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Monday, August 30, 2010

Confession #1:
I want to run. I want to say that I'm a runner, but more importantly, I want that feeling of running. I was never much of a runner because I was always told that fat girls shouldn't run. Had Spark been in my life when I was about 15 I would've told people to F-off and would have run anyways, but it wasn't, and I didn't. No going back. Now that I'm getting in better shape, I still have this almost heartsick urge to run. Nearly every day this thought plagues me.

Oh, I can hear you all now. "So you want to run? Then run! Stop with the excuses!" But since my knee surgery when I was about 16, and the following additional weight added to my joints, my left knee is absolute crap. I have tried to run (and loved every second of it!) but it's always followed by one of my knee-popping incidents. And I hear the same thing over and over - don't run. *sigh* I'm so SICK of hearing that I shouldn't run.

What I want to hear is that I CAN run. I want to hear how to fix the problem. I want to hear that there IS a way to build the strength in my knee so I can run again. I want to hear how you can wrap a HUGE knee so that you add stability, without the wraps rolling up and 1) being completely ineffective and 2) causing pain and rubbing to the back of my knee. I want to know in some sciency way how I can get around this problem and achieve my heart's desire...to run.

Don't get me wrong, I don't want to run super-fast sprints. I don't even need to run fast. "Wogging," as some call it, is quite fine with me. But I WANT to run. Do you know that I have this distinct fear that I will be in a bad situation one day and won't be able to run away? How crazy is that? But I still think about it. I had hoped that once my 10k training was done I could start the C25k program and PERHAPS run my 5k in mid-October...even if I was really slow! But still, I don't know how to work my way around the knee...and my choices are to 1) go for it anyway and risk injury or 2) resign myself to walking for now, or possibly - forever!

Confession #2:
Sometimes I wonder - How sore am I supposed to feel? Is this enough? I've read a million fitness articles in my day. A million and one, probably. And all of them talk about that good sore. I know the difference between the two (good sore/bad sore) thanks to last week, but now I'm struggling with - how much do I do on sore muscles?

And this foot thing...the new skin that hurts a bit. How much time does that need to heal? Will I be ready for Saturday? What do I cover it with? What do I do if it starts bleeding again? Do I risk having to have my friggin' foot amputated if I push too hard? (Yeah, I'm weird and do actually think these things.) Can you put moleskin over new skin or would that be a bad idea?

Let me explain, the old skin that was removed was tough skin that I could easily say was an inch thick (because I have hardly any visual interpretation of actual measurements *lol*)! What I really mean is that there is a small "dent" in my foot now between the old tough skin and the new skin. What the crap? Will this level out or will I always have this strange hole in my foot? *sigh* I'm confused.

Confession #3:
I keep my real life and my Spark life separate. Don't get me wrong, I love meeting Sparkies IRL, and I hope to do more of it. But many of my IRL people just can't take the amount of honesty I have vowed to keep here on Spark.

Today, I broke this rule. I invited a friend from school to Spark. She started running this summer and has worked herself up to 5-6 miles! She's trying to lose weight, she admitted today, and so I sent her a message on FB and invited her over here. No clue if she'll take the opportunity, but I put it out there. I broke my rule and let my real life bleed into Spark a bit. (Except for my Momma, who I told immediately because I can trust her with just about anything! *lol*)

