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STEPH-KNEE
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Disappointed, accepting it, and moving on.

Saturday, October 16, 2010

So as I sit here at a weight of about 260, I could not be more disappointed in myself. Last year around this time I started doing what I needed to, and lost about 22 pounds. I hit a plateu, and hovered around the weight of 250 for a long time. Then what happened? No excuses, I got lazy. It was "work" to plan and cook my own meals. It was work to exercise when I get home from my 12 hour shift, but there is no excuse. Everyone here deals with these things, and despite obsticles, they are doing what they need to do.

I think I am most disappointed, because knowing that last year at this time I was taking this so seriously and doing pretty good... and if I had KEPT WITH IT, who knows where I'd be right now. That is so frustrating to realize I have let another year pass me by.

I tried to look at the bright side, and to be honest, there isn't REALLY one. But the ONLY thing I could think of... is this time last year I was at my all time high of 272. If I had never done *anything* or lost *any* amount of weight, I could very realistically be about 300 pounds right now. So I am trying to look at that. I am 12 pounds lighter then I was this time last year. To me, that is not an *accomplishment* of any sort, BUT if the alternative is weighing 12 pounds more, I will take it.

I just honestly wonder what is wrong with me. When there is something in my life that I want, I work to get it. I worked/saved up to buy the house I wanted, I worked really hard to train and get the job I wanted. I just have always worked towards things I've wanted, and I want to lose this weight MORE than anything. So why don't I do it? I just can't understand why I am so LAZY. Cause that is all it is, laziness.

I guess in a way, it's easier for me to be fat. It's easy for me to not exercise, it's easy for me to get fast food then prepare something healthy. But then I am starting to realize: It's NOT easy for me to: Find close that fit me. Walk up a flight of stairs. Bring the groceries inside without feeling like I've run a marathon. To feel good about myself because of my weight. To date/meet new people. All of those things are hard for me.

This site has given me ALL the tools I need. I don't know how many times I've said I'm gonna start again, I'm gonna get back to it, and I just don't. So I am disappointed in myself, but my pitty party has to end sometime and I will need to start moving in a positive direction.

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • CAZADORES
    Good for you for looking ahead. I was having this exact same discussion with a friend of mine not too long ago.

    I am going to suggest that you are not lazy. Quite the contrary, you are a resourceful go-getter type person who accomplishes we she sets out to do (job, house, etc).

    What changed for me was when I decided that I needed to be the top priority. I needed to believe that I really wanted it and was worth the effort. Of course, I have to keep reminding myself of this quite often.....remember you are worth it! You can do it! You ARE doing it!
    3904 days ago
  • STEPH-KNEE
    I want to thank you both for taking the time to reply to my blog.

    Saydee - You are so right about that, I am definitely a venter. I think for me, it doesn't even matter if someone is listening, but just "getting it out" tends to help me. You are right, I need to realize what happens *now* is what matters. :D

    Chicat, you are an amazing inspiration! I've seen your pictures and your progess, and you are just a huge inspiration to me. You are proof that it can be done if I just get down to it. And instead of just sitting here in awe of all you have accomplished, I think I will get up off my butt and work on joining you. :D
    3904 days ago
  • GRANDMABEAST63
    Ok, pity party over ! As you have said it is only one year, but getting back on your wellness journey will add years. You have the tools, support and all here on Sparks. You can do this Sista and we are here for you. Hugs.
    3904 days ago
  • SAYDEE7
    Sometimes we need to vent, get some sympathy or even empathy and then we can move on. Sometimes a little validation can do wonders. We have all yo yo'd and looked back an thought "Only IF" but it is what we do today that matters. The decisions you make now are what count. So here you are sharing your story, getting positive feed back and then you will be good to go and on your way to great success.

    We are all in the same boat and anytime you need an oar or a life jacket just holla! Take care.

    emoticon Saydee7
    3904 days ago
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