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If I Really Knew Me... (Part 1)

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

So, yes...I've been struggling lately. (The scale said 370 this morning. *sigh*) But what I've been struggling with are important demons. This is the part in the scary movie where you have to figure out what this demon is, what's it's like, and what it's weaknesses are so you can defeat it. Not every demon is the same. Emotional eating. Self-confidence issues. Lack of 'motiviation.' They ALL have different personalities. And the key to getting rid of each one is different, if even just a little bit, from another. So today, in my quest to discover what this demon is, what he shall be called, and what I will need to do to exorcise (*lol*) him, I'm starting a list of the things I need to make me whole. The things I need RIGHT NOW.

I've been whining to myself about the things I don't have and what I "need" to be happy...but I really want to dive into what my real emotional needs are. It's not about a new recliner or a new car (though I will need one of these very soon so I can still get to work). It's not even about a new job (though, let's be honest, I have more ambition in life than to sit behind a desk and be someone's assistant for the rest of my life). But someone reminded me of something...maybe this stagnation is what I NEED right now. Maybe there's a purpose for it. So why not try to get everything out of it that I can? So that got me thinking about my other NEEDS. REAL things. HONEST to GOODNESS, down-to-the-heart things. What does Esther, the soul of Esther, need to be healthy and happy?

This might take a while...and I may have to come back to it later as I continue a journey of self-discovery. I've started off by simply collecting pictures that make me feel at peace, calm, happy...pictures that really speak to the heart and soul of who I am. And a word of warning, this will probably be a lot of freewriting. I need this to come organically from within. I need my thoughts to connect to what's hidden inside. It's a little Freudian, but there you go.


Yep, that one definately has to be up there. What appeals to me about travel, though? Immediately I think, "I want to SEE things!" but that's not even the base of it. I want to be a PART of things. I want to feel like my time here mattered. Like I had a hand in something. Like I experienced something. I want to learn through the eyes (and shoes) of others. I want to know what is unique and different about everything, and everyone. I want to find the beauty in everything...maybe then I can be assured of the beauty within myself. Maybe then I can prove that I am beautiful to those who have doubted me for so long. Maybe then I will know that my father was wrong. That I AM worth something. That I have something to contribute. That I have worth.

Successful job.

And not just ANY job. I really want to be the head of a major publisher or magazine. Part of this may be my insecurity in my own writing. Maybe I don't think I can adequately transmit the thoughts in my head to the world. Maybe I'm afraid no one will care. But I feel the need to influence the process of the messages getting out. Things need to be changed. There are kids out there like me. And I want to heal that little 8 year old's heart with the words on the page. I want to tell her (and me) that she is special and wonderful and beautiful. I want her to know about the magic in life, and I want her to know that she can make some of her own. I want to hold her close and protect her from the big-bad-everything of the cruel world, but I also want her to learn early that I can't always protect her. I want her to know that there will be times she will need to protect herself. I want her to know that it doesn't always seem fair, but that others have it worse. I want her to know that just because there are others who have it worse, it doesn't make her struggles any less important or valuable or life-changing. Her experience is unique, and it should be shared with others.

A huge house, with a pool and a movie theatre!

I used to think I wanted this because I wanted to stay secluded from everyone, and maybe there is a little part of that there...but there is so much more. My entire life I felt limited - by money, by access to things I wanted to see and do, by my weight. Somehow I feel like if I could gather up all the things I really want to have and do in my life and put them in a nice package with a big bow, then nobody can take them away from me. No one can limit what I do because I will be able to shut them out and lock the gate. I can protect myself from their judgement. I can have what I always wanted without fear of it being stripped out from under me...and what I always wanted was a feeling of security. A feeling that the world wasn't going to fall apart around me at any moment. I used to dream of a fire destroying our house in a matter of minutes, and I guess it came from that fear that everything could be taken away in the blink of an eye, with one wrong move. (Oooh..that's telling with the all-or-nothing approach I tend toward with the weight loss thing!!) I want to feel safe for once and forever, and more than that...I want my kids to always know that. Always!

The beach.

The beach both mystifies and scares me. It's power is so amazing and I'm constantly terrified that my legs will be ripped from under me and I'll drown (this one's easy...it actually happened when I was about 5 or 6 years old). But then there is this marriage of land and sea, of solid and liquid that I just can't seem to wrap my head around. And the colors are so beautiful and vibrant. It's a place that is seemingly untouched. I mean, I know we've destroyed what the oceans once were (especially with the oil spill fiascos!) but it almost transports me to a time that used to be. I do this a lot when I travel too. On a trip to New England I kept looking in the forrests, imagining I was a Native American and trying to picture what the world looked like before the concrete jungle sprung up within it. This mystifies me a little bit, and I'm grappling with what it could mean personally to me, but I think it might have something to do with my distrust in the modernity of the world. In my feeling that it was all once so perfect and we ruined it. Maybe I think that *I* was once perfect and this is my guilt in feeling that I ruined the perfect creation I was. Maybe I want my kids to remain perfect, and it's my frustration in knowing that that can never be. They will be influenced by people in the world, bad and good alike, and they will come away completely different people from the perfect babes I once held in my arms. They will find corruption within themselves and will make mistakes, and I will have failed at keeping them as close to perfect as possible. Maybe it's just that I'm afraid of failing. *shrug*

