I Am My Own Worst Enemy
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
I have tried to lose weight many times before... each time I always have some form of success. Whether that is 5 pounds or 40 pounds before I throw in the towel, I do have initial success. I read a BLOG on here it was talking about being afraid to be thin. I thought that was an interesting thought, but didn't think it pertained to me...
But I started thinking, I have ALWAYS been the fat girl. I am the funny, sweet, super dooper nice fat girl. The one that everyone turns to when they are need help, advice, comfort, or someone to just hang out with and have a good time. Why do they always turn to me? Because I essentially don't have a life of my own.. and why don't I have a life of my own? Simple. I'm fat. I take myself out of situations where I don't think I'll feel comfortable because I am self concious of my weight.
I don't know how to be anything else. This is all I've known my entire life. I love to make excuses, only to myself, and never out loud. 'He would have totally wanted to date me if I wasn't fat', 'It would be fun to go to that club with my friends, but I don't want to be the fattest person there'. I am sitting here thinking, that if I lose this weight and get medium (I know I will never be skinny skinny, I just want to be medium) I will have nothing to hide behind. As much as I hate this fat that is on my body, I apparently don't mind hiding behind it. Heaven forbid I actually have to admit 'that guy just doesn't like *me*' because I can't use my weight as an excuse.
It never occured to me that I was truly hiding behind this weight and using it as a crutch in so many ways. I obviously have a lot of psychological/emotional stuff to deal with when it comes to that. I honestly can see where I sabotage myself. I don't know how to be "medium" and I don't like the unknown.
But I need to get real about ALL of this, and start working on it. It is not simply the weight I have to worry about. I want to learn how to be happy with myself (regardless of weight), I want to start living life, and I will LEARN how to be medium. I will be the same person, just a lot lighter. I can still be funny, sweet, and a good friend in a smaller body. I need to get excited about the changes I am making instead of dragging my feet and taking steps backwards into old habits.
I just never realized what I was doing to myself until now. What an eye opener.