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It Was Bound to Happen, Sooner or Later - W2.D4

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Last night I freaked out. I went "crazy naggy crabby wife" on my husband and he just stood there staring at me. All the positivity buildup from the past two weeks was gone and I was ready to let out my former b*tch to play once more. As word vomit spewed from my mouth I tried to interject little apologies, but they weren't making it very far and didn't sound very sincere.

All of this happened over the stupidest thing - dinner. This week has gone pretty well so far - I had meals planned for Sunday and made enough for leftovers Monday and Tuesday for lunch (and even Monday's dinner was leftover stir fry). So Tuesday rolls around and I think, "Well, I'm out of ideas...it's hubby's turn to make something now!" Unfortunately, I kinda forgot to communicate this information/expectation to my husband. (Who, though I love him with every bit of me, doesn't know how to work at full-speed Esther mode.)

On the drive back to the house I decided I wanted to walk, because I've signed up for the 100 Consecutive Days workout challenge, and I already had 4 days consecutive to build upon. I got home while the sun was still out and went in the house to ask hubby and the kids if they wanted to join me on my walk. All agreed and we piled ourselves and the dog into the car and headed down to the kids' school (where, coincidentally, my boys had just won medals for walking so many miles around the track and, therefore, they knew that 6 laps = 1 mile). Hubby started walking with me, but then wanted to play basketball with the boys. I walked the dog around another 2 laps before joining in on the game. (Which means I worked out for 20 minutes last night, 10 mintues longer than I had my goal set for a "non-workout night"!)

We get back home and I turn to hubby and say, "So...what are you cooking for dinner?" He looked confused and said he wasn't making anything and figured he'd just grab something from the fridge for himself. And that's when all hell broke loose. I'm ashamed to say it...but I went a little nutty in that moment. I had no idea what to fix (and I distinctly remembered at the grocery store on Friday that he had picked out 3 meals to make and I picked 2, and I had already done my 2 and he'd only done 1 - so didn't he have 2 more planned?) and I went tearing through the kitchen cursing at each and every box saying, "I need to hit my goals today! I can't lose all this progress today! I have to eat a bunch of calories and some carbs and not a lot of fat and I can't find ANYTHING in here that I can make that will work with that and what am I going to do?!" (I took a breath after that, because...well, I obviously needed it after that. - makes me wonder how much energy I spend in these moments...do they have b*tching on the fitness tracker?)

So, yes, I had a minor freakout moment when I found that the hamburgers my husband had bought really weren't that bad, and I, logically, could fit them in my nutrition plans. And as I added cheese and ketchup and mayo and a bun, with each addition I felt more guilty. THIS WAS NOT HEALTHY FOOD! I thought my heart was going to break as I took bites reminding myself "I need to get my calories in" and then cursing at myself for not planning a better dinner. (All the chicken breast was frozen...and stuck to the aluminum foil because hubby packed it wrong...and I had no clue what to do with it in that state!)

I begrudgingly posted everything on my nutrition tracker and saw that I was within my limits, but I still felt in a sour mood like I had failed. Why do we continually talk about failure? It took a 20 minute self-pep-talk to remind myself that I was within my goals, that I had worked out on a non-scheduled night, that I had been good otherwise throughout the day, and that one cheeseburger was better than the two I would've eaten 3 weeks ago (and would have probably served alongside some chips with an ice cream chaser). It took me talking myself down from the ledge to be able to settle my inner monster, who kept laughing in my face and telling me I was a Loser (note the capital L).

I have come to realize that I was exhausted yesterday. I stayed up the night before writing an article in order to submit it to my class on time. I think I stayed up the night before that as well. And probably the night before that too. So, I guess what I REALLY needed to plan better was my sleeping arrangements (which I will try to work on , but probably won't change much until I finish school --- just 2.5 weeks left!).

Today is better. Today I will get some work done and feel like a productive member of my work community. Today I will finish some homework I've been avoiding and let myself off the hook for not finishing it Sunday (in order to go hang out and work out with my boys...because that time was precious to me!). Today I will smile and laugh and remind myself that everyone has days like these and remind myself that I am strong, brave, and hard-working. Today I will remind myself that I am a beautiful, wonderful, independent, compassionate, and loving woman. Today I will both forgive and love myself.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • KILA1228
    Been there, down that! emoticon My hubby is big on ordering out on his days to cook! I learned to stock the freezer with healthier stuff. I have frozen turkey burgers that can be cooked straight from the box. It's boring but I have it just in case the hubby wants to order out and I don't want to ruin the calorie count for the day. Don't stress to much, we all have those days, put it behind you and forget it!!! emoticon
    4026 days ago
  • JAKI1027
    Hey keep telling yourself school is almost over and thats ONE burden off you for a little while! I have those freakouts too! and im so glad to see so many other people have them. at least we aren't alone!!!! Have a better day! your doing great!!!
    4026 days ago
    I honestly had 5 healthy quick serve dinners in the freezer, but I've been so freaked out over sodium content lately that I just didn't take the bait there. (Plus, I have this weird thing about - if I'm at home, I want a homecooked meal (even if it was just tator tots in the microwave or a bagel in the toaster) becuase I eat those dinners at work all the time.) I just realized I have really strange habits and expectations! *lol*
    4026 days ago
    This is a learning experience! You need a few "go to" meals on hand for when no one feels like cooking or has the foggiest notion what to whip up for dinner. My favorites...salmon burgers with sweet potato fries, kashi pizza with a bunch of added veggie toppings and all natural chicken pot stickers (steamed) with a huge bowl of edemame.
    4026 days ago
    We all have to learn to be a little nicer to ourselves - myself included - and understand that the good is outweighing the bad. I kept repeating this to myself last night when I had 1/2 cup of full-fat ice cream - incredibly delicious and I was determined to enjoy it! Cut yourself some slack - I'm sure your husband will appreciate it too emoticon
    4026 days ago
    You are doing great, and I hate to say this... but you freaking out makes me feel better hehe. I have freak outs about those things too sometimes, and now I feel more normal hehe.

    You deserve a treat here and there and if your in your calories even better! Don't feel like a failure, you only fail by giving up! Your not, you succeeded! Your not going to be able to plan every meal, and you will have to learn how to portion your meals. And having one hamburger is COMPLETELY reasonable. You did AMAZING!

    4026 days ago
    WOW!! What a rough day!! I went through a similar situation recently and found myself taking it out on my boyfriend... we even went to bed not speaking. I find myself wanting to let myself get all mean when really I am not even all that mad to begin with. I have been working out, which puts me in a better mood, but sometimes I find myself freaking out a little like the old me, out of habit - and it IS a waste of energy! I am glad you are feeling better today! You seem to be doing great!! emoticon
    4026 days ago
  • no profile photo CD6358019
    We all have those days...I had one yesterday myself and topped it off with mac and cheese that made me feel absolutely sick after I finished. I went over my calories...but you know what...today was a whole new day. I got my happy (not-so-happy really cuz I was feeling sluggish and tired and I really need to work on getting to bed earlier) butt outta bed and took my son to school and then hopped on my treadmill and walked for 90 minutes! I forgave myself for being short with my husband, son, and dog (oops) and they forgave me too, cuz hey...I'm momma. lol. So good for your for forgiving yourself and moving on. :)
    4026 days ago
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