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When the warrior has to stop fighting & learn to make peace

Sunday, September 12, 2010

This isn't my typical blog post, I'll be honest about that right now. Normally, I like to blog about lessons I've learned and events or ideas I've gleaned on this journey which I think-- and hope-- will be applicable to others, like you, and help you on your journey. We're in this together and it's by sharing that we all do better.

I don't have anything to share right now though, I haven't for awhile which explains the dearth of blog entries of late. Okay, I've been very busy trying to do all the things in life I'm able to do now with this healthier me, such as getting my motorcycle license, learning Improv and continuing with music and my career as a performer. It's all good.

What hasn't been good is my health, and as of yet, I just don't know why. Even the Doctors are a bit stumped because they have all seen and been amazed by this "miraculous" transformation I've created. I eat very healthy, I'm active, I'm doing all the right things, and yet I'm constantly fatigued and bone weary. I've developed what appear to be very severe allergies, but to what we don't know. I've never had an allergy in my life, suddenly, I have days I wake up with my sinuses inflamed to the point it literally hurts to inhale, and sinus headaches that make me cringe even at the sound of a solo piano played softly. Any noise hurts...and for me to categorize music like Chopin as noise, well, that's just got no precedent.

The only thing we can find is that somehow my body is going through nutrients such as Vitamin D and Iron, and possibly some of the B vitamins, at rates that leave me in huge deficits. We've checked and rechecked everything from liver function to thyroid to, well you name it, and all that stuff comes back normal. I'm healthier than I've been in years, with my blood pressure, cholesterol and all that stuff well within healthy ranges.

Several months ago they had me start taking 50,000 units of vitamin D weekly for a month, then go to once a month; for a time that seemed like a magic bullet. Then I noticed fatigue creeping back, did some research and found iron might be culprit-- sure enough a few days of super iron rich foods and I'd feel better, like my old self. For a short time. That's the weird part of this, it's like my body just doesn't hold onto certain nutrients, and yet except for the Vitamin D, I don't test as 'too low' for them at random testing intervals. I'm not anemic. But once a month on 50K of Vitamin D wasn't working, my body was back to a significant deficiency by the 3rd week. So now I'm back on 50K weekly for a 2 months and then will try a daily dose from there on.

I notice that some days a supplement of B vitamins, or extra iron or other things will help in the short term. But not always, so is it a placebo effect? I just don't know. And I've never been one who's good at not knowing.

I can fight any monster, any horrible terrifying thing if I know what it is. I don't back down to things, I don't give up even when I really, really want to-- but I need to know what it is I'm fighting. I need to identify the enemy and plan an attack-- without a strategy, it's like throwing crap at a wall, in the dark, and hoping something sticks. And right now, it feels like it's just dark-- I don't even know if there's a wall out there to throw crap at nor if I actually have anything to fling. I'm just spinning around in the dark wondering why some days I have the energy to go for a long 2 hour walk and it's good for me, and other days I go for that same walk and will be in bed for two days after because of it.

I love using my bike to commute, however I'm having to be judicious in the things I agree to do because I know there are many days I simply cannot physically handle getting myself there, much less doing anything once I've arrived. And I'll be honest, I'm not good at being weak. I suck at it, weakness was something I was never allowed as a child and to this day, the hint of not being able to be independent and take care of everything -- and everyone -- all on my own can throw me into an unconscious panic. It's like a fear of death, I learned early be strong, don't need, don't expect help because it's all up to you. I still am awkward and lack grace in asking for help, it may take me the rest of my life to learn how to do it, or master the anxiety the asking can create.

But I'm hoping that by putting this out there it will help. Sometimes, just by getting things out in the light, refusing to let them remain hidden and linger in a malignant state of secrecy, new perspectives can arise. And perhaps someone else has been through this, or something similar and can offer ideas. You just never know, but you have to try. I guess that's my motto, I may do it all wrong, I may not get anywhere but I won't go down for lack of trying.

Thus, this learning the lesson of how to rest enough, to let go and take it easy and knowing when that is the right choice --and not the lazy one as my inner voice tries to tell me-- or worse, that giving up the struggle, the constant need to push forward is the equivalent of giving up and dying--well, that's not always true. But it's hard, I'll admit, to really know when is the time to take it easy and choose not to do any cardio or heavy work, and when it's time to push through the fatigue and the aching body and do it anyway. How do you learn that? How do you know? I wish I had more answers but all I seem to have these days are questions. Questions that lead to more questions.

Thanks for reading me. I'm sorry if it seemed I dumped a lot on you. I suppose it's good that people sometimes see that I do struggle, that even I who often, I've been told seem to be so confident and in control, can find a place where I am just as lost as anyone else. We all have those times. The ones who succeed just don't let themselves get stuck here. This way, when it's you maybe it will help you keep going. I hope so. Knowing you're there helps me keep going. Truly. So thank you.

Love to you all

Copyright©2010 cassandra kelly. All rights reserved.

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Ugh..you are where I dread ever having to be: dealing with a body that seems to be betraying me! My heart and admiration goes out to anyone managing to deal with a chronic, debilitating condition for which there are no readily apparent solutions. There is a special kind of strength it takes to deal with this!

    I think your wisdom shone through in pressing on to writing and sharing about this. There is something about putting down in writing all the rat's nest of tangled, snarled thoughts that can help one clear your mind. Plus we learn from your experience and hey! One never knows when through the network of our SparkFamily an idea may surface through the networking process that can make a difference!

    Looking forward to hearing whatever you can share about your struggles, warts & all! I'm certain we (including yourself!) will all benefit!

    3900 days ago
    Wow. I don't know about laying a lot on US, but it sounds like there is a lot on YOU right now. I wish I had some sort of medical opinion to offer, but I'm no House. So all I can really offer is understanding, and maybe a little compassion. I hope you can get better and enjoy the energy level that you have earned by becoming your new self - and deserve anyway. Please keep us up to date, and no feeling bad for doing so. We - your sparkfriends - will be here for you.

    3900 days ago
    Cassandra, please allow me to quote something my dad used to tell newly widowed people. "Don't let your friends "should" on you, or your family and especially don't should on yourself."
    Next, have you been checked for depression ... are you on any meds that may need to be changed or adjusted.
    Further: quit beating your self. You are not required to be perfect. Take those tasks that seem overwhelming and whittle them down to something manageable.
    3900 days ago
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