I had my meeting at the eating disorder clinic. I had some anxiety before going there, because I had not done my home-work, I had not eaten my meals as I was supposed to. I was afraid to be thrown out for "misbehaving"and really hesitated if to confess or to lie and start over...
But since they weigh me I knew that there would be proof of my excessive eating during the last weeks and I would have to have an explanation so I decided to tell he truth (well, to be honest, not the WHOLE truth, but enough to explain...)
The last week I have relapsed in sick behaviour. Since I had eaten too much I wanted to compensate by not eating at all before the weigh-in. Started my days without breakfast, no lunch and at evening I crashed and ate... and as you all know it is not the smartest choices of food we make after starving... so I had chocolate and buns and gingerbread with french cheese...
I confessed this and we talked about eating regularly as the most important change NOT weight-loss. It will come once I establish sensible eating... The threat of being thrown out DOES dangle over my head, my therapist says that there is no use going there if it does not help me... but it DOES help me, after confessing these sick things and talking abut it I felt a lot better. And ironic enough I would have lied (and felt lousy) if we had weighed in as a first thing at the meeting... because I had lost 1,9 kilos since I was there the last time (three weeks ago)
This shows that I have no realistic self-image at all – in my mind I had eaten way too much and probably gained several kilos. In reality the thought of those booked meetings does prevent me from eating some times and it keep me trying even after a binge or bad choice.
I have a very distorted part of me that tells me that I am useless and a failure. I am also a cheat and does not contribute enough.
If I try to look at my actions and my consequences:
– I have lost weight every time since they started weighing me at the eating disorder clinic - I must have done SOMETHING right.
– my last edition of the economic supplement was printed yesterday and got a lot of praise – during the time I have made that I have also contributed to the daily newspaper with three articles a well plus short notes...
– our new manager comes to me to discuss things, she obviously values my opinions.
– my daughter seems very happy to visit me and stays calm and positive while she is here.
– I had a continuous flow of friends coming by on my birthday, I think they like me for being me.
– and the birds outside are very happy that I exist and feed them during these unusually cold days...:-)
If I look at fact I am probably a much nicer, productive, and successful person than my mind says. I have to start acting as if, the therapist agreed that that might be a way to change. But trusting my own judgement is no good because there is a depressed hag inside telling me that I am no good and messing all the good things up...
I am not a project to be fixed, I am me and good enough and I have to act as if this is the truth... whatever my sick mind tells me!
Thanks for reading!