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day 27~ugg~

Wednesday, August 04, 2010

My ex girl friend just contacted me for the first time in months. I made nachos immediately following. I feel hungry. Like Im starving even. How weird... I wasnt hungry before I heard from her and yet eating is about all I want to do now.

Shes in Tennessee. TENNESSEE?? We are from Michigan. Did she really leave me for a woman she let online? We were together over two years and while I know that isnt that long I consider her my first love and I never thought wed break up. She was the first person I was ever in Love with that was in love with me at the same time. We were inseparable once. No one even took it seriously when we split. They all blew it off because everyone knew how in love we were.

Looking back shes left me a lot. My issues with abandonment are 10 fold now. I have so many questions and the more I got answered the more I had, and the angrier and more hurt I also became. I think a large part of my weight loss effort comes from needing control over my environment and my life. Feeling that I have something no one can take from me and feeling strong, independent, and beautiful.

Im more confused now than ever, She says she still loves me and wants to come home. What do I do? I had a hand in our split for sure but she made her choice when she left and didn't look back for months. I still hurt and cry for her daily but I dont know if that means go back. She says she made a huge mistake. She says she misses me and the kids. I dont know what to believe anymore. I believed she loved me more than a person could ever love someone and she left me. But i am far from innocent.

I don't know what to do. I don't know if shel change her mind or leave again. I don't know if either of us could ever trust the other the way we once did. I am hurt and angry damn it. She lied, but i have too. She left but I have too.

I recently accepted a dinner date and have hung out with a new girl 3 times now. I dont feel the same with her as I did with Malissa, but how could I? She is very different and im not sure shes for me, however, I feel like I owe this girl to find out. She hasnt hurt me. She deserves her chance right? Ugg. I really honestly don't know what to do. I like one and I love the other. This is exactly why I knew I wasn't ready to date but I hurt so bad and the female attention was much needed after the severe blow to my self esteem. Truth be told I dont know if I want anyone right now. I mean I do but I dont think the new girl is right for me and i am worried too much has happened w Malissa and I for me to be able to move forward without it becoming some pretty huge baggage. Ugg Uggg doupbe Uggg!

I cant even decide if it hurt more or less to hear all I heard. I will admit that I am getting over her. Should I let that happen or fight to have back what was ones all I ever wanted???????????????? emoticon
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • DJS-DEBBIE
    It sounds like it is too soon for you to be making any big decisions. As you said, you don't know if you want anyone right now.

    You don't owe anyone else anything (except your kids when they are still young and need to be taken care of). Certainly you don't 'owe' anything to the new girl or to Malissa. You need to figure out what YOU want. You don't need to make any commitments to either of them right now. Take things very slowly and figure out what you want.
    3414 days ago
  • MANDYLOVE_76
    You need to do what's right for you. She hurt you. No matter how much you loved each other could you ever truly trust her? Take the new girl you've been out with 3 times out of the equation. You are the only one that matters.

    Maybe your ex did make a huge mistake but what's to say she won't make it again. Just hearing from her caused you to step backwards in your new fit lifestyle. How hard would it be if she came back?

    Also, think about what this has done to the kids. They need to see that it's not okay to be treated the way you were treated. You need to think about what you are teaching them.

    Anyway. Good luck and keep up the good work. You have a lot of support here!
    3417 days ago
  • SUSIEQ911
    Read what you wrote. You're not sure if you want anyone.

    You owe it to yourself, as well as anyone you might be with, to be ready to be in a relationship.

    It sound to me like you need time to yourself, time to be comfortable being alone, time to take care of yourself and be ready when the time comes to be the best person you can be in a relationship.


    3417 days ago
  • LOADINGBESTSELF
    Think about the person that you are now compared to the person that you were then. You are taking strides to take care of you when someone else left and wasnt there. Now realizing that you had this loss... which then was a deep and debilitating saddness im sure.... you have also gained much from that relationship- you know what you need and what you dont need and im sure there are more things you learned along the way. Stay true to yourself.
    3417 days ago
  • EMPRESSGIGI
    Dont go back to the EX. Speaking from experience the ones who left always tend to leave again or let you down again. They dont know how to grow up and know that you will always take them back when they have messed up. DOnt be a doormat. Love yourself and move on from this Ex. The pain will eventually subside and you will be able to move on with your life. EXs are exs for a reason. LOVE YOURSELF BE SELFISH!
    3418 days ago
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