Fighting off a binge
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Evening, all. I'm writing tonight in an attempt to ward off a binge. Here's what's causing that nagging, "Must eat everything dipped in peanut butter" feeling.
On Tuesday, the husband and father of two of my Jazzercise students committed suicide. The daughter is roughly my age, and my heart hurts immensely for them. I didn't know him well, but we had met before.
More than that, this situation brought back a LOT of memories for me surrounding the suicide of one of our students last year. I haven't been sleeping much because I just keep thinking about all of the lives these two deaths have impacted and how nothing can ever be the same.
I can beg my weight gain earlier this year to two major factors: 1. A ridiculously awful break up and 2. Ryan's suicide. I absolutely drowned my sorrows in food because, in the moment, it was more comforting than anything else.
After the wake tonight, I went to dinner with my parents, and then came home to my house. I wanted something chocolate, so I made a 25 calorie pack of hot chocolate. I wanted something sweet, so I ate a few Gerber yogurt snacks (don't judge! They're delicious!). Now, I have no physical hunger whatsoever, but boy, could I eat.
I see this as a huge sign of improvement -- the fact that I'm writing right now instead of being elbow deep in a half gallon of ice cream. I wouldn't have even hesitated before... I would have just binged. Even as I'm writing now, I feel the urge going away... which would make this, like, the second time I've ever successfully staved off a binge. It might seem small, but it feels like a MAJOR accomplishment to me!