One of the things I´ve learned through life is that I have only now. The toughest lesson in that direction was the diagnosed breast-cancer 2004. Any of you that have received a message like that know what I am writing about – everything changes in a second. priorities falls in place and a big dark hole opens up in front of you… and then you have to deal with it.
To choose - live while you are still doing it, or die. And it is unbearable, and you don´t know how to get through it – you even wish to fall dead immediately instead of having to wait…
And the days goes by while you are trying to cope and you can´t get the definite answer you want – you will live! You hope and despair and if you have the kind of great support I have you hopefully realize that nobody knows what tomorrow brings, you only have today and you better do something with it or you have nothing.
The sad thing with this is that I have started to forget it. I promised myself when I was in treatment and the chemotherapy sucked my energy and hope: ”If I survive this I promise to never let small things clutter my life any more”.
And I survived and even though the cold hand of cancer touches me now and then when I feel some strange sensation in my body, I am again secure with being alive. And my constant worry over not being able to support myself in the future has come back and my contempt over myself for not being perfect has come back – so stupid! I am so grateful for my twelvestep meetings – they put me back on the right course and make me grateful for being me. But between meetings – it´s hard.
I got sued by the father of my child when I moved in june 2009. We have shared custody and up until then our daughter have lived half time with both of us. I wanted her to move with me, he opposed and sued me. There had to be an interrimistic decision since school were starting and it was that she should stay in her old school. She has been with me on holidays and two weekends every month. The climate between me and her father is cold and correct. He wants us to be friends but I will not be friend with somebody that treats me like he did without taking responsibility for the behaviour at all.
The ”real” trial will be this spring and the social welfare people has done an investigation – it has been interesting to be interviewed about my thoughts about my daughter, my parenthood and how the future cooperation can work. Two socialworkers has interviewed us (separated)
Today ”my” social worker left a message that she will see me next Wednesday and tell me what their suggestion will be. Their opinion is probably decisive –I don´t think I have a chance to win in court if they are against me.
And I don´t know how I will stand it until Wednesday – I KNOW that I only have today and if I don´t live today when… but it will take a lot of effort to keep on doing the things that are good for me – my yearning is to throw myself on the floor and cry ”MY CHILD, MY CHILD” for all days to come… which won´t do anybody any good.
So I will try to live a good life, put one foot in front of the other and remember that things are exactly the way they are supposed to be.
Thanks for reading.
...and this is my daughter when she was dubbed to be the knight of kindness!