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Giving Up - W9.D3

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Yes, yesterday I considered giving up...but giving up what, really? Hope?

Weigh-In Day (Sunday)

Starting Weight: 466.6
SP SW: 416.2
Last Week: 388.6
Goal This Week: 386.6
Actual: 386.0
Weight Lost This Week: 2.6
Total Weight Lost with SP: 30.2
Total Weight Lost overall: 80.6

Let me explain. Yes, I lost 2.6 pounds this week...IF you take the weight from when I weighed in on Sunday following the drive back from camp. I normally wait until morning so I can weigh first thing, so I intended on seeing a little more gone on Monday morning (after all, don't most of us weigh more mid-day?). I woke up Monday morning excited, only to step on the scale and see 389, then 387.6 (which stuck...sometimes my scale is silly). If I take this number, I only lost 1 stupid pound this week. After all the pain and hard work...1 pound?

So, yes...I expected more from this weekend. And so I spent much of yesterday crying over how I'd never be thin, or even healthy or even just overweight. I cried about how much easier it seems to be for everyone else. I cried for the life I want but don't have. I cried because I was in pain, but I was still expected (by myself, no less) to workout. I cried because I didn't understand (or really, I did, but couldn't go back and change it) why I only lost one pound when I had worked myself so hard, done things most people my weight would never attempt, etc. I cried for a long time and I thought about giving up. But I didn't know what I could give up. Because eating tons of sugar again is not really something my body wants. Every now and again, sure, but not all the time like it used to. And eating fatty foods make me ill. And not getting enough fruits and veggies makes me grumpy. And not working out makes me feel like a loser. So the only thing I considered giving up was trying, hoping, dreaming that things could be different.

But I know what went wrong....I think. Hubs and I sat down and seriously discussed it. And between his theory of dense muscle building in my legs and his assurances that my legs looked thinner, and my theory that I just did not eat enough and my body went into survival mode. I know what I could've done differently. But I also know that it's not important.

You see, I've done it again - I've diminished my accomplishments in order to allow my mind to float into agreement with those around me. I admitted to Hubs that the part I remembered most about the entire trip was the look on two young, fit guys' faces while they waited for me to climb down some stairs. It was the look of impatience and annoyance. Frustration that this "fat broad" was holding up their adventure. And instead of seeing this as a mark of their disrespect and lack of consideration, I saw it as a lack of my difficiencies...again. I let them influence my thoughts of myself and I let their voices take over my own. I called myself fat and told myself that I was in the way. I told myself that I should just stay home where I wouldn't annoy these people. I noticed on the hike that no matter how worn out I was, whenever someone walked by I picked up the pace and acted like I was fine. Why? Well, because I didn't want them to think that I was weak or unable to do this.

There is a high level of frustration in me right now because I realized that no matter how much I do, people who don't know me will take one look at me and think, "Look at her! She can't even hardly walk because she's fat!" They won't for one second think, "Wow! She must have been walking for a long time!" or "She must've had a rough weekend." Any stumble or limp that I might show will not illicit the same responses they would if I were skinny. In fact, they're likely to no illicit any responses, in fear of offending me. They will assume it is because of my weight and pass by thinking that of me. If I were skinny and suddenly walking with a limp, they would show some interest or concern and ask what happened, perhaps. But not the fat girl. Sometimes I let this frustration with misinterpretation of me and my situation weigh me down...until I remember to tell myself one simple thing. You're just not that special.

That may sound awful, but it's true. I'm not that special to complete strangers that they will spend so much time thinking about me. Many have troubles and struggles of their own and might not even notice me. There is nothing exceedingly important or special about me to make them take notice and wonder anything about me or my life. And just because I may be a "make up a story for a stranger" type of person, I need to realize that others are not like that. In truth, I don't take up that large of a portion of their thoughts unless I know them or they know me. And those that really know me, will know better and will show concern or interest and ask what happened.

