Efforts and hopes...
Friday, October 30, 2009
This has not been the best of weeks, culminating yesterday when I had social people here for an investigation on my child. My ex has sued me for our daughters living - we have shared custody and agreee on that, and so far she has been living with us both equal time. But when I moved vack hime 100 kilometres it is not possible to keep that arrangement and I want her with me and her father wants her with him... we started a process with dialogues under supervision but when he realized that I was serious about moving, he quitted those meetings, got an attorney and sued. So I had to get one myself and there was an interrimestic decision in june that she is to stay with her father until social people can make a more thorough investigation. I was a bit shocked, I had not realized that the policy is to not move children if there is nothing wrong where they are.
From what I have read and heard I have very small chances to change this interrimistic decision and as my daughter is nine it will be three years before she can have her own voice in this. I believe that she needs me more in everyday life, she has for example been in a fight in school this autumn but I am not allowed to tell her father because "he will be angry and make such a fuzz"
On the good side of this is that I trust her father to be responsible and caring - it could have been worse. He is not so good with empathy and he does not listen and he is not so good in noticing when things are not right - that´s why I think he would do better with having her on vacations and weekends. He does not agree and his view of reality mskes me really frustrated many time.
I had nothing to fear from social people but their presense awakens all this frustration and feeling of powerlessness. There are many really primitive emotions involved and I find it very hard to act as a grown-up. I have to think and act knowing that there is a life after this, my daughter has (hopefully) many years ahead of her and it is important that she has the support of her family as far as it is possible. And a "fight" like this can destroy relations for many years if you let your emotions run your actions. I read about a divorce and custody quarrel where the contrahents are sueing eachother for beating, incest, promiscuety an all sorts of ugly stuff because they desperately try to "win" the child. And the child can only loose.
My ex has treated me bad - he dumped me an harassed me while I was in chemo and I will not become a friend of his when this is not settled. He denies what has happened and pretends that we are the best friends which I find insulting but I know that it is his problem and I can decide for me, not for him. And I am trying to cooperate for our daughter, to recognize that he is a responsible father and that our daughter needs his support as well as mine. That does not mean that I have to be friends with him, I have to stand up for me, I have not acted to deserve the treatment I got and I will not be a friend to somebody that treats me like that without making amends for it.
I am pracitising trust - to trust that it will be as it should be, that my daughter is a strong and loving child and that we have given her (and still are) the tools she needs to cope.
My brain works and I am grateful. My emotions... oooo that is a bit harder to cope with. To share and trust and act for the best. It is not easy. To submit to life and accept things I cannot change... and not to beat myself up because I didn´t realize that moving back home could cost me my daughter... which it is not, she is still there and these things can be used to practice the serenity prayer.
And of course - it is very hard not to eat on it...