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You have such a pretty face, but....

Monday, November 30, 2009

Can someone please tell me what that means? And furthermore, who says that to someone when they are trying to be complementary? It's like a backhanded compliment. If you're going to give someone a compliment, take the "but" out. Why can't it be, "You're pretty!" Why does it have to be, "You're pretty, but...?" I would rather not have anything at all. That phrase just annoys me to death.

My mom and I were having a discussion about marriage and babies. She has been, not so subtly, dropping hints that she wants me to get married so I can give her grandchildren. Nevermind the fact that she has 4 already but she wants them specifically from me. In the midst of the conversation, she says to me, "You'd be much more beautiful if you lost some weight. Then you'd be able to find a husband." Pourquoi? I had to take 30 seconds to replay that back in my head to make sure she actually said what she said. Not only did she say that I wasn't pretty, but she also told me I was overweight which is the reason why I don't have a husband. It was only when I completely freaked out did she understand the full implications of her words. I will say that my mom has been nothing but supportive of me in my journey, but she completely hurt my feelings by saying that. As I was freaking out, I somehow felt the need to explain to her the reasons why I'm not looking for a boyfriend. After thinking about my explanation, I felt like I was on the defensive trying to refute everything she was saying. That defense made me question, why was I being so defensive? Did I secretly, deep down believe what she was telling me? Do I not have a boyfriend because I'm overweight and ashamed of how I look which leads me to not think I'm pretty. Yes, I am completely aware that beauty is subjective. Some people think Heidi Klum is smokin' hot, while others think not so much. For me, it's just hard to reconcile the fact that my mom thinks that no man will ever love me because I'm overweight. Who says that to someone? My mom apparently.

So, what have I learned through all of this? Words hurt, yes but I can't let my mom affect me like she has because she's focused on getting grandchildren before she dies. Quite frankly, I'm not ready for all of that, fat or not. When you get married you have to share, and I'm not ready to share. And when you have children, you instantly become unselfish and everything you do is for your children. I'll admit it, I quite enjoy being selfish. As far as the husband thing, when I'm ready it will happen. I don't believe love is something you look for because what you think is love may not really be love and then stuff gets sticky. The beauty thing, every woman has her days where she thinks on the positive or the negative side. For me, it takes way too much energy to focus on that. I'd rather focus on me and my awesomeness.

As for my mom, she is supportive, yes, but I think she needs to realize that my weight loss isn't about "finding a husband" or "becoming pretty" it's about being healthy and not having the risks that are associated with obesity hanging over my head. Becoming a thinner version of my already hot tottiness self is entirely secondary, although I wouldn't mind it one bit.

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  • TAZ675
    Raising my glass to selfishness!

    You're right, you have to do this for you, to be healthy and the rest of your life will fall into place as it should. Your Mom should be happy having been blessed w/ 4 grandkids already and respect the fact that you're not ready for kids yet. Just my 2 cents.
    4022 days ago
    Not much good follows "but" or "however" does it? As for Mom, well, they will be moms. Not much we can do about that. They love us, though. Be well. -- Lou
    4022 days ago
  • MSZIP76
    I'm still in awe about the situation with your mom, and quite frankly, don't know what to say. I do however, agree with your points about not being ready to share or focus all of the attention on someone else. I definitely feel what you're saying about that. I'm not the conceited type, but I don't like to share emoticon , hate to be forced to share emoticon , and certainly not ready to compromise or give up any attention emoticon , OH NO...NOT!!

    Do the weightloss thing for yourself and to improve your health. What you see when you're looking at you is what matters the most. I know I'm big sexy & definitely flaunts it. If no one likes it, they don't have to look but it won't stop me either. Just do what you do for you!!

    4022 days ago
    I think you have a very healthy attitude. Sometimes, I am concerned when I see how much people emphasize looks in this journey. Yes, we all want to be hot (me included) but this is about your life...your LIFE! Regardless of how fabulous you are, hopefully hotness is only a small fraction of your interests. emoticon With your trip to Thailand on deck, you're making the single life look pretty damn good!
    4022 days ago
    I hate the "you have such a pretty face" comment! So does that mean that the rest of me is hideous because you PURPOSELY pointed out JUST my face and nothing else??? Some people are just so insensitive....my grandma used to talk to me the way that your mom is to you right now. Deep down, she was trying to help and motivate me, but all it did was hurt my feelings. I'm sure your mom meant well. I've learned to take those comments with a grain of salt.
    4022 days ago
  • VICTORIA3379

    She originally said that she didn't mean the way it sounded which made the situation worse. But, yes, she did eventually give me a sincere apology for hurting my feelings.
    4022 days ago
    I have no idea why so much emphasis is placed on beauty or perfect bodies, that's just so silly, who defined "beauty" or "perfection" anyway?

    Ah bless our mothers, putting their foot in their mouths - as for being more beautiful/pretty gets you a husband...ha! You would definately be attracting the wrong man if this was the case...

    In finding a partner/soul mate, you find your lover, your best friend, your companion...this is the person that will love you unconditionally through all the ups, all the downs, and all the changes...it is the beauty of the person inside that is the only thing that ever counts, as beauty on your face will wrinkle and fade, but the shinning beauty from within grows brighter every day!
    4023 days ago

    Comment edited on: 11/30/2009 5:46:49 PM
  • LEESA180
    SHAME ON MOM ! she of all person should be supportive and very nicely encourage you on to loose weight. The way she puts it , no no, not very nice.
    4023 days ago
    Wow . . . I don't even know how to respond to that type of comment, especially by your mother. I've learned to not listen to what ANYONE has to say about situation. I do what I do and at my own pace. Did she ever apologize for making the comment? That is the last person I'd think would make such a comment. Keep your head up!
    4023 days ago
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