Why I Leave Them There - W2.D5
Thursday, April 29, 2010
I'm getting ready to leave work yesterday to head to class. Each time I go to close the door on my office, I take a last look to make sure I haven't forgotten anything. Each time I take a look for lost items, I see four miniture peanut butter cups in my candy dish. Each time I see those scrumptious morsels, I ask myself if I want one. And then I curse myself for not throwing them out or giving them away yet. And I tell myself I'll do it tomorrow. And I don't.
A few moments ago I walked by them again. In one glance I thought, "Hello, boys! Sorry I've left you there so long, but I'm really just not in the mood." They tried to protest, I heard them. I smiled a little, winced - I had to let them down easy. "I've just been doing so good lately. I've been treating my body with the respect it deserves and it has felt great every single day. I just can't give that up. Not right now." They frowned. I think I saw one cry. "Maybe tomorrow," I lied. They tossed me a weak smile and nodded before hanging their heads and going back to being simple little peanut butter cups. (You know...the kind that can't talk.)
I closed my door and walked down the hall. When the door shut, I remember thinking, "That felt good. It's getting easier!" And I asked myself - Is THIS why I leave them there? I've been telling myself for 2 weeks that I will throw them away. I've been telling myself to do away with "temptation" in every corner of my life. But each day I have left those 4 little buddies there to greet me the next morning.
Perhaps, unconciously, I realize that I need to show myself every day that I CAN say no. Perhaps I'm saving them for an occasion where I think, "Man, I'd really like some chocolate about now." I know these occasions. I know how quickly they can turn (for me at least) into a shopping spree followed by a carefully laid out smorgasbord of assorted goodies from each of the candy food groups (chewy, crunchy, cookie, cake, and creamy). So if I have these 4 little peanut butter cups on my desk, they may, in fact, act as "lifesavers" in that I avoid the store, gobble one up, and give myself the credit for not eating all four at once.
Today it felt good to turn them down. It might be more difficult later, around the 4:00 hour when I'm feeling a little sluggish from a grueling day of work-school-work-school-work. Maybe it will be the moment I decide to give one the satisfaction of melting it's way in my mouth. Maybe not. Either way...until further notice I've decided that I need them there. And that is where they will stay.
(They smiled at me when I said that. They're deathly afraid of that big black trash can in the corner...)