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No pictures please!!!!!!

Wednesday, July 07, 2010

I HATE CAMERA'S!!!! Ok. so I realize that hate is a strong feeling in and of itself, let alone to have it for an inanimate object but it's the truth, I really do! It really came to mind this past weekend when I was spending time with my brother and his family. My sister-in-law LOVES taking pics, and that's ok. I love taking pics too and looking at them, just not with me in them. I think it's important to have pics of those people in my life that are important to me and I love, I just don't want to be in any of them.

When I was young I guess my parents took a lot of photos although photos with me in them are a rarity. I'm not sure if by the forth child they were just "pictured out" or what but I've never really had a good sense of what I looked like as a young child (pre-school years). I do know that when I was 5 we had a fire in our house which did damage most of our belongings and a lot of photos were lost in that tragedy. However, the pics that were salvaged did not have me in them. That's crazy to me, to have pics saved from the fire but none with me in them. My older step sister has some old photos that she copied for my brother and I was able to see them some years ago and I was actually in them. I was so excited when my brother told me I was in some pics until I saw them. I was facing away from the camera in every photo. Now all these pics were not taken at the same time so it wasn't just that I didn't want my pic taken that day. NONE of the pics that had been taken was I able to see what I looked like. The closest thing I have ever gotten to knowing what I looked like is my niece. When she was a baby everyone commented on how she looked just like me when I was a baby. That was actually pretty cool considering I love her with all my heart, and I believe she is absolutely beautiful (which I would never say about myself).

So here I am 31 and I still turn away from the camera. Although I don't know why I did it when I was a child I do know now. I think I look fat!! That's the long and the short of it. If I do take a pic more often than not I ask for it to be retaken, and retaken, and then retaken. Hoping that the double chin I'm seeing will magically disappear. Or I can see my stomach rolls or my arms are too fat or my legs, on and on and on...........

One of my biggest goals is to be comfortable having my pic taken with those people in my life that I love or even by myself. I want to be able to look back at them in future years and remember- what was going on or where I was in the pic. And I think that part comes from not having any photos of me with my family when I was young. I would give anything to see some pics of my family when I was a child with me in them and looking at the camera.

I realized that I didn't have any photos of me on my SP except those that my friend took the day of my first 5k. And if my memory serves me right I didn't even want those pics taken but did it in hopes that it would be a reminder later of where I was then and how far I had come. So I took one today and put it up, after taking about 15 and deleting them because I just couldn't stand looking at them.

So, now I will TRY very hard to think of the pics I put up on my SP as reminders how much I want to be healthy and all the hard work I've already put in and will continue to!!!!!!!!

Thanks to all my spark friends for all the support and encouragment. It means the world to me!!!!!!!!

A pic of my brother Duane and I on the 4th of July! ( despite all the saying NO in my head I only see him once or twice a year and wouldve regreted not doing it)

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • no profile photo CD1389378
    You are adorable looking in your photo with your brother, don't mean in a child way or in a cutesy way - in an adorable way. I hope that makes sense. It's tough when our inner picture is negative as it does skew the outer pictures image. I learned that with the body issues stuff - how I saw myself as this huge person when in fact I was so thin that I had bones sticking out. It took much time to finally match up my inner and outer images. Sounds like you have a handle on it and it will all come together. Keep smiling and posting those pics and one day it'll come real natural. :)
    3855 days ago
    Great picture! It's hard to do, but I wish now I'd taken more pics of family events both of my family and of me and my family. It's really more so since my Dad passed away, so love the camera and just give a good pose! I read somewhere where if you stand sorta sideways, bend an elbow at the hip and a knee, you look thinner. So, that's how I'm taking pics now! Look at all those runway shots of the celebrities, very few look at the camera head-on and that's why!
    3855 days ago
  • no profile photo CD7229242
    your cute!
    3855 days ago
    I agree with the lady that made the long blog. You are pretty and you should get your picture taken. emoticon
    3855 days ago
    I think you are absolutely ADORABLE!!!! But I completely understand...I had used the excuse that I was the person taking the pictures for the longest time, but in reality, all the pictures I was in I usually deleted at first sight. And now I wish I had some of them back, if for nothing else but to be able to truly see how far I have come. Okay, I have two stories for you, you'll have to forgive me for droning on and on! :-)

    1. Don't know if you've seen it yet or not, but one of the things on my DONE being the fat girl list on my SparkPage is that I am DONE deleting pics from the camera. I haven't deleted a picture since that time, and I'm so glad I haven't. No, I don't always look super cute and there was one taken recently where I was appalled at how much you could see my fat roll on my tummy because of the way I was leaning...but I'm glad that I'm actually IN the memories! I really am a person and the pictures are proof! You're a person too...time to prove to everybody that you are!

    2. I have posted on my SparkPage a picture of me at my heaviest weight and I HATE that picture. I look at and I literally want to cringe. The way that picture came into existence is me and my boss were borrowing a camera to take pictures at a breakfast we were having to honor the nursing program at the school where I work. So she was practicing and snapped that picture. I never thought about it again. Well, it turns out that it was still on the memory card of the camera when we turned it in to the Public Information Office (where we borrowed it from). YEARS later a gal I know that works in that office, but didn't at the time the pic was taken, sent it to me thinking I would want it. I was absolutely horrified by what I saw. BUT now I am able to look at the picture and be proud of myself. I wouldn't even have any pictures of how I looked at my heaviest if that picture hadn't stuck around. I see such a major difference in how I was then to what I am now. And lots of times my mind can tell me I wasn't *that* fat, but the picture doesn't lie. But the pictures now also tell a different story. They say that I am working my butt off, literally, to be healthy.

    Alright - so with all that said, I hope it provides just a couple more reasons WHY you should welcome the opportunity to be in pictures. You ARE adorable and will begin to look thinner and thinner in pics...and someday you will look back at these ones that you take now and be able to say "yeah - I did that!!"

    Say Cheese! *snaps picture*
    3855 days ago
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