Wednesday, August 04, 2010
My ex girl friend just contacted me for the first time in months. I made nachos immediately following. I feel hungry. Like Im starving even. How weird... I wasnt hungry before I heard from her and yet eating is about all I want to do now.
Shes in Tennessee. TENNESSEE?? We are from Michigan. Did she really leave me for a woman she let online? We were together over two years and while I know that isnt that long I consider her my first love and I never thought wed break up. She was the first person I was ever in Love with that was in love with me at the same time. We were inseparable once. No one even took it seriously when we split. They all blew it off because everyone knew how in love we were.
Looking back shes left me a lot. My issues with abandonment are 10 fold now. I have so many questions and the more I got answered the more I had, and the angrier and more hurt I also became. I think a large part of my weight loss effort comes from needing control over my environment and my life. Feeling that I have something no one can take from me and feeling strong, independent, and beautiful.
Im more confused now than ever, She says she still loves me and wants to come home. What do I do? I had a hand in our split for sure but she made her choice when she left and didn't look back for months. I still hurt and cry for her daily but I dont know if that means go back. She says she made a huge mistake. She says she misses me and the kids. I dont know what to believe anymore. I believed she loved me more than a person could ever love someone and she left me. But i am far from innocent.
I don't know what to do. I don't know if shel change her mind or leave again. I don't know if either of us could ever trust the other the way we once did. I am hurt and angry damn it. She lied, but i have too. She left but I have too.
I recently accepted a dinner date and have hung out with a new girl 3 times now. I dont feel the same with her as I did with Malissa, but how could I? She is very different and im not sure shes for me, however, I feel like I owe this girl to find out. She hasnt hurt me. She deserves her chance right? Ugg. I really honestly don't know what to do. I like one and I love the other. This is exactly why I knew I wasn't ready to date but I hurt so bad and the female attention was much needed after the severe blow to my self esteem. Truth be told I dont know if I want anyone right now. I mean I do but I dont think the new girl is right for me and i am worried too much has happened w Malissa and I for me to be able to move forward without it becoming some pretty huge baggage. Ugg Uggg doupbe Uggg!
I cant even decide if it hurt more or less to hear all I heard. I will admit that I am getting over her. Should I let that happen or fight to have back what was ones all I ever wanted????????????????