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Why Should it Matter

Monday, April 26, 2010

www.youtube.com/watch?v=
wvZSdCTcS-A


I, I just don't know these days any more.

I'm in a funk. It's a bad one.

I'm normally feeling good this time of year. It's Spring and, sure, my allergies are out in full swing, but there's light and warmth amid the rain and, well, it doesn't seem to be enough right now.

It's a bunch of things, and certainly one of them is being up 4 lbs. this week but that's not really it, not really. That's not the big thing.

One thing that is going on is that I'd normally blame this on TOM but there's been no TOM for some 6 weeks or so. Now, I knew this would happen at some point in time. And I'm 47 1/2 years old already. At some point, you drop the peri from perimenopause. Perhaps this is the start of that, but it's annoying as I'd lose the quick weight loss bounce (or at least the blame!) from TOM and I feel like I've got PMS 24/7. And that's not just fun for me, it's a delight for Mr. J, too, I'm sure.

I'm not so sure how I feel about all of that. I've never, really, wanted to be a mother, and I still have no such desires in that area. I am crazy maternal about a lot of younger people (usually guys, maybe I'm just a cougar, eh?), though, so there's an outlet for that. I suspect a part of it is what it really means: you can run, and you can try to hide, but the push from youth to middle age is going to happen. And for we oh so privileged women, we have a clearer delineation. Men can lie to themselves about it a lot longer. They don't have the epic demarcation.

And, it is, of course, the whole career thing. The decision on that job remains delayed. Apparently there are three of us in contention for it. One competitor and I have already interviewed. The last one interviews some time this week -- the recruiter thought it might be tomorrow but he was unsure. Hence I'm on tenterhooks even longer.

I have been feeling crazy ambivalent about it for the entire time, ever since I applied for it.

It's stable.
It's not what I want.
It's good money.
It's not what I want.
It's a convenient commute.
It's not what I want.
It's a good company.
It's not what I want.
I could keep my gym.
It's not what I want.
I could see Mr. J for lunch on occasion.
It's not what I want.
It's good for my resume.
It's not what I want.
The people are nice.
It's not what I want.
I could do some web development.
Well, that's something.

The agony of waiting and feeling weird about the whole thing has been slipping into my dreams. I've dreamt of abandoning people. I've dreamt of organizing mountains of stuff. I've dreamt of going to the wrong places. All of these dreams come served up with a nice dollop of guilt a la mode and a side of you-don't-know-how-good-you've
-got-it.

I walk around (I've been avoiding/missing/not going to my gym, but I am still doing some things) and it dominates my thoughts. It lives and breathes in my consciousness. It has scooped out a big hole and taken up residence, tentacles and suckers and feeding off my emotions, which are crazy and mixed up because of what may be the end, the death, of the peri part of perimenopause.

In with all of this, I continue to work on my site, and I know I've been overly aggressive, and I know I'm being impatient and nuts but I want so badly for it to succeed. I have been in business for myself, once before, but it was over 20 years ago and I was doing freelance depositions. I hated it and didn't want to do it and was just going through the motions. Now it's different, and I am trying so hard and working seemingly all the time and it feels like nothing is coming of it. Now, I am well aware that these things take time and I am being crazy and nutty and ridiculous but at the same time my hormones and my thoughts and my jiggery insanity are saying, "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"

Are.
We.
There.
Yet???

We're not, I'm not. No, no, no, a thousand times no.

And then there's -- ha, you thought I was done! No, no, no, gentle reader -- the month in review. I want to lay it out there quickly, remind myself that avoiding the gym is not such a hot idea.

Measurements
Bicep 12.25"
Bust 36.75"
Band 33.25"
Waist 34.25"
Belly 36.34"
Keister/Hip (on me these are the same these days) 41.75"
Thigh 20.75"

None of these are personal bests but they're all decent. Bra fit calculators are insane, though, showing me 38AA (huh?), 40D (uh, I USED to be that) and 38C (kinda, sorta, those seem to work).

Energy Levels

Stinky. No other way to put it. Feeling weird and out of sorts, and not sleeping too well, will do that to you. I'm exercising anyway although I am staying away from the gym. Some of that is feelings/laziness, but there is another, practical reason, as I was feeling a pull in the left abs area and I'm trying to not aggravate/reinjure that. Hence there is a reason for pulling away that isn't just emotion-related. I did run a 5K recently, and did well. Another one is set for this Saturday. I love them and I will do them. But the euphoria, sadly, does not last.

Clothes, etc.

Things fit just fine, weird bra calculators notwithstanding. I fit into everything I own except for one size 10 skirt which is kinda small because it's lined. I can zip it but it's tight across the, er, across what I have in common with J. Lo.

What Else?

Well, you know it all. I don't know what I need, if it's a kick in the keister or a day in bed, but more likely it's just for time to pass. Patience is something that I have been practicing for so long that I'm fresh out. Sorry, no more for today. And I'm seeing that going around, my friends here in particular are tired, feel worn out and done even if they're not, impatient, impractical, imp imp impish, perhaps. Being out of sorts seems to be galloping through my networks, and not just here but on the site I manage, too, and among my fellow networkers. The area is poised to start hiring again, big time, but no company seems to want to go first.