So, there you go. Four will do for now...and I'll try to revisit this later. Lately I've wanted to use my blogs as a way to explore the emotional side of this journey. I feel like I have the eating and exercise under control, but the emotions I keep avoiding. I need to confront them now before they sabotage me for good down the road. I know that this break through of 366 that I'm so hoping for is a big emotional step in the right direction, and I'm ready to prepare myself to reaching goals I always dismissed in my mind as "You can't do that, don't even try."

Sorry if the reading is boring for you, but I have *always* said that blogs are personal things. Sure, I share them with you, because I *hope* that maybe something I say will spark a thought within you. I have always wanted to help people achieve their full potential (another topic for another time), but to be completely honest (and selfish, perhaps), I need these blogs more than you do. I need to be able to come back and say, "Oh yeah! That's why this was so important! I need to get that back in my life!" I need to remember when I was at my highs and lows emotionally so I can make the connections I will need to be a more fulfilled person, a person better able to handle life (and weight loss's) trials and triumphs.

...to be continued...
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • no profile photo CD375712
    I think you are on the right track. You can do all the right food and fitness stuff, but our emotions ultimately drive our decisions. Can't ignore them forever! I am doing the same as you - exploring what I want and where I want to go. I HATE swimming pools because I had many bad water experiences as a kid, but now I think I want one someday. And I miss the beach. I dream about my grandmother's beach house and think I might want to live by the water someday (not this rocky Washington State bay stuff!). I've been dreaming via Trulia.com and Bing maps - you can find some amazing real estate that way! LOL
    3945 days ago
  • no profile photo CD7009225
    I really enjoyed your blog. It is an interesting approach to self evaluation. It made me think about who I am and what I really want in life. So, someday, I may steal this idea. That's how much I liked this approach.

    You are doing a great job with food and fitness, it is great that you are trying to wrap your whole self up in a nice bow, complete with healthy psyche!
    3945 days ago
  • ANGEL7912
    I loved your blog and it was not boring by far. I actually felt myself getting closer to the screen like when I'm watching a real intense movie. it was when you were talking about helping that little girl. I thought I was going to cry. You have an amazing way with words. It keeps me reading anyway. I'm happy and grateful that you shared this and please continue to. You are helping others through your blogs, I know for certain it got me thinking about different things in my life. That little girl thing really got me. I do know I have unresolved issues from childhood that I have been and continue to work on. So thank you Esther for reminding me that there is that little girl still inside of me that needs attention if I'm going to become healthy emotionally.
    3945 days ago
    I enjoyed reading your blog. I am looking forward to reading part 2. Keep your head up and keep on truckin. I believe the emotional part of this journey is tougher than the other counterparts to it.
    3945 days ago
  • ERIN1128
    Honey, I don't think you could be boring if you tried! Keep on plugging, you're really doing great...I think self-awareness is a huge part of this journey.
    3945 days ago
    Awesome blog! And it's definitely not boring to us, it helps us understand you and some of the issues you may be facing. It also helped me think about myself, and I'm thinking that I should probably try to figure myself out better. There must be reasons why I self-sabotage... I get so close and then revert back to all the bad habits.
    Thanks for sharing!
    3945 days ago
    Beautiful blog. Great introspection.
    I feel exactly how you do about the beach ;) I'm always filled with awe.
    3945 days ago
  • KARVY09
    I hope that writing this has helped you. You are a beautiful person and enjoy all the joys life has to offer!
    3945 days ago
    what Toronto said!
    3945 days ago
  • RACHELLY0724
    I'm there - I've got this block at 300 - and even aside from that it's like 15lbs - I've NEVER stuck with something and lost 20lbs - what is that? WHY do I get comfortable and slip and sabotage whatever, to keep myself pinned into this prison of unhappiness? WHY? Right now I'm between 299 and 302, and it's like, WHY?
    3945 days ago
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    To the future & great inspiration!
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    3945 days ago
    I feel your pain. I am hovering right above 200. Every time I get close to 200 I freak out and start self-sabotaging and I can't even figure out why? What is more scary about weighing 199 than 202? I can't tell you because if i see 202 I run out and eat peanut M & M s all weekend until I will never find out. :(
    3945 days ago
  • no profile photo CD6372002
    I loved this! Can't wait for part 2!
    3945 days ago
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