Life is Stressful, I Need to be In Control
Saturday, October 16, 2010
There is so much that I want to blog about but I can't really put it all into words, or at least I can't articulate it all here and now. I feel like my WTF challenge stands for "What the Fail"..but.. that's such a failure way of thinking, right? I mean, I was sick for two weeks and the week before THAT I was on my period, so yeah, past 3 weeks have just been crappy for me in regards to sparking. Some of it was not my fault (the cold I had REALLY wiped me out and it lingered and lingered) but I'm sure I could have done a few things differently in that time. Like, I could have NOT eaten McD's or Taco Bell a few too many times in the past week or so. But man, those chicken sandwiches felt so GOOD on my throat when it was killing me. I know it's sad, but true! I ate soup a lot at home but yeah, every now and then I just wanted crappy food and I succumbed because when I'm sick I am weak. I am also tired and lazy when I am sick.
Sometimes, I just don't know what the hell I'm doing. I know what I want (to lose weight and to look really damn good physically) but I don't like exercising, I don't LIKE to sweat, I don't like all the effort you have to put into it. I hate all the aching my body goes through when I work out and I hate having to stretch it all out and I hate showering every single day, which I have to do if I work out. Right now, that's just how I feel, even though I KNOW the end result makes it all so worth the effort! I KNOW that I need to work my ass off in order to see the results, I do, I know that and I respect that. And usually, I'm okay with that. Right now, though, I am in a FUNK. And I am allowing myself to stay there. I haven't really and truly worked out since about May or June, outside of a little here, a little there. I know part of it is that I don't have a workout buddy, not that you NEED one of those, but if I did this would be a lot more fun. The house mate needs to get in shape, too. I should start being more forceful about him coming along on walks and working out to some Billy Blanks or Jillian Michaels.
And life just sort of sucks right now. I need a job. I need to finish school but I may not be able to afford it if I don't find a job. I need the house mate to find a job so we can continue to live in this house and pay our bills. We are dangerously close to running out of money that we have in our savings and that scares me. But, I don't really want to write about that because it's too personal and depressing. I've applied for work, he's applied, we can only hope to hear something soon! Hell, we're even applying for seasonal work for now. I want to continue attending school but I worry about being able to do that with a job and a kid, too. Thankfully, my course program is flexible and I can pretty much take classes during any two-hour blocks between 8 a.m. and 8 p.m., Monday through Thursday, so I should be able to swing a job and school and motherhood.
Thinking about that stuff just does a number on my mental state and I guess I've been stressing myself out, thinking about all of the stuff going wrong in my life (not knowing if you are going to be able to live in your home in 4 months is like walking a tightrope without a net!!!) and allowing myself to get wrapped up in that (my future weighs HEAVILY on my mind) and it paralyzes me and stops me from doing all of the right, healthy things in the meantime. Getting sick certainly did not help.
So, anyway, I know what I NEED to do, I just need to do it. I've got to take over and get out there and exercise and stop eating the crappy food because if I am in control of THAT, at least I'm in control of one thing, right? I can't let the stress control me and make me eat bad stuff or make me want to sit around being lazy. So, how can I do it? One thing I know I need to do is get a bunch of motivational quotes and put them all over the house where I can see them and REMIND myself of what I want to do, what I need to do and WHY and how! If something is out of sight, it tends to be out of mind after awhile with me. Gotta get a vision board finished, too. Get that sucker OUT of the closet and up on the wall!!!