Monday, August 02, 2010
So today I am plagued with having no clue how I feel. I'm not happy or sad. Not content but not agitated or overwhelmed. I guess I'm just here. Which is ok for me since I've been filled with SO many uncomfortable and confusing emotions over the past few weeks. I do know that I'm grateful. So yes I do know how I'm feeling, I'm grateful. Yesterday I spent the afternoon visiting with my mom at the nursing home. My father, sister, brother in law, and her children were there too. It was really nice. My mom had a good day. She remembered all of us, I think. It seemed like it anyway so that's a plus. My sister, who is usually totally self-absorbed, took it upon herself to speak up about my mom's lack of proper care over the past two months to the director. This was awesome, go sis. It made me feel proud. Historically, it was always me being called in for damage control and to "fix things". Since I have begun setting healthy boundaries this is not so much the case anymore. And that, I am VERY grateful for. I have spent nearly all of my adult life taking care of my family and their issues, concerns, crisis', that I hadn't spent much time on me. However, about 13 months ago that all changed when I realized I had better start working on me and taking care of myself or I was going to die, literally and figuratively.
I was able to meet all my goals this past week, which made me feel accomplished, since I have really been struggling with keeping my goals even if just for a week. It is a miracle that I havn't given up since I have only lost 5 pounds. I have been working my little toosh off and havn't been able to reap the rewards of the scale lowering however: I am stronger today, my legs have more definition, I can run 5 miles, my mind is clearer, my self confidence has increased, I ran a 5k and am training for a 10k, I have lost an inch in waist, thighs, and hips, people have complimented me on how I look, I do stength training, I could go on. All of these are smaller miracles but still miracles, because four months ago I couldn't say any of that.
This week is Kingdom Bound (Christian Music Festival) and I usually camp for the week, however since I have a new job I don't have any vacation until September. So I will spend time there after work and I was able to take Wednesday off to spend the entire day with wonderful people worshiping God. This is my 5th year and next year I have already begun planning to get a campsite with my sis and her family and invited my best friend to go to. So I have something to look forward to next August being able to stay the whole 4 days.
Over the weekend I was chatting with a friend and realized that for all the difficulties I have been faced with over the past year, and as recent as the last two weeks, I have miracles happening in my life too.
For me to even entertain the thought of going camping with my sis is a miracle in and of itself. We have NOT had a good relationship to say the least. Because I have stopped trying to change her and "fix" her and instead change myself and how I react or don't react, we have begun to have a much better relationship. Don't get me wrong this is hard work every time I see her or talk to her I have to be aware of where I am emotionally. But if I start to feel myself going to "that place" I just excuse myself and get my mind off of it. I'm not perfect but I do work on it. Without to much info, I have joint custody of my niece, she lives with me, and there are good reasons for that (she is 17 and a wonderful girl).
My other sis and I went to a picnic this weekend on Saturday, which is another miracle. We too have not had a great relationship for years. Growing up I was very close with both my sister's however distanced ourselves for various reasons. She has been clean and sober for over 7 months which is HUGE!!!! I am so proud of her and was able to present her with her 6 month coin as I was celebrating 1 year(another miracle). We had a wonderful time and it was so nice to see her healthy and much happier than she was such a short time ago.
It was a miracle that I didn't explode on my father yesterday. My sis had told me that for various reasons my father decided to end his affair. Now when I was there he asked about this lady several times. I'm not thinking it's over, just a funny feeling I have. However, life is too short. For as angry as I want to be and am with my father, the truth is, I don't know how losing his wife of 34 yrs feels. I know she is there physically but not mentally. This doesn't mean that I think having an affair is ok, because I definitely DO NOT. But I lost my fiancé last year, he was 28, 28 years old. It was very sudden and nobody could have known it was coming, there were no symptoms. One of the things that helped me through his death was that the last words we said to one another was "I love you". Not everybody gets that. Too many times we rush through our lives, don't say I love you, or say I'm sorry then it's TOO LATE. And when they are gone we can't take it back, say I'm sorry, or say I love you. So am I happy with my fathers actions, NO. My hope is that he has come to his senses and ended the relationship, but the truth is I can't stop him if he hasn't. I can't change him. And I couldn't live with myself if he died today and I didn't tell him I loved him because I was being selfish.
The relationship I have with my best friend is certainly a miracle too. We went to Graduate School together, and in fact she was the first person I met at orientation. We kept in touch after we graduated and I did a reading at her wedding. Which I was absolutely terrified to do, but she had faith in me that I could and would do a great job. Over the years we would fade in and out of each others lives. When my fiancé died last year I texted her at 6:15am the following day and I had not yet slept. She took time off of work and was at my house by 11:30. Mind you, she lives about 3-3 1/2 hours away, on a good day. She stayed with me the whole weekend and took an extra day off on Monday. She was gracious enough to lead a small memorial service for him at my home that Sunday (he was from downstate and the "official service" would take place in his hometown) for family and friends in Buffalo. Over the past year our relationship has grown leaps and bounds. She is the healthiest friend I have. Our relationship is what I always dreamed about, or what others talked about, when thinking or speaking about a best friend. In my darkest days, when all my "friends" walked out she walked in and believed in me when I couldn't. For as tragic as his death was it brought me and my best friend closer and I only have God to thank for that. Today, I can be there for her when she has difficulties or is struggling, cheering her on, and believing in her.
So I say to any and all of you who have been going through heartbreak and heartache. For all the difficulties and tragedies we have in our lives, God will bring a miracle to you. You have to be aware and look for them. Some of them are very obvious and you will have no problem seeing them, and others won't be so obvious and could be hidden under something else, but believe that they are there.
Thank you for taking the time to read about my miracles. Thank you for all the support and encouragement. It has really meant the world to me.