Friday, September 24, 2010
How none of us want to think about losing our parents in death. For some reason we always push that back in our minds because we don't want to think about it. Eighteen years ago when I lost my Dad to Lung cancer I thought is was the hardest thing I had ever gone through but now with my Mom being sick I really feel like losing her is even harder.
It is all consuming I can not hardly thing of anything else except of course keeping Jehovah in my life and praying to him to keep me strong, clear headed, and to remember to breath. I find myself holding my breath all of the time.
I am not sleeping good and I keep my cell phone under my pillow at night so if the hospital calls I will hear it. Then I pray that they do not call me that they call my brother first since it takes me an hour to get there. Sad huh!! It is so strange the things you think when you are losing a loved one.
I hate alway talking about my Moms condition - how sad it is and how we would rather hear happy things not sad things. I know I have had those same thoughts at one time or another. But I have really learned a lot through all of this. The first thing is that we really do need our Brothers and Sisters to encourage us and to stand with us through difficult times. We can not do it on our own. So I will all ways be there for any of my brothers and sisters that need me. Second how much we need to rely on Jehovah for strength. Kind of stupid huh well sometime I thing we take that for granted and of course we need him but when you are going through some thing like this you realise how much you really do need him.
We can never get enough of his love and strength from our brothers and sisters, and Jehovah first and foremost. So we need to draw close to our brother and sisters so that when we need them they will be there for us in time of darkness. Jehovah the same way I have prayed so may times to him that at times I am not really sure what I am saying but I know I am asking him for strength to get through all of this.
My Mom was such a strong person even though she is 86 years old I never dreamed in a million years what has happened to her would. It is shocking. When I went to see her last might she knew I was there but I am not sure how much she understood. She would squeeze my hand, and move her head side to side but that is all I could get out of her. I cried my eyes out because I was not expecting to see her in that condition so fast. It is only been 3 months now since we knew something was wrong and they still are not sure what it is, they think it is a "motor nureon disorder". They had her hands tied down because she was trying to pull the tubes out again. It broke my heart to see her this way. I only hope she does not have to suffer for much longer.
Love to all