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You I Cannot Judge

Monday, May 03, 2010


There are water restrictions in my area. This is because of a huge water main break in Weston. It's affecting 2 million people. It coincides with the first real heat wave of the year. It happened the day we ran the second 5K of the year. But I cannot see running right now. Because in order to get any water, you've got to boil it if it's not bottled. You should see the production line at my house. Pot, lid, every thermos, every jug, anything with a lid. The measuring cup with the funnel. Careful, don't spill it.

So, I need to run more. I know I need to, as the running parts of both 5Ks this year have had me laboring for breath, my chest hurting and stinging. But running isn't possible.

And don't tell me to go to my gym. They're under the water restrictions as well. Plus, well, I'm just blocked. I cannot and do not want to return there. Not now. It is not going to be a good thing to push me to go, so kindly do not.

Motivation is a tricky, elusive beast. And I know myself. If I am pushed too hard, it will retreat even further. It will hide away and cover itself with a veil.

So are you hearing me? If you want to tell me to go to the gym, tell someone else, okay? Because it will do damage here. Thank you for respecting that.

And I know, I know, I know. I don't need to hear it. I know what I need to do, what I SHOULD do, what would be a good idea, yadda yadda yadda, yeah, I get it. It is not information that I need. It is not that. You will think it is a thousand excuses, and you need to let me have them for now.

I need to regroup. And I need for you all to let me do that. Without the pushing. Without the call to go forth and do a lot of amazing things. Right now amazing is out of reach.

It is not that I am not doing anything. I ran two damned 5Ks in less than a month, for God's sake.

And I am walking, and doing ST every single day, like always. It is the going beyond that is elusive, so I am here at the minimum, living at this moment rather than at that one, the one with all of the extras.

I am reminded of the scene in the film "Office Space" where Jennifer Aniston gets fired. Her boss asks her, "What would you think of the person who only does the bare minimum?" And we are talking about a waitressing job, it's not like it's a major career for her or anything. She ends up flipping him off and leaving. And it's a little bit like that. Right now, I am going to do what, for me, is the bare minimum. Why? Because it's easy. And because it is ... what's the word? Sufficient. Sufficient means hanging around, more or less, at this weight and not losing for a while. It means taking a bit of a break from the hot and heavy treadmill.

Because, well, because I've been doing this for a few years already. I've had more than one person ask me if I'm on maintenance. No. Not really. I've got a good 35 plus to go or so. But right now I want to rest, and test the maintenance waters a tad. What is life like, to not be trying to lose? To be, well, just to be? Not to just hang around and do nothing. That, sadly, is not maintenance. That is, for pretty much all of us what we call, regaining. Regaining is not my intention here. I just want to coast a bit, let the really hard work go and see what happens.

Motivation may come back tomorrow. It may come back after vacation (coming in 10 days, thank God!). Or it may take longer than that. Yelling at it to come back, like a Drill Sergeant, is not going to do me any favors. It's time to nurture it. It's time for me to stop and take stock right now.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Hug. I hear ya. About a year ago, I hit what I felt was a good place and tried maintenance and it is tricky. It stayed a couple of months and then the slips started, and a two week slip would turn into 2 lbs gained. As I hit about 5 lbs gained, I'd try to restart the losing process, but I'd stall out with a whimper and a fizzle. It is super tough to find motivation after we've been at this a while. I am about 9 lbs up (eek!).

    Anyway, we'll figure it out. There are lots of ways to live a healthy lifestyle and you might even drop some weight if you focus only on keeping the truly bad moments at bay. I hope you are stellar at being "sufficient"!
    3861 days ago
    I am also just reading this now, but I KNOW you have water again. You know, I think taking a time out and maintaining is a fine thing to do. I was just contemplating the idea of a week on, a week off -- working hard to lose one week, then coasting for a week -- as way to get to goal. Because that's sort of what I've done since my vacation. I'm on Week 3, which means there's a tiger in my tank right now!

    I hear you on the long time though... I frankly got a little BORED with Spark this winter -- and it's only been two years for me. I coasted. I maintained. And then... yup.. I started to gain. Before I knew it I had 18 extra pounds on the hiney, which was a major wake up call. So I've reduced that to 11, and am working to get the rest of it off. I'm too damn determined to quit before I reach goal. But none of us have any deadlines.