As for what happened? I'm pretty sure it has to do with not eating enough and not eating the right foods. I ate what was there. I ate until I was full without considering calorie counts. And, especially Saturday - the day of the big hike, I ate what I needed to allow others to have what they needed. I fed the dog nearly half my sandwich because he needed to eat as well...and it was my job to care for him. That was what was important in that moment. I was not exceedingly hungry, but I could have used better fuel. And I could sit here and wish I would have done this or that, or I can focus on what I did do.

A 389 pound woman hiked through Old Man's Cave and the Hocking Hills area for 5 and a half hours. She didn't give up, even when she could, even though she seriously considered it and even voiced that opinion many times. She may have cried in desperation, but she completed the task and did not force her family members to take care of her. She carried the bookbag containing the snacks/lunch, and carried the map, and led the way many times (even though she probably shouldn't have), and sometimes carried the gallon water jug. She took care of her family and made sure they were safe. She took pictures of them so that they could share with their children and grandchildren the story of the 5.5 hour hike through Hocking Hills.

I gave myself a night to enjoy something I haven't done in so long. We got Chinese takeout and movies and had a family night in front of the TV. And I didn't let myself think about what I wasn't doing. I didn't log anything or make myself sick with "what would they think" thoughts. Instead, I let myself be me...because no matter what size I am, I will always need to be me from time to time. Having a Chinese Movie Night or even a Pizza Movie Night every once in a while is not a bad thing...it is something we all enjoy. We giggle and enjoy ourselves. We spend time together as a family. I won't give that up for anything. I just can't do it every day...or even once a week. Maybe once a month or once every other month will make me feel like I'm still me.

So I'm not giving in or giving up. I gave myself the night off, yes, but now I'm back on the horse and ready to ride this out for a while again. I know this is hard, I've been through this before. And I know how frustrating each week can seem, until the day you turn around and realize how much you've really done. No, 30 pounds isn't much considering how much I still have to lose, and losing another 20 pounds will only put me back where I should already be in the downward path, but I'm working harder than I ever have and I'm going to have a fit and lean body...which should make this road a lot easier to walk down this time. I lost a pound (in fact, if you go by today I gained one *lol* Silly sodium..it's no joke people!!). Good. Now what? Another pound to get rid of. (Oh, and I've been thinking about rewarding myself with a tattoo after I get back down to 366.6 - the first century mark. Still considering but it's sounding better and better every day!)

Weigh-in goal for next week: 385
I just want it to be lower than any number I saw this week! *lol*
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    This blog is so heartbreaking!! I want to say encouraging things, about how weight loss takes time, and about how absolutely beautiful and inspiring you are (TRUE!!!), but instead, I have a couple of other things to say.

    I have never been obese. I have never even been overweight! But I lose and regain the same 15-30 lbs over and over and over and over...(you get the point) and I get damn SICK of dieting!!! You have had to not only lose 15-30 lbs over and over and over...and KEEP IT OFF...you've ALSO not yet reached a final goal! No relief, no breaks, no notice from others (excluding those closest to you....)...etc, etc. Basically, you are my HERO. This IS harder for you...A LOT harder. You are soooo much tougher than SOOO many of us "skinny" girls!!!

    It hurts my heart to read about the way other people treat you. As you know, I grew up with an overweight sister (5'0, 300 ish lbs), and people treated her sooo terribly. I HATED IT!!! She was always sooo considerate at the expense of her OWN comfort, and nothing but sweet. She took all the blame onto herself, and I think she even felt like she deserved it! That is just awful. She suffers constant anxiety over what others think, from the extra time she needs to walk, to the possibility of not fitting through a turnstile. These are things other people aren't aware of...and that's what I want to say to you.

    No one notices the vast majority of inconveniences you are anxious about when it comes to your weight. I never knew what tiny inconveniences my sister worried endlessly about (airplane seats, car space, theme park rides) until she voiced it in her 30s. Most people are amazed, impressed, and supportive of your desire to do what anyone else can do. Sure, there are the retarded A-holes who have NEVER been obese, or who have never watched the suffering of a loved one who is, who think that you shouldn't be allowed out, shouldn't wear bathing suits or tank tops, who judge you before they even know your name or the color of your EYES...but who are they to you?? I'll tell you who they are to me...

