there, but what? Obviously there is nothing in this material world that he wants. I am sure he just wants us to be at peace with his passing and enjoy our lives. I would just give anything to give him something, anything, that he wants.
Maybe I have said this before, but I had an idea that I have tried to do for holidays and his birthday and such. And please know, I am not trying to toot my own horn here, this is just an idea I want to share because maybe it will feel like a good idea for someone on one of my grief or suicide teams that I am on. I am trying to give a donation to a charity (the charity I give to varies, but for the most part something humanitarian), in about the amount that I would have spent for him for a gift. So here comes Christmas and I think it is going to be Boys Town. I have also given to the National Foundation for Suicide Prevention ( I think that is the name) since I would give anything to have him back.
My parents have given some of his memorial funds to some pet or animal rescue charity since he had a rescue min pin, Rascal, who has been a joy in our lives. They also used a little bit of the money to fix Rascal's leg again since it had more problems and my brother couldn't afford to fix it. I am not sure what they did with the rest of it. I think there is still some left. My mom had mentioned some idea to me a few months ago and I can't remember what it was, but she mentioned it and I thought, "ugh, not a good idea." But I know we all have our own ideas of what a good use of memorial money should be used for. I just wish they would do something with it because it doesn't do anyone any good just sitting there. Feed some hungry people, clothe some cold people, whatever!
Ok, I have to get up and do something. Put away clean laundry and turn the heat up, it's cold in here. Please keep my family in your prayers.
Love you always Steven.