Trying to muster up enough (fill in the blank), to not give up.
Monday, July 26, 2010
I've been doing the spark thing since March and have learned a tremendous amount not just about becoming healthy but also about myself. I don't want to think of this time as starting over, since I've been working my butt off, but rather as "tweeking my program" or "fine tuning". I just bought the Spark, and began reading it last week. I decided that today will be the day I start my 28 day program as outlined by the book. I realized that when I initally started my spark journey that I half-assed somethings. Not everything but some things that seem to be really important as noted in the Spark. So, I'm going to start at the very beginning and follow the directions that have been helpful to millions of people and if it worked for them, then why not me.
I have learned that when there are a set of directions that have been proven to be effective then why try to fix what is not broken.
Last night as I was attempting to fall asleep I really just wanted to throw in the towel. Not just with my program here on spark but with everything I've been going through this last year. I was bawling in bed and was just tired of feeling the way I have for the past couple of months. Depressed, sad, tired, frustrated, angry, disappointed, lonely, etc, etc........ Don't get me wrong I don't feel all of these all of the time and am very grateful for my life as I know it today, but ultimately I am human and am not "Super Angel" and that is where I get myself into trouble. I spend so much time on doing what I need to do to get through each day and stay as positive as I can, that when I feel the least bit of those "uncomfortable" feelings I want to stuff them. I've been working very hard at not doing this over the past year and when my best friend Alcohol was taken from me it made it that much harder. He was always there for me when I needed him and made all my uncomfortable feelings go away, even if just for that moment. Now it's all me, feeling and dealing, and dealing and feeling.
Last weekend was full of mixed emotions. The joy of my sister's wedding and the love I could see they have for one another, then the sadness and anger that came from finding out my dad is having an affair and my mom's illness has progressed way further then I allowed myself to believe.
This weekend, I said goodbye to one of my longest and closest friends, who is moving to Colorado with our doggie. It's a crazy story, but to simplify, we were highschool sweet hearts, broke up, yet remained friends, he took the dog (sadie in the pic on my page) to live with him, but we had "joint custody". I would take Sadie for weeks at a time, or maybe just for the weekend. We have had her since she was 6 weeks and she is now 14. Although I know I will visit (since his mom is my 2nd mom and I love her dearly) it is still very sad to say goodbye. I realized how much I took for granted the thought that my friend would always live close by with our dog. And now that he's leaving it's tearing me up.
These two examples of what has been going on is just what has happened recently in my life. This past year, well actually about 1 1/2 years has been filled with trials and tribulations that I never imagined would happend to me or the people that I love. The most significant being the death of my fiance. I noticed recently that I have been a lot more emotional then I have been. I don't know if I'm in a different stage of grieving or if I just begun. Some days it's so overwhelming that it's almost crippling.
I beginning to believe that part of my motivation to do this program on spark people is because this is something I can control in a life that I don't have any control over. And then I remember that there is something psyhiologically going on with me that is making me extremely tired every moment of every day, and I continue to struggle with losing any significant amount of weight. So I don't have control over this either.
I do know that God has a plan for me and for as much as I'm uncomfortable with everything being thrown at me, He is using it to build me for whatever He has planned for me. If I don't have faith and trust in that then I am nothing and have nothing. It is the only thing that keeps me going somedays, just like today.
If you read this: THANK YOU!!!!!