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The Every Day Struggles

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Yesterday was rough. Like super hard. Like beat your head against the wall and not care what happens hard. Okay, well not all of yesterday, but the evening workout anyway.

Truth is, I was tired. T-I-R-E-D. I yawned through my 10-hour work shift and could tell my body was craving more fuel throughout the day than normal. (It was trying to keep me going, trying to stay awake!) And even though my physical body was tired, my mind and spirit were wired and focused. With all the wonderful compliments I've been getting lately, here and "in the real world," it's hard to say sleep. It's hard not to keep pushing, even through the blah of tired. So at 5:55pm I changed into my gym clothes and 5 minutes later was headed out the door for home...I mean the gym.

There was no internal mental struggle to go to the gym. It's become such a habit that I don't even think about it. Go to work, go to the gym, go home. Nothing much changes from day to day (except weekends, of course). I got there, tied my laces up and headed upstairs for the treadmill. I had to wait a few minutes for the RIGHT treadmill (yes, I have a favorite treadmill *lol*) but I simply did a couple laps around the indoor track until I saw Sweaty Runner Boy get off.

I got on (and tried to avoid the mass amounts of boy sweat he left behind - EWW!) and settled in for a good 3 mile walk, as scheduled in my training for the week...and then 2 and a half minutes in (I kid you not) I was begging for mercy. I was tired. I didn't want to do it. My legs were moving and I felt physically fine, but I was just DONE for the night. And that's when the hard work started.

I have these mental battles with myself that usually go something like this:

emoticon Screw this! I'm too tired!
emoticon What the crap? Come on! You're not "tired," that's just an excuse.
emoticon Maybe...but so what? I've worked so hard, don't I deserve a break?
emoticon Sure you do! And you'll get one...on Sunday.
emoticon But I'm sick of walking, and I think my blister hurts.
emoticon Are you kidding me? Really?? Uh-oh.
emoticon Hey, wait! No it is not! It's uncomfortable, yes...but it's not hurting. You can still walk on it and just keep a mental eye on how it's doing.
emoticon But I just don't want to...*pout*
emoticon I know you don't. Sometimes walking is boring...and you forgot your book at home. I'll make you a deal though...
emoticon A deal? Ooh...what is it?
emoticon Don't think about 3 miles anymore. It's really okay if you can't do it today...you ARE tired. But just go as long as you can.
emoticon Okay...I guess that's alright...
*1.67 miles in*
emoticon OMG! It's SOOO hard! Why is it so hard?
emoticon Let's not think about "hard," let's figure out how to get through this for just a LITTLE bit longer, okay? I mean, you are halfway there already!
emoticon Yeah. Okay...you're right. So I guess when this thing cycles through the scan feature it equals about 2 one-hundredths of a mile.
emoticon That's good! Now let's just focus on getting to 1.69 then.
emoticon 1.69....1.69....1.69....169...
169...169... Phew! There it is! Okay, let's get to 1.71 then.
emoticon You can do this! Just get to 2 miles...that's all I ask of you today!
emoticon Okay. Two miles. Yes. I can do that!
*2 miles in*
emoticon Good job! Can you do any more?
emoticon emoticon Yes...

3 miles and 59 minutes...my legs were definitely worked out and while I still didn't feel great about the walk, I had done it. I could give myself a sticker later. And even though I knew I was supposed to row for 15 minutes after, I knew my body couldn't do it. I went through the same reasoning and realized it was a reason, not an excuse. So I opted out of rowing for the day and figured I'd either try to squeeze it in later this week, or I would just be happy with my 3 miles for the day. And because I knew it was ST night, and I didn't really want to do that either, I used my every-ready excuse-repellant:

If you don't do it tonight, you're just going to have to do it tomorrow...which will make your next day Saturday...the day of your 5 miles. Do you REALLY want to come to the gym after your 5 miler to do ST?....Uhm, no.

So I finished out with 60 crunches with the 4lb medicine ball and a full round of ST. And then I went home and ate and spent the rest of the night feeling strong, but still very tired.

I'm still very scared about my 5 miles on Saturday. I have to get up very early to do it because Ethan has a scrimmage all day in Parkersburg that day (still not sure of the time, but probably sometime after 11am at least), and because I can't complete this at the gym. The treadmills are set up for 60 minutes, because they don't want people hogging them for any longer than that...and I don't blame them! I would hate to see someone hogging MY treadmill for an hour and a half! Plus, I figure it's better for me to train for this road race by doing my long Saturday walks on...well, the road. (DUH!) I think the hills just about killed me last Saturday because I hadn't walked outside for a while.

So the plan is to map out the route using Spark's map route feature, and then check the satellite image so I can get an idea of where I should stop and turn around. I'm going to avoid the two major hills by the house, but other than that, it's on like Donkey Kong. I've decided that I will time myself only to see how long it took me, but I will not push myself to go super fast. The goal is endurance on Saturday, so I will simply remind myself to endure. If I need a break, I will take it. I will take some extra water with me to make sure I stay hydrated, and I will make sure that by the end of the 5 miles I can tell Hubs and the boys, "Mommy did it!"

Onwards and downwards (on the scale)!
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Hahaha, that's EXACTLY how I do it!!

    -Okay Vanessa, 40 minutes.

    -Ugh, 15 in...and I'm soooo tired!!

    -Okay, okay, do 25...and then try a different machine!

    -Hm...deals, huh? How about 20, and then TWO different machines??

