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I'm not liking where this is heading...

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

So I was doing well for awhile, losing weight the healthy weigh. I knew when I tipped the scales at 244lbs, and couldn't fit in to my size 18's that something had to be done. So I had originally renewed my gym membership and went regularly but it has since expired and I'm pretty much broke and now I'm stuck with my workout dvd's and the park next to my house. I'm not complaining because I am still dropping the lbs(slowly, very slowly), it's just that the bingeing hasn't stopped as much as I'd like. I guess I'm just expecting it to disappear overnight or something. It's just really frustrating.


About 3 weeks ago, I decided it was time to get serious and severely cut calories and begin restricting again. I ate about 700-800calories for my meals but then I would snack at night. I was careful though and my daily total came out around 1500-1800 daily. And I exercise usually everyday. I also work at a store where I am constantly on my feet 5-7hrs during my shift, 4-5 days a week. But for the last 3 1/2 days I have binged constantly. I feel gross and so disappointed in myself. It has caused me to re-evaluate my self, my life. I'm 23 and I live at home. I have a college degree but I work at a tiny store where my college degree is of no use to me. I rarely go out-I sit at home and WISH I had some sort of social life. I need a change. I want to get out of this tiny town and do something that makes me feel good about me. I hate feeling worthless. I know that I have taken great steps in the right direction in comparison to myself at this time last year. However, I still feel like this is all so new to me. My ED really took control of my life in the summer of 2008, which was only 2 years ago. I see women that have struggled with an ED their entire life and I wonder if that is going to be me. Am I going to start restricting again to the point where I have to be hospitalized? Or am I going to continue to binge and let it get so out of control that I gain even more weight? Every bite of food that goes into my mouth has me asking myself these questions. It's so depressing and I don't even have the words to describe my emotions sometimes. Sometimes I want to just give up and eat myself into oblivion. Crawl into a hole and eat myself to death. And then times I just want to not eat because there are times where I would still rather die than be fat. I shouldn't feel that way! I should not want to die because of my weight! I want to be excited about life everyday and right now I'm not. I have my good days occasionally but not enough for me. I don't really know where to go and what direction to take. I pray about it, everyday. I pray about a lot of things. And I know God can handle it. I just have such a hard time of letting Him keep control of my life.

I just want to be better. To be happy and healthy and thin.
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