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Self examination

Monday, October 18, 2010

It seems the only real way for me to beat my addiction to food is do some real self examination. I have known for years now that I use food to numb my emotions and anxiety. There is a big difference between knowing and doing something about it.
For a long time I didn't have the courage to deal with my pain and fears. So even though I knew what I was doing wasn't healthy, I still continued to eat. I would be full and I would still eat because even though my body was satiated my soul was not. I was empty inside with no self love to fill myself with I turned to food to find comfort.
Years of abuse and neglect as a child had taught me that I didn't deserve to come first, that my needs weren't important. I learned not to allow myself to feel emotions because emotions made me weak and I couldn't afford to be weak. So years later I am in a safe place, yet I still feel like the scared lonely girl who hid from who she was to save herself.
I put my husband first I changed who I am to fit who I thought he wanted me to be. So with every change I made for him a bit of who I was got lost. I didn't know how to allow myself to grow and be accepted. I was afraid to find out who I really was because I felt once he saw who I really was he would run screaming for the door.
Now I have the daily struggle of allowing myself to live without the fear of rejection and abandonment running my life. I have done this with the help of God, my family, and a great therapist who helps me to deal with the layers of band-aids I have plastered over the hole in my soul. The band-aids have served their purpose, they have kept the grime of life out until my heart and mind were ready to heal. We all know that band-aids may hurt when u first rip it off, but you need to remove it so ur wound can air out and heal.
I just want to take a moment and reflect on how much my life has changed over the years. I have met and lost many wonderful ppl, I have made mistakes after mistakes. Somehow God has kept me alive and sane enough to find my way through it all. Now instead of trying to make up for all that I lack. I look at the many blessings God has given me, and I finally exhale.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • L*I*T*A*
    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    3896 days ago
  • CINDY-K
    May God continue to bless you as you work through all your food issues. Good luck.
    3897 days ago
  • ANITA012
    Know that you have many freinds and much support here at Spark...24/7!
    Remind yourself that you are on a path to "Healing" and with that, each day will get a little better.
    The fact that you recognize what you have been doing with food...which is what most people that are overweight do...is console themselves with it. It brings us comfort. Boy...I guess our world needs a lot of comforting when you look around, huh. We all do it.
    But now it's time to stop the madness and find a new path. A path that is fresh, new and healthy filled with happiness.
    I wish you the best on your new journey and please know...you are not alone!
    emoticon emoticon
    3897 days ago
  • GBOYD1
    I can so relate to this. Ive had a rough 4 years and FINALLY when I made the decision to get the band, my whole family was stunned, my husband was skeptical and me? well, I was excited!
    Best decision I have ever made for myself. I am finally putting myself first.

    Its costing me my marriage but you know what? I decided he was dead weight and keeping me down. Time to move on, keep on loosing the weight for ME and for my daughter.

    Best of luck to you and I still have my days like you do.
    3897 days ago
  • TREASURE_77
    Thank you for ur support and kind words. emoticon
    3897 days ago
  • ISLANDHOPPERLUV
    Whew, I have tears forming, I can relate too.
    3897 days ago
  • LUCKY13MOM
    My life is kind of similar so I can relate. Good luck to you! emoticon
    3897 days ago
  • MAR-TISH-A
    emoticon
    3897 days ago
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