    And the workout gets done :)

    3917 days ago
    Boy can I relate to the emotions of working out! Just a little more, I have to tell myself that all the time.
    3919 days ago
  • no profile photo CD7990161
    Way to push through it emoticon emoticon

    I have to tell that nagging voice to shut up so I can finish my workout quite a lot emoticon

    And thank you so much for your compliment!
    3919 days ago
    Way to push yourself!! I know you'll do GREAT for your 5 mile on Saturday :)
    3919 days ago
    AWESOME that you kept going! It just goes to show you that this is SUCH a mental struggle more than anything else. You should be so incredibly proud of yourself for accomplishing what many people fail at.

    Have a wonderful walk outside! I find that I prefer running outside compared to the treadmill. The treadmill is so boring! (And it cheats you! It propels you along! Grrrrrr.) The more you walk outside, the stronger you will be! Then the days you have to use the treadmill, it will seem like a breeze!

    3919 days ago
    I felt the same way yesterday. I didn't want to do anything. I am in the bootcamp challenge so I told myself I cannot skip my work out. I toned down my cardio for the day, but still did my 100 crunches and the bootcamp video. I am still feeling kinda tired today. I think it's just that this is only the first week of working out everyday and my body is not used to it. As I was doing my crunches yesterday I was telling myself "You can do it... You can do it". I made it through.
    3919 days ago
    emoticon and it will be awesome, you are preparing yourself for it !!!!
    3919 days ago
    Congrats on sticking to it!
    3919 days ago
    OMG! I can so relate. I have similar mental struggles with myself when I'm really tired and I'm working out.

    But the important thing is that you got it done. You should be really proud of yourself. Keep up your amazing work!
    3919 days ago
    Way to go!! fighting those internal voices is difficult! I have those ALL THE TIME, I guess it's part of our personal journey to just change the way we think or not just give in to the temptation to quit. You kicked BUTT girl!!! =)
    3919 days ago
    don't forget to take the time to exercise and strengthen your motivation and determination. those are muscle groups too and you dont want them burnt out. Take the time to keep your motivation strong BEFORE it's starts taking a nosedive.

    Blogging the way you do, which I love, is a great way. I am soooooooooo proud of you fighting for it. You fight every day!
    3919 days ago
  • no profile photo CD8054794
    We have soooo much in common, that it is funny reading your blog. I to, like music, I can actually hear the words to and sing with.

    I love to write, which I am currently playing around with freelance writing.

    And as far as getting healthy goes....this time is it.

    keep it up, you're on top of the world!

    Amilie emoticon
    3919 days ago
    Okay...first of all...we all hear those darn voices. Yep...I said it...the voices. Ha!

    I also wanted to say that you are still a bad ass for getting in the 3 miles, abs, and ST...so be sure to pat yourself on the back for that.

    I'm sure you will be recharged in time for the 5 miler.

    Loving your blogs!

    3919 days ago
    3919 days ago
    I love it! The internal dialogue on the treadmill - I don't always enjoy it myself unless I get one with a TV so I can watch Comedy Central.

    But yes - you got through more than you thought you could when you started. And you have proven over and over how strong you are. 5 miles on Saturday? Shoot - makes me feel like a slacker. You totally have it, Esther. You know how to challenge yourself, and I can't wait to here how your weekend goes. emoticon

    Thanks again too for all the support.

    Ciao Chica,
    Maria emoticon
    3919 days ago
  • DLEE27
    3919 days ago
    Great blog!!! I think I go through the same process lately- just plain tired-in fact I have a 4 mile run to day and was going through the process and I almost had talked myself out of doing it- but you have inspired me to at least get out there and walk it if I feel too tired to run it.

    Thanks!!!! Have a great day and I hope for both our sakes this extreme tiredness goes away soon!!! emoticon
    3919 days ago
    your awsome... i love reading everything your write i think its becasue i can relate! Its awsome that you stuck it out and still went. YOu def have will power and self control!


    tel me how things go on saturday!
    3919 days ago
  • KIMMAS82
    I had to laugh!! I had the same talk with myself on the treadmill last night!!! And because I totally hogged a treadmill last night for 88 minutes to complete my run!! It was WAY too hot outside to do it and it had to be one!! Luckily nobody works out in the evening at the gym in my office building so nobody was waiting for me to get off that machine!!!
    3919 days ago
  • ERIN4771
    i am loving your blog entries!!! it's nice to be able to relate to someone else who struggles, and goes thru the "mental talks" as well to power thru a workout.....keep up being the inspiring person you are!!!
    3919 days ago
  • _TRIXIE_
    Way to keep pushing through and kicking the excuses to the curb. Extra bonus points for doing ST after the walk, too! Best of luck Sat with the 5 miles! You can do it!
    3919 days ago
    I need you to come talk me through my workouts! I haven't worked out or stayed under on my calories since Sunday! :(
    3919 days ago
  • KARVY09
    Love that the gym has become such a habit that your internal struggle happens when you are there, rather than before you get there.

    I'm excited for you and your 5-miles this weekend. You will feel so accomplished when you are done!!!!

    3919 days ago
    I have alomst the EXACT same inner struggle every time I am on a treadmill!!!! I think that is why I prefer to walk/run outside, then the only thing to pay attention to is the time...distance takes care of itself.

    Great Blog!
    3919 days ago
  • MSBLT82
    good job!!
    3919 days ago
    LOL...great read!!!!
    It's soooo true about the conversations we have with ourselves...the difference is most people stop...good for you for pushing through yet knowing your limits...

    Well done !!!

    3919 days ago
    I have the same thoughts when I'm running!! Good for you for pushing through that mental babble. Training on the road is brilliant and you may just notice beautiful things along your walk that you wouldn't see on the treadmill. One of my fav things about running outside is seeing what new flowers/plants/animals are along my way. You completely motivate me Esther. Thank you for doing what you're doing every day.
    3919 days ago
    Way to fight through the fatigue. Some days are just a lot harder than others! Good for you for working through it!

    3919 days ago

    3919 days ago
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