Do you guys do this too?
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I'm sorry to hear about your knee! Of course, I'm all sorts of hypo paranoid so if my docks says don't run, i'm lucky if I'll walk! But I would just ask about strength moves for the knee and try to build it up to Run ready! YOU WILL RUN! Just make sure you aren't doing damage trying to get there.
    As far as RL vs. Spark.. I tried it. It failed. My best friend is unhealthily obese. It breaks my heart. She is in my wedding in a few weeks and we had to go to the davids bridal several times because none of the dresses fit. We ended up buying 2 and having a seamstress use the second to add to the first. 2 years ago when I first started spark, I invited her. She tried a little for about a month, even bought an elliptical, which is now a clothes rack. She knows I am active on the sight again and have lost nearly 20lbs, but she says it's just too hard and I know better than to push her. So knowing this now, I am glad she is not on the site because I would have guilt issues with my success. Sorry for the long story there!
    HOWEVER, I would LOVE LOVE LOVE to meet fellow sparkies in real life. I need people who are aware of their health in my life, because unfortunately no amount of me trying to spark others has worked out.
    3904 days ago
    emoticon I pretty much keep Spark separate from all but my close friends. But then, I'm kind of a hermit a lot and will go long streaks without seeing many people. One of my best friends is a Sparker though. She's why I'm on here, so I can't say I keep quiet about it on purpose.
    You tried talking to a physical therapist that specializes in sports injuries? I know doing ST to strengthen the knee will help, but a specialist whose had to rehab a lot of athletes might have some tricks up their sleeve.
    3904 days ago
    These are probably dumb questions, but for confession 1 & 2, have you talked to your doctor about your concerns? Your doctor should be your best reference for the answers you seek - hopefully you have a doctor you like and trust. Or, if not the doctor, maybe a nurse at the office is someone you can talk to? When I have questions, and the doctor is busy, I usually talk to one or two nurses in the office, they are very helpful and nice (and will let you know if they need to refer the question to the doctor to answer). They are just a phone call away, no need to even go in the office...

    For confession 3, with the exception of my husband and one friend, I have kept my personal life separate from SP. Once I feel confident enough in myself and that I will be sticking with this new way of life, only then will I share SP with others that I feel would benefit from this awesome-ness. I just want to be totally honest on this site too and I am afraid/have esteem issues that I need to deal with before allowing my real life in...
    3904 days ago
    Oh yeah, I totally do that. I try to keep Sparkworld and real world separate. In fact, I struggle with wanting to put my page on private a lot because I don't necessarily want my boss or some other random IRL person to stumble across my page and see how much I weigh or what I ate today....that and the stuff that I put in my blogs too. I guess that I am being a hyporcite though b/c it IS the web afterall, right? Ugh.

    Re: Being sore...I think that unless you are in a ton of pain that you are probably the right amount of sore. It's obviously hard for me to tell, not being you and all, LOL.

    Re: Running. All I can offer here is to take it slow and easy. Your endurance will build, but please don't push it. I don't care if you are big or small, if you push yourself too quickly you will get injured. It sounds like you have a good grasp on this, but are getting antsy and want to kick it up a notch. Keep it slow and keep it calm. It will only help you in the end.

    3904 days ago
    Do you know about Karvey's Running While Chunky team? They can help with a lot of your running questions, I'm sure. Don't give up! When I first started, I was having trouble with my knees, but I made a concentrated effort to do ST on my legs, particularly quads, hamstrings, and calves, and I think that helped. Start with walking and take all the time you need to work up!

    As for keeping real life separate from Spark, I have 3 friends on here, and sometimes it's not easy to be as honest as I want because it would be nice to have complete anonymity. On the other hand, I've started adding Spark friends on my Facebook page, and it is nice to get to know people a little better, and have extra support and accountability!

    Good luck!
    3904 days ago
  • no profile photo CD6721736
    I know exactly what you mean. I had knee surgury on my right knee and have sprained my left knee and was always told I should run..and I wantedd to run so bad! I would have dreams where I was running and I was so happy I was just chilling running and then I would wake up and be like oh crap..I really cant. Then one day my husband invited me to go to the track with him and I ran a half a mile...which was more then I have ever ran in my life!! When I saw that I could do that..I knew I could do whatever I put my mind to. Don't get me wrong...my knee kills me every single time...but it gets better after the first half mile...Remember your mind is stronger then your body....if you tell yourself you can..you will!!!
    3904 days ago
    I hear you when you say you almost have a heartsick urge to run....I felt the same. I wanted to say I'm a runner and I am, but just not in the traditional sense right now. I don't run for miles straight....for me I only run for a minute at a time then walk for a minute, but am working my way up to becoming a runner. Sorry to hear about your knee, I wish I had some advise to offer you.

