No pictures please!!!!!!

I HATE CAMERA'S!!!! Ok. so I realize that hate is a strong feeling in and of itself, let alone to have it for an inanimate object but it's the truth, I really do! It really came to mind this past weekend when I was spending time with my brother and his family. My sister-in-law LOVES taking pics, and that's ok. I love taking pics too and looking at them, just not with me in them. I think it's important to have pics of those people in my life that are important to me and I love, I just don't want to be in any of them.

When I was young I guess my parents took a lot of photos although photos with me in them are a rarity. I'm not sure if by the forth child they were just "pictured out" or what but I've never really had a good sense of what I looked like as a young child (pre-school years). I do know that when I was 5 we had a fire in our house which did damage most of our belongings and a lot of photos were lost in that tragedy. However, the pics that were salvaged did not have me in them. That's crazy to me, to have pics saved from the fire but none with me in them. My older step sister has some old photos that she copied for my brother and I was able to see them some years ago and I was actually in them. I was so excited when my brother told me I was in some pics until I saw them. I was facing away from the camera in every photo. Now all these pics were not taken at the same time so it wasn't just that I didn't want my pic taken that day. NONE of the pics that had been taken was I able to see what I looked like. The closest thing I have ever gotten to knowing what I looked like is my niece. When she was a baby everyone commented on how she looked just like me when I was a baby. That was actually pretty cool considering I love her with all my heart, and I believe she is absolutely beautiful (which I would never say about myself).

So here I am 31 and I still turn away from the camera. Although I don't know why I did it when I was a child I do know now. I think I look fat!! That's the long and the short of it. If I do take a pic more often than not I ask for it to be retaken, and retaken, and then retaken. Hoping that the double chin I'm seeing will magically disappear. Or I can see my stomach rolls or my arms are too fat or my legs, on and on and on...........

One of my biggest goals is to be comfortable having my pic taken with those people in my life that I love or even by myself. I want to be able to look back at them in future years and remember- what was going on or where I was in the pic. And I think that part comes from not having any photos of me with my family when I was young. I would give anything to see some pics of my family when I was a child with me in them and looking at the camera.

I realized that I didn't have any photos of me on my SP except those that my friend took the day of my first 5k. And if my memory serves me right I didn't even want those pics taken but did it in hopes that it would be a reminder later of where I was then and how far I had come. So I took one today and put it up, after taking about 15 and deleting them because I just couldn't stand looking at them.

So, now I will TRY very hard to think of the pics I put up on my SP as reminders how much I want to be healthy and all the hard work I've already put in and will continue to!!!!!!!!

Thanks to all my spark friends for all the support and encouragment. It means the world to me!!!!!!!!

A pic of my brother Duane and I on the 4th of July! ( despite all the saying NO in my head I only see him once or twice a year and wouldve regreted not doing it)