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Losing my grip, or temporary slip......

Monday, May 31, 2010

I don't really know what's with me lately, and don't really know who to talk to.......

First, I LOVE Sparks......I adore my team, Columbia, SC team. I'm even one of the co-leaders, and have lost over 25 lbs collectively since becoming a member in 2007. Lately, I'm have lost desire to post on here, or to even participate in the SparkRallies. I missed April's and May's, and will probably miss June's. I'm still exercising, and eating healthy. I still try to set a positive example for my two sons, ages 7, and 5. I believe my blood sugar slipped out of control recently, (I'm diabetic), but I'm on the way back on track (taking meds as prescribed). I recently cleaned my side of the bedroom, and realized how SLOPPY I'd allowed myself to be. Proudly, I'm improving, by placing my things where they belong.

Losing interest in playing saxophone for the church, or maybe I'm not finding the drive to practice, as I once had. Poetry writing has stopped, as have the motivation to complete the writing of a novel. My body aches in places I'm used to, and in places I'm not used to. My wife isn't really 'there' for me, as she has more important or pressing issues in her life, such as best friend woes, Facebook, and other matters. My friends, limited as they are in number, aren't available for talks as I need them. So, most of my conversations are with God. The month of May feels like the once powerful train I'd become has derailed, car, by car. I feel part of my self trying to get back on track, and part of me is asking, "why bother?" This inner storm is what's bothering me, and somehow, even in posting this, I don't feel better, only worse. My sleeping is affected by nightmares, reflux, traveling thoughts of unresolved issues, or just plain insomnia. THERE...I've put it out there. I'm trying NOT to give up. But I feel myself slippimg......

But I am slipping with my Sparks participation and I don't know why. I LOVE when I encourage others, but seem to have difficulty encouraging myself right now. This seems STRANGE and emabarrassing to admit. Shouting out for help makes me feel like a burden because I want to be an example to others of how to progress....NOT be a letdown.
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  • SAX_88
    TERRIFIC advice, Shy.....And I'm coming around, with God's Grace and with an encouraging wife, and loving sons. Not meaning to exclude my wonderful sparkfriends on here. May was a month filled with darkness for me. June has been a very wonderful month, so far.

    Cheers, my friend!
    3809 days ago
  • no profile photo SHYTOWN7
    Sax, I can so clearly relate to what you are going through and as much as I love Sparkpeople, circumstances in my life have caused me to stray way off course and not put myself first. The sadness that can overcome me had for a while and it takes a physical and spiritual effort to keep it at bay. As great as all of us supporting you can make you feel, it is only temporary. God is the true source of peace and contentment and I can only encourage you to think on the benefits of being an "heir" to His kingdom. Strengthen yourself with His word so that you can rebuke those nightmares that are becoming a stronghold in your life, b/c with Christ you can do all things and that includes getting a peaceful night's rest. I struggle with sleep sometimes and I'm not sure people realize how much of an impact it can have on the rest of your life when you are not getting enough rest. You are gifted with a wonderful, caring, and attentive wife, so when you get down, lean on her, that's why God gave her to you. I find myself internalizing a lot for the same reasons you have, you don't want to burden your spouse, but she's there with you, you have to let her in though or she'll be none the wiser. Be encouraged and let the Word strengthen you! emoticon
    3813 days ago
  • SWTRED65
    WOW Babe,I didn't know that you felt I was pushing you away. I have inquired about what's going on with you but didn't want to be too pushy when you appeared to not want to talk. I'm here for you and hopefully always will be. I've been concerned about your nightmares for a long while and now finding myself thinking about your diabetes and wondering if your aches and lacking is a side effect.

    It pains me that I don't know what to do but know that I do want to do something. So give me some direction...again, I'm here for you to listen, to laugh, to love. Let's not allow this funk to linger too long. I LOVE YOU VERY MUCH!! emoticon
    3827 days ago
    Sax, I'm so glad you wrote this out loud. We all go through these times at points in our lives, and it really helps to hear other people say it. You are an encouragement to me!

    In some ways it kind of feels like you're coming to a bit of a crossroad. And the thing I've learned about crossroads is that I can make a turn to change my life or I still have the option of going straight - straight down the same path of apathy, or whatever my vice is at the time.

    I hope you're able to take some time to sort through all these realizations you're having. And I pray that you will find the spark you need to spur you on towards change.

    I'm so so so so very glad to see you back on our Columbia, SC team!!!! Maybe we can get some stuff going to help each other find motivation.

    Lots and lots of hugs to you and your family!
    3827 days ago

    Comment edited on: 6/2/2010 8:10:56 AM
    Dear Sax,

    This is the first time I read your blog but I'm glad I did. Please continue to look for friends on facebook but at the same time perhaps it would be a good idea to ask your family to get together and write a vision statement. Or ask them where they see your family 2 years from now.

    It might help if you and your wife could sit down together and you could ask her to read your blog. I know that I didn't realize my ex-husband was feeling left out until it was too late when he found somebody else to listen to him. Ask her to listen and love you. You have children. You have a reason to invest in each other.

    I hope I'm not coming off as too preachy but sometimes going through these valleys means its time to pull the family together and ask everybodoy to work together for a goal that everyone can agree one.

    Sometimes we need to focus on family. Focus of music, focus on poetry, and all that we need to focus on.

    I don't know you very well but I'll put you in my prayers tonight and pray that you will talk with your wife and ask her to read your blog from today. Ask her to help you feel more connected and less like your slipping. Don't slip away from your family or friends especially spark friends. We need everybody in our communty.

    You are in my prayers.

    3829 days ago
  • POSEY440
    I am so sorry things are just not right for you. I have been in funk too, and not sure why. Wonder if it is in the planets coming Aline or something. Not sure what is going on but been hearing it a lot lately. I can relate because i have had some of the same thoughts. I ahave bee here almost 9 months and I am questioning why I am doing this lately. So please do not give up and I will not either. Thanks for the comment on my blog it means a lot to me guy so please hang in there. emoticon
    3829 days ago
    Oh, Sax, please do not give up. I need you here. I'm trying to make arrangements for becoming leader of this group. Maybe together we can get this nice little group turned around and become interesting again. I'll keep you posted; don't know what SP's reply will be yet, but was encouraged by one person and she is forwarding my inquiry to the proper authority. Lately, it's been just you and I -- I hope our group will grow both in support of one another and membership. I have even neglected you/team because I have been so involved with my BuGS BLUES team. We sat lots of goals and I've learned a lot from being on the group. That's how I became inspired to ask for leadership of this little group.

    As far as slipping, I still do so; I am not perfect by far but I am inspired by Spark People and enjoy the site so much. As for losing interest I can see why with the lack of response from other team members on a regular basis. Again, I hope to see this turn around. Please hang in there--let's work at this together. Sounds like you have a nice start by being able to blog what's on your mind and see yourself more clearly now.

    My personal thanks for NEXT30YEARS for her encouragement of you as well. We do care about you and how you are feeling.
    3829 days ago
    Please continue to blog. Allow SP to support you. Sounds like you are getting back on track...cleaning out clutter physically and mentally.

    Do it for yourself. You deserve it.
    3829 days ago
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