    As for keeping your real life and spark life separate...I'm the same way. Its not that I don't want to spread the spark....I do but just not with my real life friends because...well like you I'm not sure how some of them would take my honesty (more for me my rants...lol). I do and have spread the spark with acquaintances (not buddy buddy friends) who are looking to loose weight and have asked advise from me because they see that I have lost some weight. But most of my real life friends I don't talk about it too much with them. Sure I've told them that I'm on Sparkpeople and that I love it, but haven't said hey why don't you join.

    Good luck on your journey and I hope that someday you can say you're a runner too.
    3904 days ago
    All I have for you is hugs!
    3904 days ago
    we are so alike AND so different...
    knees/running has already been well-addressed...
    and i think the neosporin/bandaid/open air is the best blister advice...

    IRL to SPARK? i think if you would be muffled in your expression with bringing RL people to this site, DON'T do it...
    i've thought about it myself, but i've talked up SPARK to anyone either asking about my progress or needing support...those trying to quit smoking because they know the pounds may creep up(or PILE on emoticon )with this new endeavor and a friend who is not working and her pounds have come on(she used to be one of the committed-to-exercise-type people)...and i HAVE been hesitant that they might read my OPEN blogs, but this has helped SO much, that i won't let that stifle me...

    and, one other thing...i think you've talked about bicycling and, to me, bicycling is THE best...i loved it when i was 148# and i lOOk forward to outdoor cycling in a couple of 'decades' of lost pounds hopefully in the near future...i love the challenges of the hills and the FUN of the coasting down those same hills...it automatically makes me smile...TO ME, i would get more endorphins than ANY day of running except when it was in a game(i loved basketball, but i was never FAST, but it was fun) ...i would TOTALLY suggest to get a specialist to suggest some exercises for rebuilding/strengthening all of the surrounding muscles to keep them from popping...and be SURE you do them with proper form...i wish you the best in that endeavor as the wind in your hair IS exhilarating ... emoticon or emoticon keep at it!!! emoticon
    3905 days ago
  • BECKYB73
    In regards to your knee, what was the nature of the injury that required surgery? I have been concentrating on strengthening my knees, because I have an injury from two years ago that sometimes feels vulnerable.

    I do step ups, lunges, leg presses and squats primarily. The step-ups are probably the hardest/best. My physical therapist who helped me rehab after my fall, told me that the best way to recover and stabilize a bad knee is to strengthen the muscles above and below it. So that's what I do.

    I showed a big dog yesterday, which required a bit of jogging and had no knee problems at all. So something is working. Another big part of strengthening your knee is that you have to stop listening to the voice of fear and doubt that tells you that you can't. Once you get out of your head some really awesome progress can be made.
    3905 days ago
  • NICA131
    I have to agree with the water jogging/walking/wogging for your knee, low impact, and works better than one would think. The knee must be strong for it to "run". I used to be a runner (many many many moons and pounds ago), blew out my knee and gave it up because I couldn't get back fast enough. Ended up doing more damage than the "rush" was worth. I am just now starting to try to get back into the running swing but it is a struggle each and every day. Go slow ..... the tortoise always wins in the end.

    I keep RL & Spark far away from each other. I made that mistake on a different site and some how my RL friend turned into my internet stalker, it was creepy. So never again
    3905 days ago

    Comment edited on: 8/30/2010 5:10:51 PM
  • no profile photo CD375712
    I dearly love and need your honesty!!

    On Confession #1 - hang in there. I think sometimes in life we have desires that we cannot necessarily act on right away. Your desire to run does not match your current body and abilities - BUT you are basically training for it anyway. I think you just need to hang in there for the long haul and your knee will get stronger, your body will continue to shrink and then you will run with much more benefit and less discomfort. Channel your passion and pace yourself!

