MCL Experiment - Week 2 and Scary/Annoying Changes
Monday, October 04, 2010
Now just because I admitted that I'm frustrated with the scale right now, doesn't mean I'm giving up on any of my goals, weight loss or otherwise. Yesterday I took a rest day and I didn't feel guilty about it at all. I did eat some pizza, but I ate healthy the rest of the day and accomplished some of the things I wanted to get done. I even got the Crustless Spinach Feta Quiche made as well as a double batch of Ranch Cheddar Turkey Burgers and a batch of Chocolate Pumpkin brownies too. The only thing I didn't quite get done was cleaning out the van...but I still have time to do that before I leave on Friday afternoon.
So I'm starting week 2 of this Midday Calorie Loading experiment and, I've decided, that if I'm going to be working out so much that I need to eat a little more, but only if I feel hungry for it. I'll allow myself 2000 calorie days without fretting because it will work at that range, I know it will. And I'll get where I want to go...eventually. I honestly don't know if I'll weigh myself much this week (though I must tomorrow morning for my BL challenge), and I haven't decided whether I'll be dragging my scale up with me to my Mom's, since I'll be at her house on my usual weigh-in day, or if I'll just leave it at home and weigh in Tuesday morning after I get back. Either way, I'm not stressing about it.
I'll admit it, the numbers are really getting to me right now, and I know it's because of this whole "350" thing. Those of you who have had the misfortune to get above 350 know what it's like to have that number as a weight-limit pounded into your head. Heck, many regular doctor scales don't go above this number, so you can't even face a dreaded weigh-in when you're above this number unless you order a "special" scale. And, let's face it, I'm sick of being special in that way. There are many avenues and endeavors in my life in which being called special is a compliment, but not here, not this way. So I want to smash that number to bits and I've been working pretty hard to do that (which is, ironically, likely the cause of my problem). I honestly thought I'd be at 348 by now, so to have that number be so elusive makes me feel like nothing is changing.
But you know what? There is a LOT changing. Some of it good, some not so good. Let me explain.
Yesterday at the football game, the sun decided to hide behind the clouds. Being October and with the usual fall weather setting in, it was cold sitting on metal bleachers during Ethan's football game (it was worse later when it started to rain cold pelting drops!). I had to wear three layers yesterday just to attempt to stay warm. A shirt and two hoodies, my jeans and socks would normally have been PLENTY to keep me warm...but not yesterday. I was still SOOOO cold! I've been warned that losing a bunch of weight will make you feel the cold quicker because your insulation is basically gone, but - people, I'm still 350 pounds! It scares me to think that this might get worse because already the cold affects my body much quicker than it ever used to. (Even Hubs has mentioned to me that I feel cold when it's not really all that cold. I sleep with 4 blankets on my side of the bed, while he just has a sheet and our down comforter. And I've gone from nightgowns to long sleeve and pant PJ's already...and it's only October!) I'm going to be an icicle at 250 and will be moving to the equator, the only place I'll be able to survive, when I hit goal weight.
Okay, this is going to sound completely strange but - how do you skinny people not hurt yourselves like ALL THE TIME? The other day I'm sitting in the van and I have to brake quickly and the seat belt pushes against my shoulder area, doing it's rightful job of keeping me in my seat and keeping me safe. But it HURT! Like I actually yelped in pain because the stupid strap of the seat belt hit my collarbone. (And seriously, who would have thought that I'd have visible collarbones at 350? See, the numbers just don't seem to fit the body anymore, unless you consider I'm carrying ALL my weight in my stomach and legs.) I nearly felt like I scraped my arm the other day when I brushed by my stupid collarbones. It was uncomfortable and strange and...well, quite painful.
Oh, and the whole sitting on bleachers thing? Yeah, no longer enjoyable AT ALL! How do you people not bruise your bones like constantly? (I actually asked my husband that and he laughed at "you people." I didn't find it amusing and said, "Yeah! YOU people! You SKINNY people! HOW?!") I have to sit in a certain way and, still, sitting for too long is uncomfortable because I can feel some of the bones in my butt! I remember having a boney-butt kid sit on my leg once, but I never imagined what it would feel like to be the one with the boney-butt. (And, let's remind you all, I'm still 350 pounds! HOW do I have a boney butt??? HOW!?)
