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Finally!! It came to me...all the stuff in my head that's been swimming around and then getting loc

Sunday, January 17, 2010

Now I'm blogging too much! haha if there is such a thing *sigh*...It's either all or nothing with me sometimes. Not so good...need some moderation. Well I feel frustrated. Why? I'm always frustrated lol. It's just...the lighting in my room is terrible, and I get interrupted so often that it's so hard to make a video blog. And I don't talk loud enough one because...I'm trying to be quiet so no one will come in all "What are you doing?!" and two because it's so loud in the house and I'm NEVER at home alone! Ahhh! That and my natural quiet shyness... emoticonSo...anyway. Today I've had a headache...ALL day long and it's been killing me. Nothing I do is helping to get rid of it. My body annoys me because it works up an immunity to any type of drug. When I get a bad headache...I take something and it works once or twice, knocks it out. But then after that...medicine does nothing for me. So I have to suffer with the pain till it goes away. It's rather exhausting. So my headache is still here, the intensity comes and goes.
I didn't get much chance to workout today because I got up late, wasn't feeling well and then had to be on everyone else's schedule which is yet another frustration. I need to force myself to get earlier, because then at least I'll have time to myself to work on ME. I'm still battling a few things. The past few days I keep thinking about food. Like...I get very hungry and think about food a lot but I don't go and eat a whole bunch. I rarely snack. If I get really hungry at night, I'll have a few crackers and some juice or something. But I'm always worried that I'm eating way too much. Sometimes I eat a big breakfast, other times I eat a light one, and that really depends on how my stomach is feeling that day. I go through stages where my I really don't feel like eating much in the morning, but I try to have at least something. And then my lunch is never really that big (even though I think it is) and some days...I admit, I don't even get to eat lunch, because of things going on or I get up too late. So then when dinner comes, it's probably my biggest meal, which bothers me. Because I know your supposed to taper off throughout the day and have a lighter dinner. It's just hard the way things are around here. But I do what I can, and I try not to over-do it too much. Some days I do but I'm learning to try to not beat myself up over it so much. Spark People has a great article about this www.sparkpeople.com/reso
. So really my issue is this, neurotic as it is, that I'm worried about eating too much and yet worried about not eating enough. I really don't know where my balance is.
Other thing on my mind is my self image. I'm confused about it. I've gotten so much better about it and feel more confident yet...I still keep wondering if I'm seeing myself differently than others do. As I was saying to a friend, people used to make fun of me a lot...and since I've lost weight and adopted a healthier life style...that hasn't happened in years. So it makes me wonder...how do people see me? Like..do they still see me as "fat" and overweight? I don't know...but I suppose that shouldn't matter. But, I'm just curious. It's just something bothering me lately. Because I can look in the mirror one minute and say, Hey...I look good, or I'm looking a lot better...and then a while later come back and think...wow...I have a long way to go, I still don't look too great, I need to work harder etc, etc.
It's messed up, I know! I just need some balance. I'm just kinda confused as to what my mind and body is telling me. Like, right now, I feel like I'm hungry...but I'm wondering am I really? It's 1:28 am...should I eat or should I not? I didn't workout today. I really feel like I shouldn't eat, and yet...I feel kinda hungry. It's just things like that...in my head...I don't know how to answer them, to deal with them. Maybe I should just brush my teeth, drink some water or tea an forget about it. Ya know...I don't know! lol...*sigh* I'm insane. I guess I should go pray about this. Ask God to help me see the truth about things. Then maybe I'll finally get it and not worry so much. emoticon emoticon
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    You're adorable. Sorry, but it's true. You are so honest, and the adorable thing is, you can say it as it really is, not try to dress it up. Thanks. I think most of us feel like you do lots of days. I just don't give it much worry time, that's all. I worry about other things like my kids losing their teeth scootering too fast down the driveway. Or like a black widow biting me while I dig in the garden. Oh, or whether I grow more chin hairs now that I've hit my mid 30s. :) But those issues you brought up - self image, hunger issues - they're there in the background. Especially the self image thing.

    As for the hunger and wondering whether you should be eating or not eating at 1:30 in the morning - one simple solution I've found is to chart everything I eat. Am I in or out of the caloric limit? That usually takes the guess work out of it for me. I never really seem to realize how very much or little I've eaten because I, like you, don't always feel hungry when I should be, or I feel hungry when I shouldn't be. I have found that when I chart everything I eat religiously for a few days in a row, and stick to the caloric limits Spark People has assigned me, I start to learn a new level of satiety. Does that make any sense?

    Here's a weirdo bit of pseudo-science for you: my sister reckons that fat craves food for us. When we're overweight at all, the fat in our bodies doesn't want to get starved into submission, so it makes us feel hungry to maintain our current weight. So, since I've got 50 pounds of the stuff trying to convince me I'm hungry, I've just figured I'm going to feel hungry a lot, and eventually, when I carve more pounds of fat off this body, I won't feel the hunger so much. I drink loads of water to satisfy me, exercise to curb my appetites, and spend time chatting with friends who I think must relate:).

    Thanks for your honest blog. Keep it up, sista.
    3682 days ago
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