Hall of shame
Friday, April 09, 2010
I have these sudden attacks of complete hopelessness – I dont think I am depressed because mostly I feel determinated to work on and try more and hang in there…
But I can´t seem to stay away from binges and I have a hard time to get going in the mornings. I postpone jobs that I ought to start with and then I start feeling bad about postponing and suddenly all my current problems crash down on me and I get suicidal and have to concentrate on breathing slow and calm for a while.
Today I got scared of myself and phoned the hospital – psychic emergency. Talking to the nurse made me aware that whats eating me is – shame. I am so ashamed because I messed up my life so bad.
And my life has rarely been organized and balanced but I have been okay with my personality and thought that I was nice enough and loving enough and helpful enough – and that my shortcomings only bothered me and it was ok as long as it was only me suffering the consequences.
I have been a GREAT mother for nine years. In Sweden you are not supposed to brag about anything and I am not bragging but concerning my daughter – I am very proud of myself.
When she arrived – unplanned and very strange since I was 48 and she was my first (and only) child – I decided to commit myself to give her all that I would have wanted for myself.
I have been there and I have told her over and over that the world is a better place just because she exists and that I love her unconditionally. I gave up alcohol because I wanted to give her a mum that formed her own profile. I explored my world for people and activities that suited us both – we have gone to ”musical camp” together and we have made many excursions to interesting places. I have singed a lot with her and I created a musical for the church since she belongs to the children choir in the church. I was the chairman of the PTA in her school and when the school had the annual ”kid marathon” it was me who served drinks along the running path. I have been a good role model and an enthusiastic parent – and I have loved being so.
Mostly I am proud of my consistency – to me the most important thing for a parent is to be there. I have spent endless hours sitting by a playground or at the beach or in the woods – handing out towels and bandaids and lemonade and hugs, I have admired fantastic tricks in the trapeze, I watched dollshows and applauded trampoline acrobatics. I have taught her to cycle – and nearly killed myself cycling in the ditch when I tried to photograph her on our first cycle excursion. I admit that I have been really bored by all this ”stand-by” duty and I am so sad my mother died before I knew this – I would have liked to tell her how I appreciate all those dull hours she must have spent being stand-by for me and my siblings.
And now I refuse to see her – it hurts too much and I am afraid that my suicidal impulses will get to strong. And I am so ashamed that I am not stronger or more creative or more constructive. I am so ashamed that I hold her father in such contempt that I can´t keep a correct interaction with him.
I am also totally furious that I don´t get to be bored by my stand-by duty…
Hopefully I am going to get some help from a therapist – I can´t fathom what that help would be but maybe I need to talk about my shame a lot… I have not used my AA-groups for sharing about this, otherwise it should be the right place since there are so many people who has totally messed up their lives and made a comeback and have selfrespect and integrity today.