Finally, and this one is the most difficult to discribe. My leg hurts lately. See, when you have a huge stomach, you lose your lap. Well, that's not true, it's still there - you're just using it to support your massive stomach. Lately I've been noticing the stomach gradually shrinking in an upward direction, which I completely love, BTW (it's the most hated part of my body), but it's caused strange issues with my lap. First of all, I look down and don't recognize my legs. They look super long and it freaks me out for a minute...I'm just not used to seeing THAT MUCH of my upper leg. I'm not even joking. It's like having an alien body you don't recognize any more, and, yes, there are times when I look down or look in the mirror and go, "What's that?" I seriously, honestly, 100% swear that there are times I don't recognize myself or parts of myself. I thought at one point I needed my eyes checked again. And the bone in my leg?! Painful! I don't know what's going on but when I'm driving sometimes, the bone in my thigh will hit, I don't know, something closer to my hip/pelvic bone?, and I feel this pressure like pushing two sticks together. It hurts! I tried rubbing it out, but it's not a muscle pain so it's not like I can massage it away.
Oh, and one last change for you - my clothes. I am 5'8. That's not exactly short at all and it's not too tall either. All my life I have bought average length pants and such. And I used to complain that shirt makers thought I wanted only belly shirts - WHY do they make them so short?! Yeah, turns out when you start to decrease in width, your clothes become LONGER. While this is great for all those "too short" shirts I used to avoid, for pants it has become a nightmare! I actually tripped on my own pant leg yesterday!! (Go ahead, laugh...I did.) The pants I'm wearing now are way too long and I've been forced to roll the waist to make sure I'm not constantly stepping on them. Seriously? Do you guys deal with this problem all the time? It's really friggin' annoying! I'd rather not look like a tool tripping over my own pant leg, thank you very much.
So, while some things are changing (and, yes, some of them are quite annoying), it feels strange to even mention them because - well - I'M STILL 350+ POUNDS! It doesn't make any logical sense to me that I would experience these type of things yet. In fact, I was so anxious for the day that I could come to you all and tell you some of the strange things I notice about being a skinny girl when I was always once fat, but I expected to have to wait another 2 years to be able to do that. I feel completely rediculous saying this stuff now because I feel like nobody could believe it from someone who STILL has so much to LOSE! But it's true. All of it.
The cold hard facts of an oddly-shaped 350 pound woman:
My body is mine, but sometimes it feels alien to me.
My bones HURT me!
I have skinny days all the time.
I feel light. I swear there are days I feel under 300 pounds, even though I know that I'm not.
My mind plays tricks on me when I pass a mirror. Is that really me?
I'm confused by several of the changes.
My arms look excellent, except for the now separated flabby part at the bottom.
I get these dimples - like the one in your neck? You know what I mean, don't you? I forgot women were supposed to have that!
I'm cold ALL THE TIME! (I'm currently wearing a sweater, a sweater hoodie, and a huge Myrtle Beach hoodie over that...and I'm still freezing!)
Finally - I'm worried. I'm honestly concerned. If it's already this bad, how bad is it going to get when more weight comes off? Am I in for a rude awakening once I hit lower milestones? 200-land? Under 250? One-derland? Goal weight? What are these going to look like? How will I feel? Maybe being skinny isn't everything I made it out to be. Maybe I was right to always be worried about losing all this weight.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not giving up. Fashion alone keeps me going! (Cute boots, pencil skirts - all these things I never got to wear but always felt were "me" make me want to strive to be there!) But I'm discovering that it's not all wonderful and that sometimes, the changes can surprise, and even scare, you. I'm sure I'll get used to it and stop tripping over my pants legs and stop brushing my arm past my ragged collarbone, and I'll start to eventually either appreciate or learn to live with, these things. Eventually.
One last note to leave you with. Yesterday I dropped my son off at his GF's house to "hang out." (Don't ask me, they're 11. I'm not too worried, she "breaks up" with him every other week.) As I'm leaving, I know that Hubs is getting P.O.ed because it's taken so long and we have pizza getting cold and Iron Man 2 to watch, so we need to get home. And I take off and sprint down the driveway (holding my boobage...I forgot how much sports bras meant to me until I tried to run without one on!) and I hop in the van and start down the driveway. All Hubs says to me? "BTW - you were running." Me: "Hrm?" Him: "You were running!" Me: "Yeah?" Him: "I haven't seen that in like...I don't know the last time I saw that." Me: "Well, I figured I can do it across the tennis court so, why not?" Him: "You were running."
*lol* I've decided to not stress too much over actually running routes and routines. For now, I'll work in some sprints here and there. Sprint from the car to the gym. Sprint from the house to the car. Eventually I'll work my way into longer distances, but for now, being able to sprint (okay, so it's really slow sprinting!) makes me happy.