Monday, October 18, 2010
It seems the only real way for me to beat my addiction to food is do some real self examination. I have known for years now that I use food to numb my emotions and anxiety. There is a big difference between knowing and doing something about it.
For a long time I didn't have the courage to deal with my pain and fears. So even though I knew what I was doing wasn't healthy, I still continued to eat. I would be full and I would still eat because even though my body was satiated my soul was not. I was empty inside with no self love to fill myself with I turned to food to find comfort.
Years of abuse and neglect as a child had taught me that I didn't deserve to come first, that my needs weren't important. I learned not to allow myself to feel emotions because emotions made me weak and I couldn't afford to be weak. So years later I am in a safe place, yet I still feel like the scared lonely girl who hid from who she was to save herself.
I put my husband first I changed who I am to fit who I thought he wanted me to be. So with every change I made for him a bit of who I was got lost. I didn't know how to allow myself to grow and be accepted. I was afraid to find out who I really was because I felt once he saw who I really was he would run screaming for the door.
Now I have the daily struggle of allowing myself to live without the fear of rejection and abandonment running my life. I have done this with the help of God, my family, and a great therapist who helps me to deal with the layers of band-aids I have plastered over the hole in my soul. The band-aids have served their purpose, they have kept the grime of life out until my heart and mind were ready to heal. We all know that band-aids may hurt when u first rip it off, but you need to remove it so ur wound can air out and heal.
I just want to take a moment and reflect on how much my life has changed over the years. I have met and lost many wonderful ppl, I have made mistakes after mistakes. Somehow God has kept me alive and sane enough to find my way through it all. Now instead of trying to make up for all that I lack. I look at the many blessings God has given me, and I finally exhale.