I am so bored with myself repeating patterns. I must be a boredom for all my friends (and it´s a miracle that I HAVE friends) because I keep repeating the same mistakes.
One of my favorite quotes is: "If you do what you always have done, you will get the result you always have gotten" and I try to learn from that.
What results do I want:
1. I want to be fit and healthy, with a body and mind that I can use to play, work and have fun with!
2. I want to have enough money to support myself and my share of my daughters support.
3. I want to have enough work to earn that money.
4. I want to be a good role model for my daughter.
5.I want to contribute to the good spirit of the world and to encourage endurance of the earth.
Thinking about it I do about 90 % of number 5 and 70 of number 4... and then I fight and fall and despair and hope and do an awful lot of kicking and screaming to fix 1,2 &3. And it feels like I am doing the same thing over and over and over...
The pattern is:
1. I realize that my life is not working.
2- I muster the energy to form a plan - lifestyle plan, budget plan, sale plan.
3. I try and succeed for a while. The tries can be modest or full blown megalomania, but they are mostly quite clever as I am rather smart.
4. I mess up.
5. I give up
6. Things are getting bad - I am gaining weight and losing muscles, the bills are heaping up, my calendar is empty.
7. Things are getting close to catastrophe, the envelopes are brown and I stop opening them,
8. Two seconds before tipping over into the abyss I get frantically active and fix and call and clean and save myself from disaster.
9. I think "phew, saved! I am NEVER going to put myself in this situation again!"
10. Slowly things are getting behind... and soon I am back at number 1.
I wonder why I am doing this. It is very painful and I wish to change.