Disappointed, accepting it, and moving on.
Saturday, October 16, 2010
So as I sit here at a weight of about 260, I could not be more disappointed in myself. Last year around this time I started doing what I needed to, and lost about 22 pounds. I hit a plateu, and hovered around the weight of 250 for a long time. Then what happened? No excuses, I got lazy. It was "work" to plan and cook my own meals. It was work to exercise when I get home from my 12 hour shift, but there is no excuse. Everyone here deals with these things, and despite obsticles, they are doing what they need to do.
I think I am most disappointed, because knowing that last year at this time I was taking this so seriously and doing pretty good... and if I had KEPT WITH IT, who knows where I'd be right now. That is so frustrating to realize I have let another year pass me by.
I tried to look at the bright side, and to be honest, there isn't REALLY one. But the ONLY thing I could think of... is this time last year I was at my all time high of 272. If I had never done *anything* or lost *any* amount of weight, I could very realistically be about 300 pounds right now. So I am trying to look at that. I am 12 pounds lighter then I was this time last year. To me, that is not an *accomplishment* of any sort, BUT if the alternative is weighing 12 pounds more, I will take it.
I just honestly wonder what is wrong with me. When there is something in my life that I want, I work to get it. I worked/saved up to buy the house I wanted, I worked really hard to train and get the job I wanted. I just have always worked towards things I've wanted, and I want to lose this weight MORE than anything. So why don't I do it? I just can't understand why I am so LAZY. Cause that is all it is, laziness.
I guess in a way, it's easier for me to be fat. It's easy for me to not exercise, it's easy for me to get fast food then prepare something healthy. But then I am starting to realize: It's NOT easy for me to: Find close that fit me. Walk up a flight of stairs. Bring the groceries inside without feeling like I've run a marathon. To feel good about myself because of my weight. To date/meet new people. All of those things are hard for me.
This site has given me ALL the tools I need. I don't know how many times I've said I'm gonna start again, I'm gonna get back to it, and I just don't. So I am disappointed in myself, but my pitty party has to end sometime and I will need to start moving in a positive direction.