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Giving advice...

Friday, October 23, 2009

..my greatest relief when I came to twelve step meetings was that I didn´t have to solve other peoples problems, what´s more I was not ALLOWED to give advice if not asked. After a while with this I realized how much bad I had felt from this in the past - being very codependant I had always thought it was my "duty" to help everybody all the time... now I learn to trust the higher power to fix things that needs to be fixed, I just do my footwork and practice loving support and friendliness to the best of my ability...

But right now it is a bit hard to shut up - I hang on a swedish forum (where I found the link to Spark People so it has been good for me) where most women are 20-30 years younger than me, and they are doing all the dieting mistakes I have done. They go starving, they weigh in one time or more a day, they fall of the wagon and disappear for a while,, comes back in desperation determined to keep on doing what haven´t worked for them before..

Sigh - I have some mottos on my wall: "Experience is a good teacher that sends very expensive bills" and "If you keep on doing what you always have been doing, you will get the result you always have been getting"....

Both those sentences I´ve learned through bitter experience... and now I watch these women do the same things all over and I KNOW they won´t listen, and I KNOW that every person has to make their own journey and the best I can do is to share what I do and what I experience - NOT tell them what they should do. I have NEVER listened to anybody giving me advice when I haven´t asked for it - it´s hard enough to listen to advice which I HAVE asked for....

That said one might wonder since I´m myself on a "Kamikaze soup project" during october. kamikaze (=extreme) project has ALWAYS failed in the past, why do I have to learn that again?

Becaaaause.... I am not doing the same thing as I used to. I used to start with a great willpower effort and grit my teeeth and endure... endure.... endure...until I couldn´t do it anymore. Then I would turn inte selfcontempt and despair and eat and eat.. and go hide in a corner and not tell ANYONE about it.

This time I share a lot. As soon as it gets difficult I phone someone and ask for support. I write my plan for the day on a swedish forum and I write about my feelings and actions in this blog. I read a lot of blogs and messages on Spark People and I try to communicate as soon as my attention is wakened - givin out goodies, writing "hang-in-there" -messages... without telling people what to do.

I am grateful for this journey, I have no idea where it is heading, after 23 successful days (with one slip, but getting back on track immediately) I feel jubilant but not at all convinced. I am so used to failing so it will take very long before I can believe that it is working.

It is working today. I can do this today. And I can refrain from advicing today...

Thanks for reading!
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Just for today...

    Just for today, I can do most anything and so can you! Perhaps telling your younger swedish forum friends about spark might help them "see" the light sooner and they could come to have better hearing for your story as well!

    I pray you and daughter get along better soon. emoticon
    3667 days ago
    Thank you for sharing the mottos. I really like the "Experience is a good teacher" saying.
    3670 days ago
    That was a wonderful read. I admire the person you are today. It's so hard not to want to go and stand in front of the people who are making the same mistakes that you did, and wave your arms about and scream "Don't do this!" Coming to the realization that they need to find out on their own is one of the hardest life lessons I have had to learn.

    Nicely said!
    3671 days ago
    Good for you! Your post struck a chord with me... I, too am co-dependent and used to think it was my job to solve everyone else's problems. I hope I am learning better. It isn't always easy to let others (especially if you care about them) make and learn from mistakes you know you've made yourself in the past. But it's worth it to be encouraging without judging!

    3671 days ago
    Thanks for your post, hope you have a great day!

    You can do this.

    3671 days ago
    Like your wall mottos. And needed the advice about giving advice.
    3671 days ago
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