    You're going through a tough time -- I say that you're smart to recognize that and do what YOU need for you, not what anyone else sez you need.

    Hang in there! We ARE here for ya!
    3861 days ago
    I am behind on SP, and am just reading this. I trust the water restrictions are lifted by now...what a hassle.
    I hope you're getting what you want out of this regrouping period. You'll need to figure out what's required to maintain so why not, to your point, test the waters now? There's no deadline, no clock ticking. I'm glad you recognized that you needed this time to regroup and recharge. Sounds like a good frame of mind to have as you head toward your vacation.
    3862 days ago
    I don't see anything wrong with taking a little maintenance break. I think it's great that you know what you need and can express it so well. So chill out, maintain, have fun on vacation. When you are ready it will all come together again.
    3864 days ago
    You sound thirsty, downright parched in fact, for a break and some fun. Baby steps sound like they're definitely in order. A bit of sideways sliding looking for a new path though, while you catch your breath, is likely a smart move instead of trying to dig through a brick wall with you and everyne else breathing down your back.

    I wonder who this message was for here, telling someone not to yell or cajole? To just give you some space and trust that you'd be ok. Was it meant for you? That's a bit what it sounds like to me. I hope you hear you if that's who it's for.

    And now for a song...

    You deserve a break today,
    So get up, get on you way...

    Uh-oh. That's not a good song for this site...

    To McDonalds (where you enjoy the healthiest thing on their menu, water. Haha)
    3864 days ago
    You'll do it, you'll get there...after all that you have accomplished I'd say a "pause" and re-grouping is in order. Just know that your SparkFamily is here, we think the world of you and your achievements and we know that you'll pull through this when you're ready.

    3866 days ago
    Duplicate comment? How did that happen? *sigh*
    3866 days ago

    Comment edited on: 5/6/2010 7:06:22 AM
    You've been going at full-speed for months now, overachieving like crazy, keeping your motivation and spirits up in the face of all kinds of obstacles.

    It makes sense that you might need a breather. Hang in there. Some days sufficient is just fine!
    3866 days ago
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    Motivation comes and goes.

    Just be my friend!!

    umm water restrictions NOT cool when you want to shower when you get up, shower when you are hot or in a bad mood, shower after you workout...reminds me of growing up. I swear we never had enough hot water. So we would boil, carry buckets...that's if we had water. Yup those were the days lol
    3866 days ago
    You know yourself best. Maybe your body and mind are telling you to ease up a bit. You have enough experience not to binge or lie in bed all day! Trust yourself. Be kind to yourself. You deserve it.
    3867 days ago
    I love your honesty.
    3867 days ago
    I am not going to tell you to do anything but to do what is right for you. I know exactly how you feel. I am not the lest bit worried about you. Like you said.You know what to do and when you are ready you will do it. I agree with everything you just said. Have a good day today emoticon
    3868 days ago
    I'm trying this "Eat Vegan for a Month" thing, and my son asked me yesterday if it wasn't just the hardest thing ever. I said that depending on the place you are in life, things like that are either impossible, or surprisingly easy. It all depends on that elusive mindset, which I can't seem to find the key to. Sometimes, things are easy ... sometimes, they're impossible ... and I think a wise person knows not to fight the upstream battle during those impossible times!

    So go forth, wise, woman! Know thyself and respect the mystery!
    3868 days ago
  • no profile photo CD4749243
    Shucks, Sugar. Take a break! Smell the flowers. You're owed.
    3868 days ago
    My fantastic friend, I won't shout at you to go to the gym! As I wrote in my latest blog, we can't be ON all the time, and it is healthy to go slowly. I'm sure you know what to do and recognize forward momentum when you see it. With all the stuff in your life right now, it's no wonder you're regrouping.

    Sometimes treading water is all we can do, and you know what? - It's enough! It really is. The bare minimum for you TODAY is totally different to the bare minimum for you BEFORE. Just think about how much improvement you have seen in quite a short while - I'm convinced our minds need to catch up with our bodies from time to time.

    Listen to yourself, be your own greatest fan/friend and treat yourself well. And catch the motivation/inspiration as it flies by. It IS there. emoticon
    3868 days ago
    Right on schedule!

    Silly Milly and I send support and licks. Well, she sends licks. I send support.
    3868 days ago
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