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Hall of shame

Friday, April 09, 2010

I have these sudden attacks of complete hopelessness – I dont think I am depressed because mostly I feel determinated to work on and try more and hang in there…

But I can´t seem to stay away from binges and I have a hard time to get going in the mornings. I postpone jobs that I ought to start with and then I start feeling bad about postponing and suddenly all my current problems crash down on me and I get suicidal and have to concentrate on breathing slow and calm for a while.

Today I got scared of myself and phoned the hospital – psychic emergency. Talking to the nurse made me aware that whats eating me is – shame. I am so ashamed because I messed up my life so bad.
And my life has rarely been organized and balanced but I have been okay with my personality and thought that I was nice enough and loving enough and helpful enough – and that my shortcomings only bothered me and it was ok as long as it was only me suffering the consequences.

I have been a GREAT mother for nine years. In Sweden you are not supposed to brag about anything and I am not bragging but concerning my daughter – I am very proud of myself.
When she arrived – unplanned and very strange since I was 48 and she was my first (and only) child – I decided to commit myself to give her all that I would have wanted for myself.

I have been there and I have told her over and over that the world is a better place just because she exists and that I love her unconditionally. I gave up alcohol because I wanted to give her a mum that formed her own profile. I explored my world for people and activities that suited us both – we have gone to ”musical camp” together and we have made many excursions to interesting places. I have singed a lot with her and I created a musical for the church since she belongs to the children choir in the church. I was the chairman of the PTA in her school and when the school had the annual ”kid marathon” it was me who served drinks along the running path. I have been a good role model and an enthusiastic parent – and I have loved being so.

Mostly I am proud of my consistency – to me the most important thing for a parent is to be there. I have spent endless hours sitting by a playground or at the beach or in the woods – handing out towels and bandaids and lemonade and hugs, I have admired fantastic tricks in the trapeze, I watched dollshows and applauded trampoline acrobatics. I have taught her to cycle – and nearly killed myself cycling in the ditch when I tried to photograph her on our first cycle excursion. I admit that I have been really bored by all this ”stand-by” duty and I am so sad my mother died before I knew this – I would have liked to tell her how I appreciate all those dull hours she must have spent being stand-by for me and my siblings.

And now I refuse to see her – it hurts too much and I am afraid that my suicidal impulses will get to strong. And I am so ashamed that I am not stronger or more creative or more constructive. I am so ashamed that I hold her father in such contempt that I can´t keep a correct interaction with him.

I am also totally furious that I don´t get to be bored by my stand-by duty…

Hopefully I am going to get some help from a therapist – I can´t fathom what that help would be but maybe I need to talk about my shame a lot… I have not used my AA-groups for sharing about this, otherwise it should be the right place since there are so many people who has totally messed up their lives and made a comeback and have selfrespect and integrity today.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    MEddy -

    I know you will prevail over this emotional roller coaster you are on right now. Sometimes getting through the emotions is half the battle of winnning will power over the rest of your life's journeys.

    Perhaps, you should add back in some hours of "boredom" caring for your daughter. You might be able to arrange these trips without too much father interaction. I seem to recall you stopped seeing her because it was too painful - but know it souds like it might be too painful NOT to see her.

    I have not suffered huge tragedies in my life compared to bankruptcy, fire, flood or hurricanes but I have suffered broken hearts, addictions to various things and people... Learn for them and plot a foward course, one step at a time and your life will be worth lving.

    You still have a mind and two legs to walk on - there is a way to enjoy life!
    3508 days ago
    3511 days ago
    You are strong, faithful and caring. You will choose the right way for you and your child. Be AA or someone in counseling or just us here, there is always someone who will listen, hold your virtual hand and cheer you on.
    3511 days ago
    Doesn't matter what you need - just ask. There are a bunch of people just behind you, and we're in this with you for the long haul.

    I'm rooting for you.
    3511 days ago
  • MOIRA80
    Wow! What an amazingly honest piece! I'm stunned by your ability to assess yourself and to write it out in such a way. I'm not a parent, so can't comment on how having a child makes you feel, but I have suffered great depressions and terrible thoughts in the past, and have sabotaged my own path to health and happiness more times than I can count.

    Know that you are a wonderful person, who experiences normal human emotions - fear, anger, resentment. Do what you can to put those feelings in their rightful place (I cycle my way agreessively through my negative emotions until I feel better about myself and others), and be good to yourself. I'm inspired by you - I'm sure many others will be!
    3512 days ago
    emoticon emoticon Imagine you had a friend who came to you with what you just wrote... what would you say to her? Supportive, right?

    Sounds like maybe a journaling and fifth-step thing, eh? You are braver than you know, just writing this took courage.

    May your higher power keep step with you today, and help you treat yourself gently. You are worth it, and only by lifting yourself up will you get back to that place you need to be... with your daughter!

    3512 days ago
    Since I met you on this site, your bravery, self-honesty, determination, fight and resilience have been apparent. But remember, we cannot be giants all the time - when our energy is sapped we weaken, but we do recover. Now it is time to take energy from others who, like you, freely give it.

    Need / Want / Means

    You recognise the NEED to move things forward, for yourself and for your beautiful daughter. It is also obvious that you WANT to do this. These are the two greatest hurdles, witout them nothing happens.

    The third is to find the MEANS to do it - you have also begun that process. Reflection is happening and is necessary; it is also painful, so you must be sure to keep your support networks around you. Even though you go through dark patches, you have already built a strong mesh that can help to catch you when you stumble - AA, SparkPeople, professional support etc. You have come sooo far, be also proud of that and build on it. You have instinctively created the best climate for doing so.

    It is too easy to crawl away when you can't face the day - we all do it - but 'things can only change, if they change'. The future holds all the solutions to that change - bridges can be mended and strength can be regained: one tiny step at a time, with pauses for breath when needed, and you WILL get there.

    emoticon emoticon
    3512 days ago
    You are cared about by people here. So be sure to make that call and talk to a health care provider. I pray that the sun is shining where you are. You have gotten thru winter in a northern country [and being in the largest city northern city in Canada.. i understand the dark of winter] Spring is here. New beginnings. emoticon
    3512 days ago
    Oh Meddy Peddy - we have been through so many similar experiences and I truly empathise with your current difficulties over your daughter. I know how hard it is to lose contact for whatever reason. You are so reflective and thoughtful - try and talk - or indeed 'think' - yourself into seeing your little one. You will both be better for it in the long run. I don't know - nor am I asking - how you came to lose her but the sure thing is that it is not HER fault. She must be missing all the care you gave her - and indeed missing you yourself and the love you have for her. Parenting is the hardest thing in the world but whatever has happened you need to find a way to sort out this huge problem in a way that is at least bearable to you both. I could go on and on about how it will come good - but it WILLeventually - trust me in this - I have been through it all.
    I send you strengthening thoughts across the continents. I am rooting for you and I'm sure many others will be too. emoticon emoticon
    3512 days ago

    Comment edited on: 4/9/2010 5:59:31 AM
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