    Confession #2 - sore is good, but driving yourself beyond it is not good. I think because we all interpret pain differently you'll need to experiment with this and see what works and what doesn't work. If you are really sore then your muscles are holding water from being injured and that won't be a happy thing on the scale! As for the hole in your foot... it took a while to build up that tough skin, so it may take a while for the hole to fill back in! Yowza...

    Confession #3 - YES, I totally separate my "real" life from Spark!! My family is not a safe, trustworthy group and I need Spark to be my safe place. I am really ME here, but I do not want my IRL friends to know how much I weigh, how hard I'm working to weigh less, etc. If I need to think out loud or emotionally bleed, I come here! You lucky people, you...

    Every time I read one of your blogs I just want to hug you and say thank you, thank you, thank you!!!

    3905 days ago
    I know what you mean about running. My knees are SHOT (surgery last year - I love my surgeon with all my heart for the miracles his hands can create). I love to run.

    I would talk to a doctor of sports medicine. My doc knows I'm really active, so he specifically taught me exercises to strengthen my legs in a way that would support my knees and give me what I needed to keep active. And they work.

    I don't invite non-Spark people to Spark, either, by the way. In a way, I feel bad about it because some people I know should hear what is being said here. But it's those same people who encourage me to do things I know I shouldn't "just this once" or "it's vacation so it doesn't count" etc. So... I keep my efforts to myself. Just works better for me that way.
    3905 days ago
  • no profile photo NEWYORKORCHIDS
    My husband knows about Spark and that's it. Selfishly, I feel like it's my little haven and I don't want anyone else to know I'm apart of it.

    I don't know about the skin.

    I try to be a runner all of the time, but my knee injuries and back issues don't always like me for it. I'll let you know if I conquer them.

    Oh! And, for the last set of confessions: I was really, really, really hoping that after this weekend's shopping spree, that SOMEONE IN MY EFFING OFFICE would notice I've lost weight - because I previously decided that it's because I was wearing the same clothes that they didn't notice...did they notice? Nope. Not a one. There's 3 other people in my office today and I talked to all of them face to face, standing in front of them and even mentioned shopping...no one said anything. People are stupid.

    I lob you though.
    3905 days ago
    I am with you on the running.. When I started my journey at 310, and I had lost my initial 5 pounds... while walking I would get this urge to take off running... and I did a few times.. I realized very soon that I couldn't do much at all. And, my body reacted in a bad way.. My shoes weren't the correct supportive kind... and I decided to walk more before I tried to run. After about 15 more pounds, I decided to try again, and for a whole solid week I did running and walking intervals.. I LOVED IT!!! Then that weekend.. my knees went crazy and kept giving out on me... I decided to go back tow walking, and choosing a few days a week to run.. fast forward to this past weekend.. I was running my heart out, and It felt amazing... mind you, I am 38 pounds lighter, but that makes a huge difference to your body...

    If you have knee problems.. I would say wait until you are light enough that you dr says its okay.. that is a lot of stress on your knee... The last thing you want is to injure it bad enough to put you out of commission and lose your ability to move and work out...

    About blending the real life with the online.... I encourage everyone I speak with who is interested in losing weight or getting active to join... they don't have to add you in order to get the benefits... spread the spark!!!! You are doing amazing, and I am so proud of you..
    3905 days ago
    Oh my gosh. These confessions are wonderful. I feel the saaaame way. I understand completely about the running thing. I, too, want to be a runner. I am slowly working my way up there and I am doing pretty well, but it has taken me a very long time to be able to run without walking, and I can't imagine how hard it is for you with a knee like that. Have you tried talking to specialists? Or your doctor even? I HATE it when people tell me I can't do something. It just makes me want to prove them wrong.

