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Repeating patterns

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

I am so bored with myself repeating patterns. I must be a boredom for all my friends (and it´s a miracle that I HAVE friends) because I keep repeating the same mistakes.

One of my favorite quotes is: "If you do what you always have done, you will get the result you always have gotten" and I try to learn from that.

What results do I want:
1. I want to be fit and healthy, with a body and mind that I can use to play, work and have fun with!
2. I want to have enough money to support myself and my share of my daughters support.
3. I want to have enough work to earn that money.
4. I want to be a good role model for my daughter.
5.I want to contribute to the good spirit of the world and to encourage endurance of the earth.

Thinking about it I do about 90 % of number 5 and 70 of number 4... and then I fight and fall and despair and hope and do an awful lot of kicking and screaming to fix 1,2 &3. And it feels like I am doing the same thing over and over and over...

The pattern is:
1. I realize that my life is not working.
2- I muster the energy to form a plan - lifestyle plan, budget plan, sale plan.
3. I try and succeed for a while. The tries can be modest or full blown megalomania, but they are mostly quite clever as I am rather smart.
4. I mess up.
5. I give up
6. Things are getting bad - I am gaining weight and losing muscles, the bills are heaping up, my calendar is empty.
7. Things are getting close to catastrophe, the envelopes are brown and I stop opening them,
8. Two seconds before tipping over into the abyss I get frantically active and fix and call and clean and save myself from disaster.
9. I think "phew, saved! I am NEVER going to put myself in this situation again!"
10. Slowly things are getting behind... and soon I am back at number 1.

I wonder why I am doing this. It is very painful and I wish to change.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • DKATZ85
    Wow!! I think the amazing thing is that you've come to recognize the situation... and you know that the 12 steo program says that before anything one must ADMIT to the issue at hand. So good for you!

    All the best,

    3652 days ago
    take your history and learn from it, look to the future and make a difference. small steps ahead!!!
    3654 days ago
    as a fellow sparker blogged recently, are you afraid of success or afraid of failure? My guess it is one of the two and you should figure this out to go forward!

    Knowing where you take a wrong turn seems to be half the battle for getting on the right path though. Good identification of your issues!

    3655 days ago
    I wanted to write this incredibly deep and inspiring response to your blog.. but the words just aren't there! You have described not just me, but a whole lot of people who are in the same boat with us.

    When I find the solution, you'll be the first person I tell..
    3655 days ago

    This pattern is so familiar to me.

    I know that I need to build new habits, and that it takes time and repetition to build the new habits: I've heard at least thirty days to build a new habit (sigh). And that I have to start on achievable goals in order to build up self confidence to move onto the new, bigger challenges.

    A committee lives inside me. Or maybe it’s a bunch of seemingly random neighbors.

    There's a part of me that is so smart and above boring mundane things it part slyly excuses me from petty banal commitments. (I'm a 'citizen of the universe', you know, it thinks writing bills, making appointments, returning phone calls, doing weight machines, cooking and forcing down pounds of vegetables is probably for people who may not have too much important to do with their lives.)

    And there is the part that can see that this 'citizen of the universe' really likes to be free of a judgment part of me frowning disapprovingly at the irresponsibility of letting the second notices pile up, the thickness around the waist increasing, or having people justifiably annoyed at my brinkmanship.

    And then another part that does not want to have my body, this vehicle of light and blood and bones deteriorate into pain and poorer functioning, but function as a part of a life of fullness and joy, and can hold her head high knowing that responsibilities are taken care of.

    One day at a time. One breath at a time. Pointing this committee in the right direction.

    3655 days ago
    I think the best thing you can get from this is the fact that you do save the day in the end. You are superwoman who can do all on most days. It's just that some days there is kryptonite hanging over you slowing you down. From what I just read you always make the right decision in the end and that is what matters most. No one is perfect or infallable. Even superheros have some downfall. Keep your head high!
    3655 days ago
    My dad has a great saying that I keep reminding myself "An expert is the person who has made his/her quota of mistakes." He also reminds me that friends are there for the hard and difficult times as well as the happy and joyous times. If we could do it by ourselves, then we would not need others. People really love to help. We just need to give them the opportunity.

    Take one small step and track it. See how long you can keep the streak up. You can do it!
    3655 days ago
    You are always so supportive of the rest of us, I hope we can help you get through this. Life is full of ups and downs, but if we take a deep breath and let ourselves destress a little bit, we can usually start to see the light at the end of the tunnel. You will get through this! We are here for you! emoticon
    3655 days ago
    You are HUMAN!! You will fall, you will fail, but through the falling and failing you will learn to correct your mistakes. One day at a time. Don't try to tackle all the "mistakes" at one time. Find one "fault" and work on that. Gives you something to mark off your goals as accomplished.

    Have you thought about buying some of the OA books? I started reading them, on my own (I'm not good in groups when I don't know the people). It's helping me to tackle one step at a time.

    You will survive!!!

    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    3655 days ago
  • no profile photo JESUSLOVEME27
    do what you want done for twenty one days, it will become a habit then the cycle will be broken and a good new habit is born.
    3655 days ago
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