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Looking back...

Saturday, November 06, 2010

Five years ago I gave up drinking alcohol. I was bothered that my consumption was slowly increasing and as my mother was an alcoholic I thought that sooner or later this was going to become a bigger problem than "just" my own anxiety that it might be a problem... Later I have sometimes wondered why I had to be so "extreme" to join AA and become totally sober when I did not have any of the consequences that are mentioned in AA literature - apart from my own anxiety.

I usually say at meetings that I joined AA to get sober and now I am staying sober to be able to attend AA... and that is very much the truth. I get some much from the ESH (experience strength and hope) my fellow AA:ers share that it is really a small "sacrifice" to be sober.

But the other day another thought struck me. The last year – since I moved and lost every-day living with my daughter – has been the worst I ever had to face. Cancer, my business going down, lies and harassment from my ex - nothing has been hard compared to the anguish of not having her around and the feeling of injustice that the court choosed to listen to my ex and the hard feeling of powerlessness when I see that her life is not as good as it could be.

And I realize that if my spirit had been weakened by alcohol consumption, I would probably not have been able too stay alive, considering the strong suicidal streak that runs in my family.

If I am to endure this situation, maybe for many years ahead, I will have to take really good care of myself to strengthen all the parts that I have some little control of. To be honest, it is not as much as I sometimes think, trying to stay on track with food and exercise is sometimes impossible but I can forgive myself and let it go. And try again.

And understand what a blessing I have in being "extreme" – letting go of alcohol has been good for me and I can´t say that I miss it.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • CHRISTURTLE
    You are such an inspiration to me - despite everything, you stand strong in the hope that things will get better, and if all the prayers and hopes and good wishes of your Spark friends and those who are close to you in your 'real' life, I know life WILL be better for you soon.
    Look at what you have already achieved! There you are, in your OWN house! This is the first of many steps towards achieving the happiness and contentment you are so deserving of. Never ever give up on all you hope for, all you dream of happening, and when the time is right, these things will just fall into place for you and your wonderful daughter.
    I cried when I read your message in response to my blog about Ned and his destructive streak - maybe its time you found yourself another dog to love and to give you love in return. I know only too well how much better it feels to return home when there is a dog waiting anxiously to have you spend some time with him/her. Its wonderful when you are feeling down and just wanting to hide from the rest of the world, to have a dog looking at you, with that look of unconditional love in its eyes.
    Think about it, my wonderful friend,
    Chris.

    3624 days ago
  • KAMAPERRY
    You are so right and way to go for overcoming the alcohol. I too go to 12 step meetings! emoticon
    3642 days ago
  • 1_AMAZING_WOMAN
    You have been a strong person to get through all you have been through, and continue to deal with. One day at a time... that's all we can do. You seem to be doing it well.

    Hugs,
    Amber
    3643 days ago
  • SILLYHP1953
    12-step meetings are a powerful emotional accepting family for us. I am really grateful for Bill W and the founding members for coming up with those steps. You do have a strong spirit. Thanks for sharing some of your story.
    emoticon Phyllis
    3643 days ago
  • JOCALAT
    You are a strong woman and should be proud of all that you have accomplished....every day is a battle for someone with alcoholism and to have bc on top of it....when you are able to heal yourself and forgive yourself for all that has happened only then will you be able to start to live the life you deserve - the other factors like the ex won't be so bad because you will have regained control of yourself and your destiny and he will no longer hold power over you with his actions and words. The relationship with your daughter will take time....it will heal when she sees the changes you have made in your life and how you react to her dad...she will see him eventually for the jerk that he is...hang in there..sending prayers and hugs your way!! Alcoholism runs in my family and I am proud of what you have accomplished so far in your life!!
    3644 days ago
  • TIGGERIFFIC123
    You couldn't be more on track with your thinking. You need to stay strong, healthy in body, mind and spirit as regardless of where your daughter resides she needs you just as much and one day she will be HOME!! You have proven your strength over and over in your life so you know YOU CAN DO IT!!

    Take Care,
    Rhonda
    3644 days ago
  • GATOR12
    My son is an alcoholic and I go to Al-Anon! It is something I do to recover from my co-dependency; as you say something I have decided to do for me that makes me a better stronger person. As we SHARE (the service part of Al-Anon or AA) we gain and others gain that experience, strength and hope. You have gone through a lot of really grief filled events but I know you are a better (in ways) stronger person for it. I applaud you especially in your determination to halt your drinking before you lost your mental cognition. I grieve for what my son could have been and all he has lost to alcoholism!! lol Brenda
    3644 days ago
  • LEANJEAN6
    Youv are one very strong person to go through all this--Positive thoughts are coming your way--Keep going!! You are a good person!
    3644 days ago
  • J-ALEXIS
    I sounds like you have had not only a very tough year but also many other extremely difficult times as well. Your strength in overcoming alcohol, as well as the other hardships that have come your way is amazing!!

    Don't underestimate the strength that YOU have!! Clearly you are a strong woman. YOU stopped drinking. Congratulations!!!!

    Wishing you extreme success on making wise food and exercise choices. For you are correct, a strong, healthy body will only make you more powerful in facing life's difficulties.

    I send across the ocean strength, motivation, huge warm smiles, and many hugs.
    emoticon emoticon

    J.alexis
    3644 days ago
  • MARWAR60
    It sounds like you're very strong. One day at a time is my motto, and it sounds like you've been through alot more than I have. You're doing great!!! Stay strong!
    3644 days ago
  • ONEKIDSMOM
    emoticon
    3644 days ago
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