Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Ok...I'm feeling frustrated and need to get it out of my brain before it does bad things to me. This week has been bad. I am frustrated about a couple different things and that is sabotaging my eating. I'm not eating emotionally. Actually, I think I'm not eating enough. But its more I'm not eating enough of the right things. I haven't been able to get to the gym and I'm feeling like I need to start figuring out strength training. That aspect is intimidating to me and I don't know where to start. I feel like I am struggling and at this alone. Which, I am. I'm the only one who can change these aspects of my life. I'm the one who needs to lose the weight. I should be the one to encourage myself to make these changes that will make me feel better about myself, my self image etc, etc. Why do I feel like I can't or that its useless to change? Why do I sabotage myself. I get so frustrated. The negativity in my brain amazes me sometimes. I can be so positive about other things and other people but I can't stay positive about myself. Is there something wrong with me? I feel so stupid some days.
I don't tend to worry about much. I generally float along down this road of life. There are road blocks and diversions. But generally, I think I'm doing okay. My life not be the perfect thing I wish it could be. But there will always be something.
I am reading "The Spark". I read the chapter about goals. The things I want in my life, I just can't see happening. I desperately want to have a kid. Really, I want to have a child and I want to adopt. My current lifestyle doesn't really have a place for a child, let alone two. Nor do I have the money or insurance for children. My boyfriend is significantly older than me and I think the thought of a child terrifies him. He laughs to cover up his fear. I'm not a spring chicken anymore. I'm running out of years for childbirth. Each year that passes another part of my heart chips away. I keep the hope up, but I am closer and closer to just being childless. It just makes me sad.
These are the thoughts running around in my head today. It is gray and raining. Perhaps that is why I am feeling so blue.
FYI: Yes, I know women are having children later in life these days. I don't want to have a child at 40. I give props to the women who do. I just don't want to do it myself.