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I Am My Own Worst Enemy

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

I have tried to lose weight many times before... each time I always have some form of success. Whether that is 5 pounds or 40 pounds before I throw in the towel, I do have initial success. I read a BLOG on here it was talking about being afraid to be thin. I thought that was an interesting thought, but didn't think it pertained to me...

But I started thinking, I have ALWAYS been the fat girl. I am the funny, sweet, super dooper nice fat girl. The one that everyone turns to when they are need help, advice, comfort, or someone to just hang out with and have a good time. Why do they always turn to me? Because I essentially don't have a life of my own.. and why don't I have a life of my own? Simple. I'm fat. I take myself out of situations where I don't think I'll feel comfortable because I am self concious of my weight.

I don't know how to be anything else. This is all I've known my entire life. I love to make excuses, only to myself, and never out loud. 'He would have totally wanted to date me if I wasn't fat', 'It would be fun to go to that club with my friends, but I don't want to be the fattest person there'. I am sitting here thinking, that if I lose this weight and get medium (I know I will never be skinny skinny, I just want to be medium) I will have nothing to hide behind. As much as I hate this fat that is on my body, I apparently don't mind hiding behind it. Heaven forbid I actually have to admit 'that guy just doesn't like *me*' because I can't use my weight as an excuse.

It never occured to me that I was truly hiding behind this weight and using it as a crutch in so many ways. I obviously have a lot of psychological/emotional stuff to deal with when it comes to that. I honestly can see where I sabotage myself. I don't know how to be "medium" and I don't like the unknown.

But I need to get real about ALL of this, and start working on it. It is not simply the weight I have to worry about. I want to learn how to be happy with myself (regardless of weight), I want to start living life, and I will LEARN how to be medium. I will be the same person, just a lot lighter. I can still be funny, sweet, and a good friend in a smaller body. I need to get excited about the changes I am making instead of dragging my feet and taking steps backwards into old habits.

I just never realized what I was doing to myself until now. What an eye opener.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Thanks everyone for the comments:)
    4180 days ago
    Same here. Never been skinny. No idea what it will be like. I'm the opposite though. I have no friends and no one really likes to be around me. Also a direct correlation to weight I'm assuming.
    One day at a time!
    4180 days ago
    We all have our defense mechanisms. I understand your frustration and hope you can be at peace with yourself.
    4180 days ago
  • CARLA393
    Yep, I feel the same way. I don't know what I will look like when I lose weight. I don't know what it's like to be normal. But I do know that I hide behind my weight also. I've stopped participating in things because I know I can't fit places, or keep up with people. It's sad really because I'm the kind of person who's up for anything. And I HATE when I have to turn down an opportunity because of my weight. So I can't wait until I get the weight off and I can do things that I've always wanted to do but couldn't. I used to always use being overweight as a crutch too. But I don't need it. I NEED to be healthy. I need to be physically and emotionally healthy. Pretending it's okay to be overweight is not okay, and I'm through telling myself that! You're right that it's going to take work to change how we perceive ourselves. I'm still working on that one. Definitely stay positive, I find that it's really helpful.
    4180 days ago
    I wish you the best of luck in reaching all of your goals.
    4180 days ago
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