Experience to change
Monday, November 09, 2009
Are you afraid to try or are you afraid to fail?
A quote from my "healthy reflections" and fear of failing has not kept me from doing "adventurous" things like starting a company, signing up for horsemanship courses in Colorado before the word was known in Sweden, going for "bodynamic" therapy in Denmark etc. etc.
But fearing to get rejected has kept me from asking for help and from reaching out. I am scared to bother, to be to dominating, to be a pain in the ...it keeps me from being open to other people.
I think change comes from experience. When I get results/experience that I don´t like, I want to change. New behaviours are scary until I have practised enough to know that I can handle them. When I get enough experience of the new behaviour to trust that it works, I change.
A SP member complained that he had been mocked and ridiculed at a gym for being unfit. This have been a great fear of mine - to be made fun of because I am "misplaced" as I might appear as long as I haven´t reached what I´m there to reach - fitness. But lately I have started to appreciate those stupid people, they help me to change.
Because when they make fun of me, I notice... nothing happens. I will not fall dead on my face, I will not become an outcast that has to wander empty streets alone for the rest of my life, I will not develop a rash or loose my voice or even my membership at the gym. I can hear those ugly words or giggles and think "what an immature person", I can say "you know what, that is hurtful and I wonder why you act like that?" or I can keep on exercising and being exactly as fat and panting and red in the face as I am. I am there on a mission and I like it!
When I was a child I learned that it was dangerous to be different because I could become an outcast. This haunts my grown-up me so I stay away from good things because of the ghosts in my mind. But if the atmosphere of one gym gets to hostile I´ll just go to another, there is no danger of me being rejected from mankind for being unfit at a gym.
Socialization means to get a conscience and most grown-ups refrain from making stupid remarks. Those who do I can ignore - I can even walk up to them and say "thank you for teaching me that you are not dangerous, only stupid"
When I started swimming after my cancer operation I wondered where all the other one-tit ladies were - statistic says we are one out of ten and as I joined a class of elderly women I knew that there should be three or four more and as we are naked in the shower-and-saunadepartment I should see more of us. But I have never seen another onebreasted at the swimcenter and I do not think breastcancer women are more unfit than others there must be another explanation. And I presume it is fear of being noticed, fear of being pitied or fear of being "not perfect" that keeps them from coming where you have to change in public...
I do admit that it was hard the first times after my operation. It took a while before I could go swimming when I knew that there would be a lot of kids there, I had to practice with polite grownups that did not stare first. But the more I practiced the less I thought about my "defect" and today I hardly notice those girls staring. And if I keep going to the same swimhall they will get used to me.
It is a bit harder being fat and unfit - that is my own responsible and I have to argue with myself that the only way to change it is to go to places where you can exercise - and then you will probably end up among people who has already achieved what you are there to achieve and some of them might be stupid - so what?
The more I practice other peoples looks and remarks the more I will experience:
a) they are not as many as the people who behaves and are encouraging
b) they don´t bother me if I don´t let them
Thanks for reading