I know from experience that I feel so much better and have more power if I am grateful for my life - but some days I have such a hard time to feel it - i just keep thinking about my worries... so I´ll put them on the table to get rid of them:
- I have a hard time to walk, my feet hurts since chemo.
- I have no money and christmas is rising above the horizon..
- I will probably loose the trial with my ex about where my daughter should live.
- I have no trust in myself, I am scared that I will not be able to manage my life at all...
There - feels better immediately!
When I see it in writing I realize that it is petty problems compared to having breast cancer (as I have had) or having no friends or family. I also see that my biggest problem is the lack of trust in myself. And - as I have started to feel through the twelve step community - I have a higher power I can trust and I can focus on doing my footwork and leave time and results to my higher power.
To be honest I think my bad feelings stems from the new car that my friend and landlady came home with yesterday. She is a veterinarian and earns quite a lot each month and her old car - a mercedes - broke down last week. So she bought a new one - and it is a Saab -09 with all the fun "extras" - modern cars can do almost anything except from walking the dog... and I look at my Volvo -97 that cost me 45.000 swedish crowns which I am mortgaging on, and it is a good enough car for my needs... and I do know that my friend probably have a heavy mortgage on that new saab, I also know that she has borrowed millions to build the house that we live in and I am so happy to be just boarding here and not owning. I wouldn´t change for the world - or would I?
- I envy her youth, she is ten years younger and that I cannot change
- I envy her health, she is not overweight as me - that I can change
- I envy her money, I don´t know if I can earn as much in a steady basis but I have done it and I can at least try to do it again...
If I was her, looking at me - would I envy something?
- I would envy my friends, I have a lot who really cares about me.
- I would envy my humour, I laugh a lot and enjoy small things more than most people.
- I would envy my skill with words in speech and writing (in swedish, english is not so elegant...)
- I would envy my peace - I don´t work that much since I do earn a lot for the little I am doing.
This was my morning exercise to get myself in the right mood. I can see that the only wrong thing is my life is me - and that is changeable!
Thanks for reading