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Trying to muster up enough (fill in the blank), to not give up.

Monday, July 26, 2010

I've been doing the spark thing since March and have learned a tremendous amount not just about becoming healthy but also about myself. I don't want to think of this time as starting over, since I've been working my butt off, but rather as "tweeking my program" or "fine tuning". I just bought the Spark, and began reading it last week. I decided that today will be the day I start my 28 day program as outlined by the book. I realized that when I initally started my spark journey that I half-assed somethings. Not everything but some things that seem to be really important as noted in the Spark. So, I'm going to start at the very beginning and follow the directions that have been helpful to millions of people and if it worked for them, then why not me.

I have learned that when there are a set of directions that have been proven to be effective then why try to fix what is not broken.

Last night as I was attempting to fall asleep I really just wanted to throw in the towel. Not just with my program here on spark but with everything I've been going through this last year. I was bawling in bed and was just tired of feeling the way I have for the past couple of months. Depressed, sad, tired, frustrated, angry, disappointed, lonely, etc, etc........ Don't get me wrong I don't feel all of these all of the time and am very grateful for my life as I know it today, but ultimately I am human and am not "Super Angel" and that is where I get myself into trouble. I spend so much time on doing what I need to do to get through each day and stay as positive as I can, that when I feel the least bit of those "uncomfortable" feelings I want to stuff them. I've been working very hard at not doing this over the past year and when my best friend Alcohol was taken from me it made it that much harder. He was always there for me when I needed him and made all my uncomfortable feelings go away, even if just for that moment. Now it's all me, feeling and dealing, and dealing and feeling.

Last weekend was full of mixed emotions. The joy of my sister's wedding and the love I could see they have for one another, then the sadness and anger that came from finding out my dad is having an affair and my mom's illness has progressed way further then I allowed myself to believe.

This weekend, I said goodbye to one of my longest and closest friends, who is moving to Colorado with our doggie. It's a crazy story, but to simplify, we were highschool sweet hearts, broke up, yet remained friends, he took the dog (sadie in the pic on my page) to live with him, but we had "joint custody". I would take Sadie for weeks at a time, or maybe just for the weekend. We have had her since she was 6 weeks and she is now 14. Although I know I will visit (since his mom is my 2nd mom and I love her dearly) it is still very sad to say goodbye. I realized how much I took for granted the thought that my friend would always live close by with our dog. And now that he's leaving it's tearing me up.

These two examples of what has been going on is just what has happened recently in my life. This past year, well actually about 1 1/2 years has been filled with trials and tribulations that I never imagined would happend to me or the people that I love. The most significant being the death of my fiance. I noticed recently that I have been a lot more emotional then I have been. I don't know if I'm in a different stage of grieving or if I just begun. Some days it's so overwhelming that it's almost crippling.

I beginning to believe that part of my motivation to do this program on spark people is because this is something I can control in a life that I don't have any control over. And then I remember that there is something psyhiologically going on with me that is making me extremely tired every moment of every day, and I continue to struggle with losing any significant amount of weight. So I don't have control over this either.

I do know that God has a plan for me and for as much as I'm uncomfortable with everything being thrown at me, He is using it to build me for whatever He has planned for me. If I don't have faith and trust in that then I am nothing and have nothing. It is the only thing that keeps me going somedays, just like today.

If you read this: THANK YOU!!!!!
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Thank you for sharing, and I hope that everything gets better soon. MY heart goes out to you.
    3830 days ago
    I'm looking at the words on all of the socks on your page and thinking that these are all things that come to someone who opens up and faces her life, rather than hiding away.

    You will continue to face difficulties in the future, but you are strong and can deal with them. That doesn't mean a good cry sometimes and encouraging words from others won't help as well. But, things will also be wonderful in the future and if you were hiding away then you would miss most of those things.

    I'm sending you positive thoughts and wishing you the best. You deserve it.

