Food doesn't console...
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Food "doesn't console. It doesn't fill up anyone's psychological gaps. All it replaces is the lack of God." -- Marguerite Duras.
I just ran across this line by one of my favorite authors. She writes about alcoholism. But, for me, this sentiment applies to abusing food, as well.
I can see this truth in action in my life in the moments when I've been in the most pain around food, eating and my body. At those times, I haven't been relying upon connection to the Universe, to the One Source. I've been empty. And I've used food or other self-harm to fill up the emptiness. But beyond filling emptiness, abusing food has literally made me bigger. Bigger in body, anyway. And also bigger in emotions, in some respects. Abusing food brought lots of emotions up -- discomfort, self-hatred, anxiety about how high I would go on the scale, worry about my future health -- while providing a literal cushion between me and the world. It's strange though, because as big as my body might get, the person inside, the core of "me" becomes invisible, I believe, when I'm fat. I feel less and less myself, less and less present and free in the world. And I have an excuse to avoid activities -- I don't feel well emotionally and physically. It's a spiral that leads to more disconnection, more stuffing with food and less spiritual wellness.
But when I am connected to the Source, I know I'm okay. Whatever my weaknesses and imperfections, I'm enough. I'm worthy. However crummy my day is going, I am not alone. It's much easier to treat myself well when I remember that I'm lovable and loved.
I get to remember this when I'm feeling low: the best strategy is to seek spiritual connection, followed by connection to others. Isolation and using food as substitute for connection don't work!