Better idea: don't kick ME in the keister. Kick THEM.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • no profile photo CD4749243
    What can I say? Seems to be something going around and we've both caught it. 20 years apart. LOL

    Since I did a surgical menopause at 38, I have no idea what that might be like, but I think you're on the right track thinking about the patience factor. I'm fresh out myself so we'll have to find a new supply somewhere.

    Take care, haiku pal o' mine. emoticon
    3863 days ago
  • LAB-LOVER
    Sorry to hear that you've been down... maybe it's time to change something up a bit. A new challenge? How about a 5 miler as the next step up from a 5K? I know what you mean by races not giving you a lasting lift anymore. Today is a bee--you--ti--ful day... can you get some Vitamin D and take a long walk outside. Long walks are almost always good for my head.

    I'm still in peri and wanting IT to end, but I suppose that I will be less sure about that when it actually happens.

    And on the job thing.... life's short... if you're having those doubts, maybe its really NOT what you want... so hard to turn away a bird in the hand for one in a bush, but maybe...
    3863 days ago
  • no profile photo CD3248497
    The job is not what you want, but it's something. The worst part is waiting. To be honest, the job I am doing...I DO NOT WANT TO DO, but it's at a place where I can eventually do what I want. It has tons of opportunities.

    I have been avoiding the gym too and working out all together. Like I will do a little something here and there, but that's it. I don't know what has gotten into me. The boyfriend thinks it's the new job. Whatever.....

    Hope all is well!
    3863 days ago
  • DDOORN
    Hey...! Sorry so late to your blog...!

    PUSH yourself into some ACTION! It can be one of the BEST things for you overall right now!

    You are sounding so FROZEN and when I get that way nothing helps as much as MOVING!

    Kudos to you to lay it all right out there...your struggles...NOT an easy thing to do!

    Keep coming back!

    Don
    3864 days ago
  • NYAYNE
    Will be three years in July since I had "IT" I do have to say it made for weight gain. I wish I had had more signs of peri so I could have been more proactive.

    You can buy an OTC FSH test. I don't how it works but years ago the blood test for ovulation had to be done on day three. http://www.womentowomen.com/menopau
    se/fshtests.aspx

    Maybe I will just have to bring a couple of young Bostons down for a walk. I bet that will get you out of the blues.
    3864 days ago
  • BOOTS
    Jes...I had my pap smear today...doc says I am officially in menopause. No more perimenopause for me. I suspect it has been that way for a while. Your blog is so honest. I hope the funk passes quickly and you get a job that you love. Don't pass up opportinities to work out...it helps me on so many levels...even when I don't want to do it so much that I think I hate it. When I am done...I love it again.
    emoticon
    3864 days ago
  • QUEENOTHEFOREST
    Hi Hon

    I got help with the transition from Chinese herbs and acupuncture. It was dramatic. One treatment and all hell broke loose. I was normal again for 3 more years and without discomfort for the first time in my life. Then it just disappeared. Also I drank 2 cups of soy milk every day in a frozen smoothie made with a frozen banana. If I forgot for even one day I got a flash. If I drank my little concoction I was relieved.

    I'm not surprised you are in a funk. Sounds like you are beyond uncomfortable about being unemployed. While I wish you the best and your heart's desire I kinda hope something that you really want comes along before you get snapped up in a job that you will not love.

    It is great that you are able to run in races. Amazing in fact.
    3864 days ago
  • 4A-HEALTHY-BMI
    I skipped 3 months recently. It felt like one looooooooong PMS session, which in some ways I guess it was!

    Hang in there. I never wanted to have kids either, but you're right it's weird to have a body system shut down in such an obvious way. Most of the time I feel like I'm in my 20s or 30s, with all the energy and activities I'm doing; so it brings me up short to have to confront this issue.

    In the end, just like with the losing all along, it doesn't matter so much what you think or how you feel, but what you DO. So weather these times the best you can by getting out there and DOING what you know needs to be done (nutrition, exercise, etc. etc.) I wish I could say I always follow that advice myself, but it wouldn't be true. But I do try to remind myself about it, and when I do follow it, I start to feel better.

    Hang in there. You've been through a lot, lately. The intersection between hopes and reality can sometimes be painful.
    emoticon
    3865 days ago
  • MS.ELENI
    I know you have seen lots of doctors lately but have you been to a gynocologist.A good check up might be in order and could help some of your hormone action and feelings.
    The rest seems to be tied in with the uncertain future. If you can afford to you need to wait for job you want as it is very plain you do not want this job you are waiting to hear about. Maybe a day of doing nothing but resting would actually be a good idea. Rest your body and mind.
    Look at all you have done.You will get thru this bump in the road. Be kind to your self. emoticon
    3865 days ago
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