    3831 days ago
  • no profile photo SHELLEYSWIFT
    Sometimes the best thing is to do as you are doing and sharing your hard times. I feel sure that as the old saying is
    When you hit rock bottom the only way out is up.
    Things will improve and soon I hope and pray. God bless you Doreen emoticon emoticon emoticon
    3831 days ago
  • SPARKIE1964
    A big virtual hug...You are not on this journey all by yourself, eventhough you may feel lonley at times. We are all here with you with a shoulder to lean on and arms to embrace. Your life is certainly going though a tremendous amount of change which is a sign that you are growing. We cannot choose the cards that life hands us, but we can choose how we respond to the situations we are faced with. You have the courage to keep going, but I can tell you that I share your exhaustion. It is hard, but we are so worth it. TOGETHER, WE WILL DO THIS, ONE DAY A TIME...

    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    3831 days ago
    I hope that all the hugs, well wishings, and blessings from all of your friends here at sparkpeople can help you in your journey. Don't give up just keep trying, daily. No different then not drinking. Everyday is a challange. We will keep you in our prayers.
    3831 days ago
    Awwww...Big Hugs girl!!! You show the strength of people that are 2-3 times your age! You are certainly wise beyond your years. God will bless you!!!!

    Hang in there - you are doing a great job getting healthy...even if the scale doesn't cooperate your body is surely thanking you for taking the steps towards better health!
    3831 days ago
    If only you knew how much you are helping people by sharing your struggles and burdens. Your honesty about what's happening and how you are feeling and thinking helps me and so many others beyond words. Just keep putting one foot in front of another honey. One day at a time. I'm always here for you.
    3831 days ago
  • SCHANSEN2010
    Blessings to you as you continue to sort things out and incorporate so many facets of your life into this spark journey. May peace of mind be with you today.
    3831 days ago
  • no profile photo CD5575543
    It is not an easy road you have in front of you, but I know that you will manage to come out on the right end. Hang in and get better. emoticon emoticon
    3831 days ago
    You definitely have gone through some difficult events but I'm glad you realize that God does have a purpose. He is making you a stronger person emoticon You are definelty a motivation for me to become a better person. You are so strong!
    3831 days ago
  • JAJA432003
    I am so sorry for what you have gone through, but like you said God is using you for something bigger. He would never give us something that he knew that we could not handle. So stay strong and keep your head up, this will all be a thing of the past that has made you a stronger God loving women. emoticon emoticon
    3831 days ago
  • no profile photo CD5469563
    I'm sorry things have been so rough. emoticon Good for you for not giving up! You are stronger than you know, and God is right there beside you to help you through each and every moment of each and every day. You can do this!

    emoticon emoticon
    3831 days ago
    So sorry for all you are going through right now....Just keep Faith that God is here and there is a plan for your life...Work on one thing at a time. Sometimes even the smallest achievement can make you feel so much better! Hang in there, I'll say a prayer for you... emoticon
    3831 days ago
    I'm sorry for all that you have had to go through. Thank you for sharing. emoticon emoticon
    3831 days ago
    You can do it one day at a time. Congrats on not drinking as Alcohol will not make the problem better. emoticon
    3831 days ago
    Oh my goodness. What stress!!! Yikes. Just try and take it one day or even one moment at a time. And you're right Faith is a beautiful thing. You have my support and friendship-Sherry
    3831 days ago
    You're going through a lot of tough stuff. Keep strong and be there for yourself. You are right about not fixing what isn't broken. You will get through this.
    3831 days ago
    That is a tremendous amount of stress for anyone. I am so proud of you for not drinking and eating your problems away. That can be so very hard to do! Thank you for sharing all of this with us. It must be so hard to put it all out for the world to see. I know you are angry with your dad. My parents had a LOT of problems and his alcoholism was a big part of it. It was hard to separate my anger but I realized their problems were not my fault and I couldn't do anything to change the outcome. It helped me to let go and take care of myself. You can stick with this. I wish you all the best. Hugs
    3831 days ago
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