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Am I insensitive?

Monday, October 25, 2010

I was talking to a friend of mine. She is in her late 30s. She is morbidly obese. She has been on high blood pressure medications for a long time. Last spring her blood pressure was extremely high. She had a new doctor due to a change in her insurance. This doctor was appalled. He gave her "the talk." I call it that because he/she says basically you are killing yourself. Her doctor put her on the Adkins Diet. At first she was reluctant but she did try it. She lost some weight and her blood pressure became stable.
Now she is back to her old ways. She is eating fast and processed food. She has no concern for her health. The kicker for me is that I have no sympathy. In fact it almost makes me angry. I really do not understand why I have this reaction. It just isn't the reaction to her plight but alos to others who aren't taking control of their health.
For example, I met a guy who seemed nice. But he has type 2 diabetes. He has had it for 5 years. He is not trying to diet or exercise. He said that his doctor has told him that he may have to go on insulin. I decided that I couldn't date him. I explained that I didn't think we had anything in common. He knew that I was trying to beat those demons once and for all. I just can't see myself with someone who cannot commit to themselves.
I now feel that maybe this negativity towards people that do not try to take control of their health is my bias. In my mind, I say I should be sensitive because I was once their shoes. But in the next thought I say but I am trying to do something to change that.

Anyone who reads this please give me your feedback. Am I being insenstive?
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I've heard it said that one of the functions of anger is to help us hold our boundaries. You've made your own health a priority and if you're anything like me I'm guessing that took some major doing. Perhaps the anger you feel toward people who have not "gotten it" the way you have is your own smart Self's way of protecting you and your commitment to the positive changes you are making. Because we are social creatures, and we naturally want to please those we care about. And change is fragile. Being around people who don't care about themselves the way you care about yourself puts YOUR health in danger, and the more time you spend with them, the greater the danger--hence the greater the anger. The highest, best, smartest part of you is telling you to get away from those so-called "friends" and seek out those who will support you on your journey to health.

    Congratulations!! And best of luck on your continued journey.

    My question for you is, so what if it is being insensitive? I know for myself that being OVER-sensitive has caused me to pack on a lot of weight, in a not-even unconscious effort to develop a thicker skin.

    WOW you have given me much food for thought!! Thanks!
    3854 days ago

    Comment edited on: 1/3/2011 11:14:05 PM
    I feel the same way often times about people who won't even try. I've always worked on my health/weight/fitness in some way, even if it is small or I failed and it didn't work too well at that time. I just do it again and again.
    3874 days ago
  • no profile photo CD4550505
    I would not call it insenstive. You are at the point in your life you are making a change, they are not there yet. Hopefully they will get there before it's too late.

    I have a friend who has had diabetes since she was 2 years old, she wears a pump. She also has M.S. She drinks like a sailor and smokes. I don't understand why she is doing this too herself. I only go out with her not once every 3-4 months.

    She was a high school friend, we found each other on Facebook last December.

    Good luck on your journey!! Keep up the amazing work!! emoticon
    3919 days ago
    You are expressing your inner feelings and frustration. Perhaps you feel this way now, but remember that most of us were somehow in the same shoes. Try to be supportive and encourage positive thinking for your friend. She may be dealing with a much deeper issue non-weight related.
    Have a heart-to-heart with her to remove some of the layers that she may be hiding behind.
    Hope this helps, soror!
    3922 days ago
    I saw that my original comment was waaaayyy long so I thought I'd change it. You're being honest with how you feel, but you're also seeking insight into why you feel this way. Put yourself in their shoes for a moment and see the struggles and battles you faced before you made up your mind to change. Someone along your journey in life possibly gave you that look, that conversation, turned away from you simply because they didn't see who you truly were.

    As for the man you left. As I've learned with my ex, subtle changes work best. He never liked to drink water but loved ice tea, made a pitcher of Crystal Light ice tea and put it in the fridge, he wasn't the wiser. Especially the fruit punch flavor. I eventually told him and he began requesting it. Instead of telling him to take vitamins for this or that I brought a bottle and gave it to him to try. Worked!!! Stopped frying all the time introduced him to other types of meals, enjoyed every last one of them. With a little effort you may have been able to salvage the relationship with a little subtleness. A date that included a walk at the park or beach after dinner/lunch/breakfast. Bowling, great exercise. Bike ride. You sharing how great you feel without making it a point to point the finger at him and what he should do.

    I think you want these folks to feel the joy and the better health that you're feeling and you want it so bad it bothers you. That's good but in their time. When they're ready - you be there to share your success and wealth of knowledge. Don't give up on them, don't turn your back just be there when their time comes.
    3923 days ago

    Comment edited on: 10/26/2010 3:33:09 PM
  • 41SUSAN14
    People make choices. Sometimes we have to respect them - even if they're not the choices we'd make.
    3924 days ago
    Well, I can see a little of where you are coming from. However, I am dealing with the same problem as you are with two of my friends and DH. It is hard trying to keep them motivated but I finally understand that it has to come from within them to want to be healthier. I do find that I have to watch myself commenting on their choices and things that they should be aware of the things that they are and are not doing. Even though I know they can do a whole lot better, they are still my friends because we are all not perfect and until they finally see what this unhealthy lifestyle is doing to them, I can only keep doing my thing and hope that I can be an inspiration for them. Hope this gives you food for thought.
    3924 days ago
    I think you are being insensitive. For someone who has a weight problem themselves should have some sort of sympathy for the overweight community. You have to remember how the people treated you while you were in their shoes, and make yourself a better person, physically and mentally. So, if you can not accept a 250 lb person for who they are inside and you have to cut them off until they lose 150 lbs, then, yes, you are doing more than being insensitive. I don't care how a person looks, it's what's in the heart emotionally that counts.
    3924 days ago
    We all have the desire to lose weight and get back in good health. But it becomes real when the desire becomes the DRIVING FORCE.

    Your heart goes out to each obese person you see. But the decision and want has to be theirs. All you can do is love 'em anyway. After all, hasn't somebody loved you anyway before you started losing?

    By your steadfast example, they may well find the driving force. I have relatives who have decided to lose weight as I am on SparkPeople. They won't actually say that it was my example, but I have a feeling. They will come to me and share as though they are required to report to me. LOL Whatever I am so glad they are doing something to help themselves.
    3924 days ago
    Each person has to want to make the change or they will not be able to do it.
    I have friends that have lost and gained the weight, and I still love them. I do get frustrated that I can not help them do it, but I do pray for them.
    3924 days ago
    Well for me...my hubby needs to lose about 100lbs. I expressed concern etc...but ultimately he has to want it for HIM. I can't fix him so I just worry about me....the difference is I am in LOVE with this man so I won't give up but I know he won't change until he is ready. Good luck.
    3924 days ago
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