    Ignorant jerks who are one day going to be invited to a face punch marathon hosted by yours truly ;)

    I'm soooo very proud of you for the hard work you put into that trip, you are AMAZING!!! I recently did a six mile hike (3 miles up, 3 back down), and it kicked my ASS!!!!! You are incredible!!!!

    I could go on, but I HAVE to stop. Keep up the hard work, girlie...I can't WAIT to see you reach your goal!! I want you to reach yours more than I want to reach MINE!! You are much adored, and supported :)

    3970 days ago
    Pull out that tape measure, see what you get. You might be pleasantly surprised! Change up what you've been eating and see if that helps with more weight loss. The name of the game is adaptation, figuring out what works for you. AND YOU ARE AMAZING. You have done so incredibly well, and it's just the beginning girl. I'm so happy for you, you have done so well. You are going to continue to do amazing things.

    P.S. I love the tattoo idea as a reward!
    3970 days ago
  • NOLO88
    I agree on the taking measurements. This week I gained 2 pounds but lost inches. So even when the scale isn't going down as much as you'd like, the tape measurer does! Keep Truckin'! There is a happy ending!
    3971 days ago
    You are an amazing woman.An inspiration to me and many others i am sure. Know i am pulling for you for all of us .I have felt like you many many times and you put it so well.We are always our worst critics!!!Thank you for saying what many of us feel. emoticon emoticon
    3971 days ago
  • no profile photo CD375712
    You are my hero! And some of the noise in your head matches the noise in mine... You are extraordinary, amazing, and strong, and you motivate me. Thank you from the bottom of my heart!! If I were there I would hug you. Then we'd both cry and feel dorky. So you get a Spark-hug from me instead!


    And more thanks for your honesty, grit and determiniation. I am cheering for you now as hard as I will be when you hit your goal weight.


    3971 days ago
    You should be proud! I know how you feel though. I have been too sick to exercise or eat all week then I cried when I saw I had only lost half a pound. This is the least I have lost since I have started this journey. I know I have been horribly sick, even ended up in the ER, but I want so much to power through and I hate that I can't do that always!
    3971 days ago
    I don't know that I can say anything that has not already been said but I want to remind you that have made tremendous acheivements. No one is perfect and your chinese movie night is fine in moderation. I am glad you aren't giving up because you inspire me to give it more. Keep it up girl! emoticon
    3971 days ago
    You said, "30 lbs isn't much considering how much I have to lose." While that might be your "truth," that doesn't define who you are. I'll tell you what... you and I started this program on the same day...and I have not lost 30 lbs. The last time I stepped on the scale (6/4), I had lost 15 lbs. Today? I have no idea. I will step on the scale on 7/4 and a number will be there. I will probably have lost more than 15 lbs. Two months, three months or six months later, we will be stepping on scales and we will see a number. It is just a number and it doesn't define who you are. As long as you keep monitoring what you eat and exercise everyday, you are getting healthier. Becoming healthier is your goal. Being around for your kids and their kids is your goal. It's not a race. I know you want this weight gone (NOW), and it is going. A pound at a time, it is leaving you. Slow and steady, you are doing it. And by the way, I never thought for one minute that you would give up.
    3971 days ago
    Your other commentors have already summed up my thoughts, but, in short--you -do- kick ass for doing that. I would be too intimidated to have attempted it before being healthier. I might not even do it now!

    You're kind of right and kind of wrong in that you're not special. You're special because you've got the kind of drive and determination that is so hard to come by on this weight loss journey. But that's from me reading your blog and knowing you. You're "not special" in that strangers (especially these days) are much more absorbed in themselves and looking at themselves in every shiny surface to take notice of you.. So don't worry about how they might be criticizing or juding you.

