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2-26-2010 - Dark Friday

Friday, February 26, 2010

Not only is it dark and rainy today, but I am feeling beyond sad. There is nothing anyone can do for me. I am terrified there is nothing I can do for me but to deal with this head on, even though my heart is torn. Some of you may not, but right now I am not dongto bring it all up, for I am not sure I can. I have been dealingwith my sons 22 and 25 who are not moving in the right direction. Yes they still live with me. One is still in school and we are hopingthat by the end of summer hewill have finished all the classes needed for his automotive certificate. The oldest is looking for work but as we all knowthe economy is not helping, but he is not looking as hard as he should. To make this all worse Bob is feeling very down, mostly work, the economy which has made our house pretty valuless, his pedning retirement, 2-3 years from now and my sons laziness.
This morning Ireally wanted him to play hooky and stay home, but he had things he had to do at work and he didnt want to deal with my sons, his comment to me this morning, torn me up and hurts now more than words. I am sick at heart. I feel I am coming to a place I prayed I would not have to go. But I feel little choice in the matter. I love Bob with all my heart and I love my sons very much, but I am having choose and I know where I will go with the man I love and hope and desire to spend so many years with. This is all normal right, but it means playingreally hard ball with my sons and that is frighteningto me, I dont want them on the street, I see to many like that in the volunteer work.
So right now I am going to finish this, it was written to let those who care know that I am going to be off at least for today, Oh I will be tracking and dont think Iwill be turning to food, but I need alone time. I plan to clean the whole house today from top to bottom and hope and pray with all this work that something will come to me to help this situation. But in all honesty I really dont think there is.
OMG it hurts so much and I dont know what to do.
I love you all very much and your friendship is like an anchor, for I know it is there.
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    I am praying for you friend.

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    3926 days ago
    praying for you!
    3926 days ago
  • no profile photo CD4363972
    I am sorry you find yourself here, Deb. I know it's easy to say 'tough love' when it is not your own children. We have not had this situation with our children, but we did with both my DH's brother and his godson. In the case of his brother, when he wound up in jail for his 3rd DUI, we did not bail him out yet again but left him in jail. I wish I could say he has stopped drinking but he has at least stopped driving while he drinks. With our godson, we let him come live with us after he was beaten by drug dealers he had stolen from. He had already been in prison once. We gave him room and board and helped him find a job. Then we found out he was stealing our liquor and still doing drugs. We had to call his father and tell him to come get him. He has since been in prison again. We have lost track at this point...we only hear from him when he needs money. For a while we did that but we finally had to stop that too. We saw his dad a while back (he is an alcoholic himself but is still my DH's best friend) and he has written both of his boys off at this point. It is all so sad, but we had to do it for ourselves and our children. I hope you and your husband can help each other get through this.
    3926 days ago
    Sorry you are dealing with this Deb. I know you are torn up inside. You are going to have to resort to some tough love tactics and let those boys stand on their own four feet. Correction: men. If they haven't stepped up to the plate yet I think it's safe to say that as long as you allow them to live the cozy life, they're not going to change.

    You and your husband are at a time in your lives where you should be able to focus on enjoying your retirement and time together without the responsibilities of parenthood....those responsibilities DO change once children are of age. Maybe I'm a hard a@@ but in my family everybody had to pull their own weight and get out in the world asap and take care of our own business. Starting with those first teenage jobs we had to contribute to house expenses AND start savings accounts before we were ever allowed to hit a mall. That whole "no jobs" excuse...uh uh...lots of jobs, maybe not the ones you want, but if you need to make some money, there are jobs to be had. God forbid something were to happen to you and your DH...then what would your sons do???? They would survive, because they would HAVE to. I think that cutting those strings would be a much more loving act than enabling them to be freeloaders.

    I hope I'm not being too harsh, but that's the way I see it and if we were to sit down and have a cup of coffee and talk about it this is just what I'd say. You make whatever decision you have to make and make it for yourself, your happiness, your peace of mind.

    Hang on in there, it will work out. Stay strong! Hugs, Kim emoticon
    3926 days ago
    I am so sorry that you have to deal with this Deb. You know that I have the same problem to some extent and have not had to make that very difficult decision yet,but I can feel it coming. My own father had to take a stand with my brother & sister when he married my step-mother. He said that his wife HAD to come first. I didn't understand then, but I respect his decision and understand it better now. My heart goes out to you my precious friend. I love you. Dawn emoticon
    3926 days ago
    Oh Deb I am so sorry you're dealing with all this pain today. I know this is hard, and my DH and I do have talks about our sons sometimes. They are all in college, but the middle one is graduating in May and wants to come home and take a year off, and I am not in favor of him sleeping in the basement for a year doing nothing. So I know this is hard for everyone. We love you, we support you no matter what! I hope you were able to be good to yourself today. Hugs, Di
    3927 days ago
  • -TAMI-
    You are not alone. I've been in your situation with my own son and husband. I HATED IT!!!!
    I had to make a choice between them and it hurt that I had been put in that spot.
    You are a strong and wonderful woman. Even though it hurts now, things will turn around and in time you'll see how it all worked out for the best.
    I know there's nothing we can do to help ease your pain. But we will continue to be here for you no matter what.
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    3927 days ago
  • SUSAN134
    Deb, I don't know what to say. No advice to offer, as I honestly don't know what I would do in your situation. I do think I would use tough love on the kids as they are old enough to try and make their own way....but, that said, could I do it? I really don't know.

    So a big hug to you filled with love and support. I can understand how heartbreaking and heartwrenching this must be for you.

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    3927 days ago
    Just remember to breathe, gf. You will get through it - they will get through it too, have faith.
    3927 days ago
  • DARA52
    I know. I could be in the same place a couple of years from now. But I watched my mom and my sisters and know that is not the way to go. You and Bob deserve what all your hard work can bring. Hugs. If you need distraction, I'm up for anything. Movie, shopping, lunch, walk, drive.....
    3927 days ago
    Sorry you are going through soo much right now. You are too nice a person to have to be put in this position but I know where you are coming from. My middle child is sitting in prison for the mistakes he made but was living with me up until that point and is now 22 and beyond lazy. I am constantly torn between the love of my children and my husband. Try exercising sounds like you need the boost of endorphins that is released when we exercise. Probably won't help much but sounds like you could use all the help you can get. Just know we are here for you and love you. Like every other obstacle in your life you will get through this hopefully with your sanity intact.
    3927 days ago
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