Saturday, November 06, 2010
Five years ago I gave up drinking alcohol. I was bothered that my consumption was slowly increasing and as my mother was an alcoholic I thought that sooner or later this was going to become a bigger problem than "just" my own anxiety that it might be a problem... Later I have sometimes wondered why I had to be so "extreme" to join AA and become totally sober when I did not have any of the consequences that are mentioned in AA literature - apart from my own anxiety.
I usually say at meetings that I joined AA to get sober and now I am staying sober to be able to attend AA... and that is very much the truth. I get some much from the ESH (experience strength and hope) my fellow AA:ers share that it is really a small "sacrifice" to be sober.
But the other day another thought struck me. The last year – since I moved and lost every-day living with my daughter – has been the worst I ever had to face. Cancer, my business going down, lies and harassment from my ex - nothing has been hard compared to the anguish of not having her around and the feeling of injustice that the court choosed to listen to my ex and the hard feeling of powerlessness when I see that her life is not as good as it could be.
And I realize that if my spirit had been weakened by alcohol consumption, I would probably not have been able too stay alive, considering the strong suicidal streak that runs in my family.
If I am to endure this situation, maybe for many years ahead, I will have to take really good care of myself to strengthen all the parts that I have some little control of. To be honest, it is not as much as I sometimes think, trying to stay on track with food and exercise is sometimes impossible but I can forgive myself and let it go. And try again.
And understand what a blessing I have in being "extreme" – letting go of alcohol has been good for me and I can´t say that I miss it.