    As for the soreness thing... I find that I have been working out pretty aggressively since January and I don't remember a day when I wasn't sore.... I can never understand how people on weight loss shows never talk about the PAIN! I am in constant soreness, and it doesn't always feel good! I know "Pain is weakness leaving the body, blah, blah, blah" but honestly, some days I would just like to be able to get out of bed without feeling like my legs were going to fall off.

    I have found that the only thing that helps with the muscle soreness is more exercise. It sounds ridiculous, but honestly, when I'm working out, I don't notice it anymore. The only time I'm pain free is when I'm creating more pain lol!!! Be proud of your sore muscles, that means that what you are doing is WORKING!

    I have been grappling with letting my IRL friends onto SP as well... I just recently have 3 very, very close people in my life who have joined spark as well and I don't know how I feel about them knowing this much about me. I feel like us Sparkies have an intense bond and can share so much about ourselves BECAUSE we are semi-anonymous. We can be completely honest about our feelings and fears because there is always someone out there that is going through the SAME thing. We speak to each other, we have all been in the same position and we are insanely supportive because we are all going through the same hard journey.

    So letting in people whom we have known in person know the deepest, darkest parts of ourselves it HARD.

    Whew! This comment is crazy long, sorry if I am going on too long! Just know that you aren't alone in any of the things you are feeling and if you ever need to talk, I'm always here!!!!!
    3905 days ago
    I have a really tough time mixing Spark and RL. The only points I haven't earned on my start-up page are for linking my Spark and Facebook accounts...won't do it. I really feel like I need my privacy here on Spark until everyone in the world knows I'm losing weight because they can see it anyway - then my decision might change, but I don't think it will. I don't appreciate when people get all "up in my grill" about losing weight, so I'll probably keep it quiet. I get the attention I need here on Spark from fellow warriors, and that's enough for me.

    Maybe you can "wog" on the elliptical?? Would that hurt your knee? Sort of the same feeling as running but easier on the joints. Just a thought.

    And the foot will heal. You'll grow new callouses. I have to tell the pedicure people not to shave mine down so that I can keep that tough skin. Otherwise, the first time I run or walk after getting my feet done, I get new blisters. Ugh. I'd use moleskin - but don't build it up too much or it will give your foot something else to rub on and you'll get another blister inside the blister - and that's the WORST.
    3905 days ago
    Confession 1: My heart bleeds for you :( The only thing I can recommend is to do some pool jogging to build up strength. As you continue to lose weight (and you will!!) running will be easier for you. Does your gym have any zero-impact trainers? They're not quite ellipiticals, but they're great for that 'running motion' without the stress on your joints.. I wish I remembered the name of them.

    Confession 2: okay, ick. LOL! I know what you mean... usually when I get a blister, I'll take a needle and poke the dead skin to drain the pus but leave the dead skin there to protect the raw/new skin underneath. In your situation, I'd say treat it like a cut. If you're going to be out and about, put a little bit of neosporin on, cover with a bandaide and wear socks. Give it plenty of "open air" time though--that's what's going to help the new skin heal and build up more defense (if that makes sense)

    Confession 3: The only "real life" people who are also on spark people were spark people first. They started as fitness buddies and turned out to be real friends.

    There are people in my real life who know that I "get sparky" but they let it be "my thing" and they're happy for me but have no reason to read my blogs or keep up. They prefer I share my weight loss journey with them verbally. One cool thing about being open and honest about weight loss with people in real life, though, is that they'll help you to succeed. My boyfriend bought me running shoes for our anniversary. My boss told me today that she was ordering bagels for tomorrow and wanted to know if I had a special request. My Grandma tells me exactly what she's putting into dinner so that I can track it easily. So, although these people aren't on my spark page, they're aware of the changes I'm trying to make and they're fully supportive.

    I invited a co-worker to spark once and she fizzled out. There's another co-worker that was on spark before I was and I never even knew she was on here. We've never added each other on our pages.

    So, I don't know if that answers your question, but I hope it helps.
    3905 days ago
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