    I'm glad you didn't give up :) I rather like hearing about your weight loss journey as it inspires me to stay on my own.
    3971 days ago
    You are way too hard on yourself. You are so strong and amazing and doing incredible things and you don't have to prove yourself to ANYONE. Who cares what people think? You're right... half of them are probably not paying attention to anyone else at all really and other are probably thinking "good for her for being out exercising" and other people are gonna think mean things and who cares? They are the type of people who are thinking mean things about anyone they can pick out to put down to feel superior themselves. Stay strong and remember this journey is about YOU and not anyone else!
    3971 days ago
  • BECKYB73
    Do you take measurements? I didn't lose an ounce this week, yet when I measured my waist, I was a half inch smaller. Granted, a half inch isn't a whole lot when you've got like 30 inches to lose, BUT it's progress that you can't measure on the scale. The scale is only one dimension of your journey, there's so many other valuable victories that make up your final destination. I always try to remember that it took me nearly 10 years to get this big and it's not going to come off in a matter of months, no matter how hard I work. The only guaranteed way for you, me and the rest of the Sparkverse to fail is if we stop trying and give up. You're too much of a fighter for that, sister. I'm glad you're back on track.
    3971 days ago
  • SUGIRL06
    You are doing so fabulous! You shouldn't put yourself down for all your accomplishments. I can see that you know this and you will soon enough work through it and those thoughts won't even cross your mind. It will take time but you are on the right path. You hiked 5 hours!!! That is crazy. I think plenty of people would have a hard time keeping up with you! And you are right on the stranger thing. To them, you barely cross their minds. Maybe think of something to tell yourself when you start to think thoughts like that (Oh he thinks this about me!) and instead turn it around (You are beautiful and on your way to a healthy life!). Soon enough, those thoughts will be gone!

    You are doing great and are on the right path. Just keep your head high knowing you can do anything!
    3971 days ago
    You are pretty bad-a$$ hiking for 5 1/2 hours at Old Man's Cave (I'm only about 25 minutes from there), overweight or not! That is an awesome accomplishment, screw the scale & screw those stupid boys! Keep the faith and never give up! And remember that there are people who find you inspirational and look to you to find some motivation!!!
    3971 days ago
    Lady, you are awesome! I know how you feel, I let my own thoughts defeat me too often also. I admire your bravery for sharing so deeply and so intimately with us. You'll be in my prayers... for you to have strength and to draw from inside yourself that you may remember these things you have said and to not feel so badly when those negative thoughts start creeping up again.
    3971 days ago
  • SUFRY3
    Whatever you do don't give up. Just take baby steps that's all. Also, don't rely too heavily on your scales, from personal experience I worked very hard, exercised more than ever before, ate so healthy and ended up gaining 3 pounds. Take body measurements, that is much more an accurate count of losing and maintaining.
    3971 days ago
    Never, never, never give up. Just keep on :)
    3971 days ago
  • KARVY09
    Please stop being so hard on yourself. I know it can be difficult, but you need to love yourself NO MATTER WHAT. Even if you slip up, even if you don't feel like you're 100% because YOU ARE WORTH IT. You are not going to be a better person when you lose the weight. You may feel better. You may be happier, healthier. But you will not be a better person.

    This is heartbreaking to read because I'm reading a story about someone who is doing things RIGHT. Who is enjoying herself in moderation and working this healthy lifestyle. Be proud of the woman who has LOST MORE THAN 80 POUNDS. You are worth it.
    3971 days ago
  • BAKER1009
    You are such a strong woman! This blog was a seriously great read. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts with us. Keep on going, you are SOOOO worth it...and you are just that special to us here!
    emoticon emoticon
    3971 days ago
    You go, girl!!! As a 178-lb woman who could not hike for 5 1/2 hours, you have my utmost respect!!! I want to get to where you are!!! Good for you for getting back on the horse!
    As for what those "others" are thinking of you... you had it wrong. They are not special enough to be kind and considerate of others. Blow them off, and think about your supportive, loving husband and kids. Be proud of what you've accomplished!

    Thank you for sharing this... it put my past week (of -0- weight loss, but also -0- weight gain) back into perpective. emoticon
    3971 days ago
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